Husband in debt denial

debtdenial

Hi, my husband is in denial about our debt. I don't know exactly how much debt we are in as he deals with our finances. Credit cards are in his name but we do have a joint bank account.

I set it all off this morning when I asked him to forego the weekly fry and coffee combo that he gets for £2.50. It then gets into an argument about who spends how much on what, he's really hung up about me and chocolate! (Chocolate is my thing but I buy the big bars as they're economical but I don't have 10 hoarded away!)

I have in the past tried to do a budget using the tools on here but when I have asked him for help filling in sections that he knows about he never gets around to it.

We are trying to cut back on eating out, I'm trying to reduce our food waste and meal plan. We have 4 growing kids so necessities need bought but we are not extravagant with money. We don't smoke, we don't go out, I don't drink, he does a bit…so our outgoings shouldn't be unmanageable but they are :-(

I am a stay at home mum and he is on 60k working 2 days at home (hence me knowing about the fry and coffee) My point being is we have food in our house that needs to be eaten and coffee capsules coming out our ears! Theres no need to eat out.

How can I get us reading from the same page? I don't want us to battle over this but work as a team to tackle it. I think we just pay the minimum and nothing changes. I'd love to save up for a little family holiday next year, to have a goal of some sort but it always turns into a fight over his money and he'll spend it how he wants :-(

Please be gentle :-)

BoGoF

If he sees it as 'his' money then you have a big challenge to change his attitude.

Do you do all the cooking, cleaning etc?

d123

debtdenial wrote: »

I set it all off this morning when I asked him to forego the weekly fry and coffee combo that he gets for £2.50. It then gets into an argument about who spends how much on what, he's really hung up about me and chocolate! (Chocolate is my thing but I buy the big bars as they're economical but I don't have 10 hoarded away!)

I see some hypocrisy there, you are begrudging him a £2.50 breakfast whilst still buying large bars of chocolate for yourself?

Perhaps give up buying the large bars of chocolate before asking him to forgo a £2.50 meal?

debtdenial

Yes I do most of the household chores, but he doesn't get home till 6.30/7 some nights so it can't be shared but he does do some, which I am thankful for.

As for the chocolate V's fry, I don't think thats my point. I'd like to start a budget with his help but even though he says yes we need to, he never does anything about it.

spadoosh

Sit down together, work out what you as a couple want to acheive. Think deadlines and dreams.

Once youve got your wishlist, of the amazing things you want (Early retirement, travelling, security for kids, blah blah blah). Ask the question of how it can be achieved.

Without goals theres little desire to change. At the moment youll only notice a missing chocolate bar / fry up and nothing else. When your dreaming that chocolate bar is preventing the holiday.

Basically, you want him on the same page, find the things he most wants to do. Encourage them and guide him in to working out how to achieve them.

Everyone needs desire to change the satus quo. Its hard for people to sacrifice without seeing a clear benefit at the end of it. Find whatever that benefit is and push it.

Sounds easy! :A

agrinnall

You should probably post on the Debt Free Wannabe board really where you're likely to find more help and less judgement (I include myself in the latter category quite often, because of the sort of issues we tend to get on this board).

You say that your husband deals with your finances, so I will ask how much of the finances do you see, anything at all? Do you actually know that you are in debt? Maybe he's not bothered because there isn't a problem.

debtdenial

Yes we are in debt, I do know we pay out to 2 different cards each month, I'm just not sure on the specifics and we have an overdraft that we end up going into.

trailingspouse

1) You absolutely need to know about the financial stuff. Not just because you need to know about the debt(s), but also in case anything should happen to him. Insist on it. Let him rant and huff and shout and get defensive and throw his toys out of the pram, but continue to insist.

2) Unless he keeps all of this stuff under lock and key, you must be able to access credit card statements? You're at home all day... Or if they're all online, see point 1.

I think different attitudes to money are one of the hardest things to deal with as a couple - and it really isn't something that many people discuss before they get married. Forget the £2.50 meal deal - pick your battles. For now, the important thing is for you to know just how much debt there is.

And how dare he throw 'his' money back in your face? Presumably he was involved in producing 4 kids, and presumably you discussed that it would be better (however you want to define 'better') for you to stay home with the kids? I would be getting very angry by this stage.

creditscoremeansnothing

To be honest if my wife had a moan at me for a £2.50 Snack, breakfast or maybe costa then it would have annoyed me. I work hard (as does she) and i don't want a lecture on what to spend my money on.

I deal with all the finances in the house as it is my job as a caring husband to take the worry and stress. My wife knows what savings we have and where they are and where the insurance policy is if i pop it. Thats it.... She s happy, i am happy and it works.

I don't think snooping around his credit card statements is going to help the situation, if my wife knew half the crap i buy on my credit card then she would probably divorce me.
:j:j:j

trailingspouse

Creditscoremeansnothing - I'm going to assume that your post is tongue-in-cheek.

But just in case it isn't - do caring husbands buy crap on credit and then hide it from their wives? Are those wives happy?

'I don't want a lecture on what to spend my money on' - that's the point, right there. Once you're married, it's not 'your' money. And if your spouse was so worried about money that she felt the need to mention something as small as a £2.50 snack, then you need to think about the reasons for that.

[Deleted User]

trailingspouse wrote: »

Creditscoremeansnothing - I'm going to assume that your post is tongue-in-cheek.

But just in case it isn't - do caring husbands buy crap on credit and then hide it from their wives? Are those wives happy?

'I don't want a lecture on what to spend my money on' - that's the point, right there. Once you're married, it's not 'your' money. And if your spouse was so worried about money that she felt the need to mention something as small as a £2.50 snack, then you need to think about the reasons for that.

I agree with this - there a LOTS of posts on here from people who are married with separate bank accounts with their respective wages being paid into them, and they spend their own money on what they want.

Defeats the point if you ask me...