An ethical question for you: me vs the CSA

gems2381

Would he really be bothered if you did stop him seeing her? It doesn't sound like it from what you've said so it probably wouldn't get you anywhere anyway!

postingalwaysposting

what if the shoe was on the other foot? ie he was you and you him? how would you feel then?

chipbeck

Ok I'm going to answer from a fellas perspective.
You must tackle him about the non payments. I'm lucky although I'm a bit of a pillock in most aspects of life I am not when it comes to marriage/ fatherhood. I'd be heartbroken if I couldn't see my kids so I'm sure he would at the least be a little gutted.
Tell him your situation and should that fail then find out where he goes supping and drop the little un in his lap while he's ponsing about.:rotfl:

lynzpower

I think you should certainly ask him why he is delaying the payments.

It could be all manner of mess ups and it *might* not be completely his fault if the CSAs performance is anything to go by.

Until you ask him, you cant make good decisions, you dont have the facts in front of you.

I agree with everyone else tho, you simply shouldnt restrict your daughters ability to attach to her father over money. Its not good for children, as others above have said.

You quite rightly have fire in your belly over it thoogh. Have you spoken to your MP about how to get the CSA| to do thier job? wyhat about gingerbread they have some excellent advocates who can help you negotiate the system too, and add a bit more oomph.

misspoppy

lauradora wrote: »

As much as I hate to admit it no. I try to avoid contact with him at all times!! I should I know, i'm being an infant :whistle:

I think you know the answer, I'm sure its not nice having to hand your daughter over to him but at least you can find out his side, he may well have been paying, ok probably not but at least you know. I don't think its the best thing to do to stop him seeing her as it will just make the situation worse and then he's got an excuse not to pay.

Theres no easy solution, my sisters ex has avoided it for 2 years and hasn't even asked if his youngest son is healthy (he was expecrted to be disabled) CSA finally admited last week that they've stuffed up and it has to be started again!

OliveOyl_2

Sorry, but you have to be the grown up in this three-some. The money arguments are nothing to do with your daughter, and she shouldn't lose out on seeing her dad, look at it as letting her discover what a pile of !!!!!! he is for herself. She will. And then she may still want to see him. Who can ever understand that?

I really don't want to dump this on you, but there are people chaining themselves to Buckingham Palace because they can't see their children, and I imagine in 20 years time we'll be shocked to remember that resident parents could decide where and when the non-resident parent could see their child or not.

On the other hand, if he ever sues you for contact he hasn't an ice-cream in hells chance of winning if you block it. (cynical me, been there, got the debt)

duchy

If he turns up to see her when he should then no. As for not asking him....why the heck not. I spent a totally frustrating year arguing with the CSA and did my ex-They told me he wasn't paying-and was lying to me that he was. I told them I'd seen the bank statememnts showing the DD taking the money and then been returned back into the account the same day. There was something wrong with the way the DD was set up at their end and their bank kept rejecting it and returning it. They would not accept this. If I hadn't been on good terms with my ex then I might well have ended up where you are now thinking he wasn't paying. We gave up in the end and reverted to direct payment. He still insists their figures are wrong but we compromised over the amount rather than endure the weekly rants any longer.

LizD_2

To be perfectly honest with the OP: if he left you and your daughter, he has no right to see her anyway IMHO.
However, it is worth talking to him to try and find out what's going on.

As for revenge: are you friendly with any of the people he works with? You could always tell his boss that he's been up to something naughty and/or illegal! (N.B: This could be classed as slander or libel and will get you in trouble)

Or leave a large, smelly fish under his car bonnet.
How about teaching the neighbours' cat/dog/whatever to do it's business on his car or flashy suit! I have a Guinea Pig who likes to wee on people, do you want to borrow her? :rotfl:

lauradora

gems2381 wrote: »

Would he really be bothered if you did stop him seeing her? It doesn't sound like it from what you've said so it probably wouldn't get you anywhere anyway!

I'm sure he'd soon get over it :mad: but i do get on with his mum and dad and the contact was originally between me and them :rolleyes:

HHH_2

No matter how hard it is for you it is not your daughters fault and you should not deny her seeing him. If you think of it that way round rather than him seeing her it may? seem easier. He may only stick her in front of the video but as she grows up she will be able to make her own decision about if she sees him or not, this usually starts when children want to do things with their friends, my 6 yr old godchild sometimes elects not to see dad preferring to go to a birthday party or something but I know if mum had stopped contact he would be very resentful. Please please try not to say bad things about him in front of her I can understand your anger but remind yourself that you are the grown up ( as someone else has already pointed out) pat yourself on the back for that! If you cant talk to him why dont you write a letter explaining about the money and how it upsets you seeing him with apparently plenty when he should be supporting his child. That way you avoid the possible arguement in front of your child. Good luck and remember parenting is the hardest job you'll ever do and you dont even get paid!