Advice needed

HIA

Long time mse'r posting under new name. DH and I have been married 31 years, never had a joint b/a which was initially his choice as he had more assets than I when we married being older and only having lived at home. We've raised a family with only one working adult child still at home and have both worked all the way through. DH is 6 years older than me and on being made redundant 2 years ago at 57 decided he wasn't looking for a job again. He got the minimum amount of contribution based benefits he was entitled to for 6 months and nothing since as he was judged fit to work. He has a pension of £200/ month and with his/our savings he runs his car, vapes and pays the council tax.
I say our savings because he always saved from his much larger salary and he paid the mortgage which made him feel the house was his. I paid everything else for the home, myself and the children.
I meanwhile continue to work full-time, pay all the bills (we have no mortgage now) and buy all family Xmas presents, pay for holidays if I want them etc.
Two and a half years ago when I was made redundant I signed on for a few months which is not a nice experience but mainly for the national insurance. I did make a big effort to get a job though which paid off. He thinks this is beneath him.

Lizabeth21

Advice needed?

Red-Squirrel_2

Any particular reason you are still married?

HIA

I have thought that, but being alone after all this time is scary but then the thought of being alone with him after last child goes not much better. I am also sole carer for my disabled mother who lives near us. I know my kids would side with him.

Pollycat

HIA wrote: »

I have thought that, but being alone after all this time is scary but then the thought of being alone with him after last child goes not much better. I am also sole carer for my disabled mother who lives near us. I know my kids would side with him.

Why would they do that?

I'm not sure what you're looking for here.
Asking for advice?
Asking if we think he's being fair?
Or are you just getting things off your chest?

HIA

Ha ha, all three I think. Trying to decide if "this is the first day of the rest of your life" or some other homilie.

fabforty

HIA wrote: »

Long time mse'r posting under new name. DH and I have been married 31 years, never had a joint b/a which was initially his choice as he had more assets than I when we married being older and only having lived at home. We've raised a family with only one working adult child still at home and have both worked all the way through. DH is 6 years older than me and on being made redundant 2 years ago at 57 decided he wasn't looking for a job again. He got the minimum amount of contribution based benefits he was entitled to for 6 months and nothing since as he was judged fit to work. He has a pension of £200/ month and with his/our savings he runs his car, vapes and pays the council tax.
I say our savings because he always saved from his much larger salary and he paid the mortgage which made him feel the house was his. I paid everything else for the home, myself and the children.
I meanwhile continue to work full-time, pay all the bills (we have no mortgage now) and buy all family Xmas presents, pay for holidays if I want them etc.
Two and a half years ago when I was made redundant I signed on for a few months which is not a nice experience but mainly for the national insurance. I did make a big effort to get a job though which paid off. He thinks this is beneath him.

Perhaps I'm missing the point, but I'm not sure what the problem is. Without a mortgage, how much are you living expenses and can you manage realistically on his pension and your wages?
It sounds as if, having worked for years, he was made redundant and is happy to be at home. Is it that you are struggling financially, or do you just feel that he should be working regardless? If you are thinking of leaving him over it, this suggests that there is more to the story..

maman

fabforty wrote: »

Perhaps I'm missing the point, but I'm not sure what the problem is. Without a mortgage, how much are you living expenses and can you manage realistically on his pension and your wages?
It sounds as if, having worked for years, he was made redundant and is happy to be at home. Is it that you are struggling financially, or do you just feel that he should be working regardless? If you are thinking of leaving him over it, this suggests that there is more to the story..

When I first scanned the original post I thought maybe the situation was a bit unfair. I was also struck by what a poor pension he was collecting from years in a job a job with a 'much larger salary'. But then I thought if he's earned the lion's share of the money coming into the house for 30 years and brought more financially to the relationship to begin with then why shouldn't he reverse the role for a while.


So what exactly is the problem OP? If he doesn't work, does he pull his weight in the home? I would certainly be expecting him to do his share of housework.

Pollycat

Why would your kids side with him?
And to what extent?

fabforty

maman wrote: »

When I first scanned the original post I thought maybe the situation was a bit unfair. I was also struck by what a poor pension he was collecting from years in a job a job with a 'much larger salary'. But then I thought if he's earned the lion's share of the money coming into the house for 30 years and brought more financially to the relationship to begin with then why shouldn't he reverse the role for a while.
.

Precisely. At 60 (or nearly), with a long work history, mortgage paid off and savings, I'd be tempted to relax for a while or even permanently tbh.

Spendless

The thing is, a mortgage (usually) has an end date to paying it. Other bills, such as utilities, groceries etc go on forever. I think you need a discussion on the way forward, if he needs to also find himself some work, even if part-time so as not to deplete all savings