Help for Family Member with Depression

anotheruser

So I need some help on where to turn.

Someone in our family is severely depressed. They live in a room in a shared house but we had to call the police as we were afraid for their safety.

Telephoned the doctors to get some sort of medication for another health problem. That was £43. The doctor referred us to a Crisis team, who telephoned yesterday and said our case wasn't for them and to go back to the doctors. Telephoned the doctors, who said they'd call back.

We have a bit of a plan for Christmas but there is nobody else to sort all this out apart from us. The parents are very elderly, siblings don't care so it's just us.
It seems many organisations don't want to help either.

But now my wife is struggling to cope big time.

I've thought about the samaritans?
Is there anywhere we can turn for help with this?

PeacefulWaters

Depression is an evil condition.

The charity MIND may be able to give you some pointers.
https://www.mind.org.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAiAsejRBRB3EiwAZft7sLd3xE4wzFtCt6urwaj2uwXVFyalbD_PKVXF2-r-_6lS0oF5HIq3kBoC0vcQAvD_BwE

Your post doesn't really explain too much about your relative's condition. But trying to improve lifestyle etc can help, as can popping round for a chat.

Go for a walk with him - fresh air and exercise is good. Daily perhaps.

Visit his room and help him tidy up. Don't do all of it though. Help him helping himself.

Lower sugar intake, less coffee, more fruit and veg can feel like positive steps.

Avoiding alcohol, drugs, gambling and other addictive activities when depressed is important.

Getting forms for prescription season tickets can get the cost of drugs down a lot. Might be able to reclaim what's already been paid too if you've kept receipts etc.

It's a long haul getting out of depression. Being supported by people you know can help. Keep helping.

Attila_the_Bun

So did the doctors call back, like they said they would? They are the ones who are medically responsible for the patient.

BorisThomson

Why did the medication cost £43? Is it something not available on the NHS.

I'm really sorry for the situation you're in, this is the state of mental health provision in the NHS right now, and it is only getting worse. The crisis team are unlikely to do anything unless he is actively suicidal (even those that have made attempts are regularly sent home from A&E), and the GP can do little more than prescribing drugs and putting him on a waiting list.

The Samaritans will listen, at any time, but they can't provide any more than that. It's not that these organisations don't want to help, it's that they simply don't have the funds.

Peaceful's advice is all good, but more aimed at moderate depression, someone in the depths of depression is unlikely to fancy a walk (although there's no harm in asking).

anotheruser

Here's some more info:

For the last 10+ years he's been living in the bedroom of a shared house.
He had a job as a baker but that finished, so he moved onto a cleaning
job. It's a late evening shift, so he can go for weeks without speaking to anyone. He has very little confidence.

It all came to a head a couple of days ago. We took him out at the weekend but my wife said she knew something wasn't right. On Monday he sent a message to her saying he was going away for a few days and he was really sorry. We called the police who sent someone round to make sure he was okay. We got there shortly after where he just broke down, more than I have ever seen anyone before.

Turns out he had stopped taking his heart medication some years back in the hope he wouldn't wake up one day. He's admitted he's too cowardly to directly take his own life but I'm not so sure.

Due to a separate issue, there is some sort of case worker with the police.
However it seems they aren't in until after the New Year now.

My wife is making steps to look for other cleaning jobs to bring in a little more money and better hours. He's told us he survives on about £650 a month, eats one meal a day. We're desperate to get him out of where he's living but he doesn't drive. He's already realised the drugs he's been taking regularly over the past few years aren't helping.

The doctors have called back and a doctor who is more mental health savvy is going to see him.

PeacefulWaters

BorisThomson wrote: »

Why did the medication cost £43? Is it something not available on the NHS.

Sounds like five separate medications.

Hence the prescription season ticket suggestion.

trailingspouse

Not sure that I have much to add, but didn't want to read and run.

It's possible/probable that his parents/siblings don't want to help because they suffered burn out years ago - don't be too hard on them.

And make sure that the same fate doesn't befall you good people.

It's OK to set limits - number of visits per week, number of hours per visit and so on. Decide what you are able to do for him, and be very clear about what you can't do for him.

- you're not his psychotherapist
- you're not his mother
- you're not his social worker
- you can't cure him

This may sound harsh, but as they say on aeroplanes - secure your own oxygen mask first. If you or your wife go under, then you won't be able to help him at all.

motorguy

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Avoiding alcohol, drugs, gambling and other addictive activities when depressed is important.

Thats a big one right there. Alcohol is itself a depressant and will stop any anti-depressant medication working.

My BIL suffers from depression, is on medication for it however drinks heavily then cant understand why the medication isnt working...

Primrose

You have my sympathy. Everybody wants to walk away in these situations because often there seems to be no solution and voluntary helpers and relatives just get run into the ground with the helplessness of it all.
Does your relative have access to text or email. Try and get them to engage with you at the end of the day by sending at least one positive thing that has happened to them, however small. Make this a non-negotiable ritual so that they know at the end of the day they will have to come up with one positive. it might help give them something to focus on.


What about the other house share occupants. Could they help in any way by keeping an eye on him. Its a big responsibility to ask, but you can't handle all the load.


Get back to the GP and ask for a referral to a Crisis Team.


Above all, you and your wife must avoid being dragged in beyond the point where you can cope. We have been down this road with a family relative of our own. It didn't have a good end. Agree your boundaries and make sure you stick to them for the sake of your own mental health.


Do what practical stuff you can but make sure the relative understands what the boundaries are. At this point, if you're having to call for outside help to ensure their physical safety, they may well have reached the point beyond which you can do anything to reverse the situation. This is hard to accept, but at some point you may have to realise there are limits to what you can do without feeling guilty.


There is possibly little point in them moving into your home temporarily if they live some distance away and you are taking them away from their own local mental health resources as you will have to start all over again.

ManofLeisure_2

I feel really sorry for the poor chap - thank goodness for your support and care. All GPs have a 'duty of care' towards their patients and they must take prompt action if they think a patient's safety is being compromised. I think the best you can hope for at this stage is that the doctor does appear, and that he sets a plan of action into motion. If he doesn't, then rattle his cage until he does.

Fireflyaway

I'd say he needs to go back to the gp. Would you be able to accompany him? Maybe he didn't fully open up about how severe his symptoms are? I agree that Mind are really helpful too.
Having experienced this I'd say sufferers need hope. They want to see there is a reason to live and that their situation can change. There is usually something that can be done to improve whatever is causing the depression and helping identify a solution helps to build that hope. Listening and showing the person you care is really important. Meet for a coffee or go for a walk etc.