Marriage, depression, alcohol, house and more...

SuperPikachu

Is he on the brink of a mental breakdown? What was he like before his mother passed away?

FBaby

OP, your post made me want to give you a massive big hug. Really put things into perspective when people are whinging and moaning about arguments of insignificance when people like you face such difficulties.

It sounds like your OH is indeed in the brink of a breakdown with potentially serious MH issues. It is highly likely that as you suspect, he has been misusing his father's funds and he is now panicking that this is going to be discovered.

This is a very sad situation, but you are very right that as it stands, your priority is you and your kids. Your first step really is to speak with your FIL social worker. Unfortunately, as you are married, it is unlikely that the money you've invested would be seen as your only but that of your marriage. It would therefore be considered as part of the settlement if indeed it gets to that point.

As it is, it sounds like the house would be too big for just your FIL and your husband doesn't sound in a position to support him and look after the house, so it might have to come to selling. Social services/NHS will be under massive pressure to have your FIL move as he is currently blocking a bed, so you need to explain the situation to them so they can take the issues at home into consideration.

I wish you good luck and hope 2018 brings some peace and happiness to you.

paddy's_mum

somuchindebt wrote: »

the social worker...asked me this morning if he gets violent and I said that no he doesn't.

I can't understand why you would say this when he has been waving a lit blowtorch about! LIT! Not an imaginery scenario but a real threat to the safety and wellbeing of you all.

Calling his behaviour "argumentative" is giving the social worker a reason to dismiss your difficulties as just quarreling instead of getting the help that you all need.

In your shoes, I would have no hesitation whatever in leaving for the safety of a refuge. You can sort out the problems later. What you surely cannot do is continue sitting with your children alongside you on the top of a volcano that is about to explode.

I really hope that I don't someday read that your family all woke up dead in some ditch one morning.

I'm sorry for your trouble and wish you well.

Attila_the_Bun

somuchindebt wrote: »

Hi all!
I don't know where to start and how to make this readable but I have reached the point where I am at the verge of exploding.
My husband is an alcoholic and depressed. He also has problem with anger management. He had issues last year and he "sorted himself out", as I see now, only for awhile. He had a very difficult year. He lost his mum and month later his dad had a stroke. His dad is not back home yet but wants to. He can't speak or write or sign but otherwise he has mental capacity. My husband, I and 3 children (2 form my previous marriage and little one from this one) had been renting a house. When the lease finished we moved into husbands father's house. I spent over £7k to get the house ready for us to move in. It is a very big but very neglected house with loads of clutter and problems. Now we still have other half of the house to renovate for husbands dad to move back in. He had been in hospital for 6 months and now in temporary care home waiting to come back to his house. Since we moved in to this house my husband's mental health has deteriorated. He has stopped going to work, he spends most of time in his flat. (separate building but same address). He only does work on the house occasionally. He does not have any income but seems to have lots of money for beer and cigarettes. My suspicion is that he is using his dad's bank card to pay of his credit card.
Now social services are putting the pressure to get Dad back home. At the moment they are not considering the house as an asset as he is going to move back. but lack of progress is worrying them. They involved a company that takes over finances of vulnerable people. They organise power of attorney and deal with everything on behalf of this person. There is no power of attorney in place as his dad never wanted one. There was a meeting today but my husband didn't attend. When I told him awhile ago about this organisation and what they do, my husband got very angry and said that he should have power of attorney. I told him I would not support him in this and he cannot look after his own affairs etc... Today after the meeting I spoke to my husband's dad and I think he wants to go ahead with this company. They said they would arrange an equity release and do works on the house to get him in plus arrange all the benefits he may be eligible to and deal with his debts... They explained that everything would be transparent and above the board. There is fee connected with the service. After the meeting I told this to my husband and he went mad. He blames me for not being at the meeting,even tough I told and texted him the time, also offered lift etc... When I said that if nothing gets done, they are going to sell the house to pay for care home, my husband threatened to burn the house. He got the blowtorch and set it off and pointed at the furniture but stopped at the end. Children were at school luckily. He then trashed everything in the living room and went to his flat. I was terrified. I want to leave. I know I should have not invested money in this house and I should have left him after last year problems. He gets violent and I thought it was resolved but it has come back. What can I do?! I feel very sorry for his dad, He hates being away from home and he longs to be back. But I can't cope. And I don't know what to expect form my husband. His behaviour is threatening and he does go back to flat when he knows he loses it, but I have children. Can you advise me, what do I do?
I worry that I can't get my money back, although if the house was sold by social services, maybe I could claim from the money it produces?
My husband needs help. He went to see GP once but missed another appointment due to the weather (it was cancelled by GP) but he didn't reschedule.
Sorry for this long post and thank you if you managed to get through to the end.

Get the hell out of there PDQ, and take your various children with you.
I feel sorry for his poor dad.

I think you may have lost your £7 grand, but you need to put yours and the children's safety first.

somuchindebt

Hello, apologies for not responding earlier. I was at work and then went to see father in law.
Thank you for all your advise, hugs, best wishes...
I would like to clarify that I spoke to social worker in the morning and this incident was in the afternoon the same day. So at the time I said to the social worker that my husband is argumentative and goes out of the house to his flat, I did not know he was going to threaten me with the blowtorch few hours later.
I rang up my husband's GP surgery and was told that his doctor will ring me tomorrow.
I too feel very sorry for his poor dad. I had promised him yesterday that I'd take him out shopping, so he was ready waiting for me at 3.00 pm today. I went there to see him all ready and excited but I was in tears. I told him about the incident and I told him that I am going to have to move out. And that the only hope is that my husband will go to hospital if he sees I mean it. When I see him, I will try to explain that if he doesn't get himself sorted, this house will get sold.
Children are at my sisters and I am going to search the net for some cheap B&B for awhile. I think it will be most likely to book something in January due to pricing at festive season. I may stay at my sisters till then. I will also ring women's aid later.
I will sort out all the essentials as lewisharwick suggested.
My father in law didn't want me to speak to social worker, so I haven't done so yet. But I told him that we will not be able to stay in the house if things don't change.

Mojisola

somuchindebt wrote: »

my husband threatened to burn the house.

He got the blowtorch and set it off and pointed at the furniture but stopped at the end.

He then trashed everything in the living room

somuchindebt wrote: »

Children are at my sisters and I am going to search the net for some cheap B&B for awhile. I think it will be most likely to book something in January due to pricing at festive season.

I may stay at my sisters till then.

I will also ring women's aid later.

Please stay away from the house and your husband so that you and the children are safe - you don't want to become the next case of family annihilation.

fizz

BorisThomson wrote: »

Sorry to go political but please can anyone reading take a moment to sign this petition please? The government have already slashed funding for women's refuges, and their plans for 2020 take it even further.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/what-we-do/campaigning-and-influencing/campaign-with-us/sos/

This isn't austerity, it's an attack on vulnerable women.

Really? Go Labour? Oh no they fked it too.

fizz.xx

Katapolt

I promise you , walking away will be the best thing you ever did.

i know how hard it is, 7 years ago i did a similar thing, and even after he was arrested i still wanted to help him. unfortunately just because they're unwell doesn't mean you stop caring, but you need to put you and your children first.

If you want to talk, message me. i've been there, and now i'm happy with my own life, not scared anymore. You deserve this too, your children deserve this.

hollydays

:His “anger management “ issues , may actually be plain old nasty bullying.
Get the hell out of there,to a safe place, you deserve better.
When he’s out of your life you’ll feel so much better .
Contact women’s aid to talk it through urgently. Keep safe.

pearl123

I presume he has his own flat because of his drinking? Disgusting that he trashes where you live and then retreats to his flat!
Clearly, there is a severe breakdown in the relationship. He irrational/dangerous and clearly in the grip of addiction.

Is he reasonable once he calms down or is he for the most part out of it every day?