Marriage, depression, alcohol, house and more...

somuchindebt

Hi all!
I don't know where to start and how to make this readable but I have reached the point where I am at the verge of exploding.
My husband is an alcoholic and depressed. He also has problem with anger management. He had issues last year and he "sorted himself out", as I see now, only for awhile. He had a very difficult year. He lost his mum and month later his dad had a stroke. His dad is not back home yet but wants to. He can't speak or write or sign but otherwise he has mental capacity. My husband, I and 3 children (2 form my previous marriage and little one from this one) had been renting a house. When the lease finished we moved into husbands father's house. I spent over £7k to get the house ready for us to move in. It is a very big but very neglected house with loads of clutter and problems. Now we still have other half of the house to renovate for husbands dad to move back in. He had been in hospital for 6 months and now in temporary care home waiting to come back to his house. Since we moved in to this house my husband's mental health has deteriorated. He has stopped going to work, he spends most of time in his flat. (separate building but same address). He only does work on the house occasionally. He does not have any income but seems to have lots of money for beer and cigarettes. My suspicion is that he is using his dad's bank card to pay of his credit card.
Now social services are putting the pressure to get Dad back home. At the moment they are not considering the house as an asset as he is going to move back. but lack of progress is worrying them. They involved a company that takes over finances of vulnerable people. They organise power of attorney and deal with everything on behalf of this person. There is no power of attorney in place as his dad never wanted one. There was a meeting today but my husband didn't attend. When I told him awhile ago about this organisation and what they do, my husband got very angry and said that he should have power of attorney. I told him I would not support him in this and he cannot look after his own affairs etc... Today after the meeting I spoke to my husband's dad and I think he wants to go ahead with this company. They said they would arrange an equity release and do works on the house to get him in plus arrange all the benefits he may be eligible to and deal with his debts... They explained that everything would be transparent and above the board. There is fee connected with the service. After the meeting I told this to my husband and he went mad. He blames me for not being at the meeting,even tough I told and texted him the time, also offered lift etc... When I said that if nothing gets done, they are going to sell the house to pay for care home, my husband threatened to burn the house. He got the blowtorch and set it off and pointed at the furniture but stopped at the end. Children were at school luckily. He then trashed everything in the living room and went to his flat. I was terrified. I want to leave. I know I should have not invested money in this house and I should have left him after last year problems. He gets violent and I thought it was resolved but it has come back. What can I do?! I feel very sorry for his dad, He hates being away from home and he longs to be back. But I can't cope. And I don't know what to expect form my husband. His behaviour is threatening and he does go back to flat when he knows he loses it, but I have children. Can you advise me, what do I do?
I worry that I can't get my money back, although if the house was sold by social services, maybe I could claim from the money it produces?
My husband needs help. He went to see GP once but missed another appointment due to the weather (it was cancelled by GP) but he didn't reschedule.
Sorry for this long post and thank you if you managed to get through to the end.

BorisThomson

You need to convince your husband to go to the GP, and if he won't you need to contact the GP to express your concerns. It sounds like he is *very* unwell and needs to be assessed by the mental health team as an emergency.

(Note that emergency in mental health services can be months, but if someone doesn't take that first step he's never going to get any help.)

somuchindebt

Thank you, I didn't know I can go to his GP. What can they do? I worry if I go behind his back he will get even more angry, well I know he will. Last year when he had issues, he was threatening to kill himself and he was at his flat, locked himself in. I told his dad to ring the police. When police arrived he was mad and they had to restrain him. They took him to a hospital and he had an assessment and was let out the same or next night. This scares me. He was so angry and said he never ever is going to go to that place.

littleredhen

have a look here
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

littleredhen

there is a freephone number on the page i gave you its 24 hours, please give them a call

BorisThomson

somuchindebt wrote: »

Thank you, I didn't know I can go to his GP. What can they do? I worry if I go behind his back he will get even more angry, well I know he will. Last year when he had issues, he was threatening to kill himself and he was at his flat, locked himself in. I told his dad to ring the police. When police arrived he was mad and they had to restrain him. They took him to a hospital and he had an assessment and was let out the same or next night. This scares me. He was so angry and said he never ever is going to go to that place.

What do you mean by his flat, does he not live with the rest of you?

His GP cannot discuss your husband's health with you, but he can listen to you and he has a duty to act if what you report raises concerns. The problem is that mental health services are so woefully underfunded that they don't have the resources to deal with people even when they're in crisis, as you discovered last year

You could also speak to the social worker involved, as they have a duty towards both of you as carers. I would have concerns as to allowing a vulnerable older person back to a household with your husband in it.

On what you've told us, your husband should be sectioned, as he is demonstrating a risk to himself and others. However mental health services will only do this if they have a bed available, and it's very likely that they will not.

In an emergency you can call the police. A large proportion of their work is mental health related now, they will act if either you or him are at risk of harm.

BorisThomson

Sorry to go political but please can anyone reading take a moment to sign this petition please? The government have already slashed funding for women's refuges, and their plans for 2020 take it even further.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/what-we-do/campaigning-and-influencing/campaign-with-us/sos/

This isn't austerity, it's an attack on vulnerable women.

somuchindebt

Hi, my husband has a flat which is in a separate building, but at the same address. Basically a studio flat above garages.
I have direct number to the social worker. She even asked me this morning if the gets violent and I said that no he doesn't but he is argumentative. And when he feels he is getting angry he goes to his flat. This incident has happened after. I think I will speak to my father in law about what happened and then speak to social worker. I know it sounds bad but I had social services involved last year and it was so stressful. I don't know if I can go through this again. Ideally I would just leave but difficult to sort it.

somuchindebt

I have signed the petition. I tried ringing them but it goes tot he voicemail, so will try tomorrow. Thank you

ognum

OP you do understand you are not in a marriage with your husband, his behaviour does not make him an acceptable husband or father.

He may well have mental health issues, he may well be under a lot of stress but you need to look after yourself and your children.

Frankly, your money is probably gone unless you have the receipts to prove you have paid out and can wait until the property is sold to make a claim on the assets.

It is time for you to focus on yourself and no longer accept the abuse you have been subjected to. Find some help, move out. Your FIL is not your relative he is your husbands, do not become his carer too.

Move out and move on.

lewishardwick

Hi,

There's been a lot of good advice already provided.

I'd also add the gather all your, and your children's essentials (passports, bank cards, driving licence, marriage cert, medicine etc) into one safe place. You need to ensure you have a plan if you need to leave immediately. Prep a grab bag so you can take your children and get out.

I know of is extremely hard to leave a partner even after all this. We keep looking for the best in people. But what if the next time he hurts you, or the children?

As you've already suggested, get social services involved now. This home is not safe for anyone at the moment.

Sadly some people just want to watch the world burn.