Advice needed

ska_lover

henry24 wrote: »

Only reason I cant agree is because I don't like being told what to do and would never tell her without a good reason.

Hmmmm. Your wife has good reason, she hasn't suddenly changed personality - after being happy with this situation for ten years

Come on Henry, what is really going on?

There is more to this than the flabberghasted middle aged bloke routine

Pollycat

henry24 wrote: »

she wants all contact between us all to stop

Yes. I think something like this has happened:

Pollycat wrote: »

Exactly this ^^^^.

It may be something like a chance comment from a friend, maybe something like 'your chap seems to get on well with X and her child'.

Or maybe she's noticed X being (in your wife's opinion) too friendly towards you.

Or maybe you've said something innocuous that she's picked up on and got her antennae twitching.

You need to find out what it is that recently changed your wife's opinion of the relationship between you and X.

Has she said just the visits to X's house must stop or has she said she doesn't want them coming for a meal?

You need to reflect on what has happened to cause this.
Because something clearly has.

mgdavid

JayJay100 wrote: »

......... You don't say whether you have children of your own, .........

yes he did.

(hint - post #36)

FBaby

Hmmmm. Your wife has good reason, she hasn't suddenly changed personality - after being happy with this situation for ten years

Come on Henry, what is really going on?

There is more to this than the flabberghasted middle aged bloke routine

Indeed, something must have happened. It's not about what is 'wrong' but what did happen that made her suddenly think that your interest is not innocent, or hers, or both. Maybe she said something to her? No relationship for 10 years... is she waiting for you?

VintageHistorian

So you and your wife have no children. You struck up a friendship with a woman 25 years younger than you. At the time wife saw you as stepping up to be a father figure to this woman, a nice gesture and one she probably thought she would have appreciated back in her day if she'd been alone and vulnerable at that age. Fix a few things around the place, make sure she's not being stalked by some nutter, it's all good.

Then woman has a baby with no father involved and again you step in. Again your wife thinks it's okay, after being fatherly you're now being closer to a grandfather. Again all perfectly innocent, so many young people nowadays lack that kind of support and family connection, and it'll be good for the child to have some kind of male rolemodel in his life. She might even have admired you for it, she always knew you were a caring man and now you're proving it.

Then you and the wife and the little family go out for a day together. Maybe you and the woman spend some time fussing over the little boy together. Maybe you remind the woman that she needs to remember to sort out some minor household task pretty soon. Maybe you make a few jokes with her about something she's commented on about work, and then fuss over the little boy together some more.

Meanwhile your wife is stood at the sidelines watching you and a woman younger than her, who has a child (maybe the child she's always wanted but couldn't have? Or maybe a child that she's always insisted she didn't want and you agreed to be childless despite wanting your own family?) that you dote on a bit. Suddenly she can no longer see you as grandfather in this situation. She can only see you as Future Stepfather, especially once she does hit the menopause and you get fed up with her having hot flushes/bad memory/tiredness/irritable/less interested in sex etc etc etc.

It's so much easier for you to leave when you already have the new one lined up, isn't it? The next one who has a child that already knows and likes you, no awkward "this is my new boyfriend" conversations with the little one, just one day you're a permanent fixture in their life.

Seriously, stop thinking with your "boo hoo I want to be the one in control here" attitude and start looking at your wife properly. Maybe your life together hasn't been everything you both wanted it to be. There's no harm in that, all marriages turn out that way. You want children but can't have them due to health or money problems. You want a big family but can't afford to have more than one or two. You don't want children but then an accident happens. We rarely get exactly what we want out of a marriage, even if all we want is someone sleeping next to us every single night for the next fifty years, there will be points where even that isn't possible.

But maybe seeing you with this younger woman on a day out together has reminded your wife of all the times she felt your marriage wasn't quite shaping up. She worked on it, she got through it. But now she's seen what you might have had, and while it's too late for her to do anything about it, you've still got a chance. You can leave her and have the marriage you wanted 25 years ago, with someone else.

Your wife is terribly upset, and you are refusing to reassure her by insisting that you have to have your own way. All you are really doing is telling her that her worries are correct. You're emotionally invested in this other woman, and it's only a matter of time before she wakes up to find you've packed a suitcase and are telling her that you're leaving. Don't worry love, you can keep the house, but don't think about going after my pension, we need the money to send the child to a good school. Sorry it worked out this way, but I'm sure you can cope fine, this younger woman needs me more than you do.

But no, you keep on insisting you ego is more important here. I'm sure it will all work out fine.

paddy's_mum

henry24 wrote: »

if I give in now will something else happen later

Too right, sunshine and that 'something' will be a divorce petition dropping through the letterbox and your bags packed on the doorstep!

In your wife's shoes, I too would be very worried, partly by the friend's lack of a man of her own but above all by your dogged determination to do just as you please, whenever you please, without any real attempt to think how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot.

Mrs Henry: I'm just popping up the road to visit Bob the Bounder, back soon.

Henry OP: I wish you wouldn't-you know he goes through women like a tornado.

Mrs Henry: Oh, I know but I do what I want and what's it to do with you anyway..worried he might be better endowed with masculine qualities than you are, titter titter!

You talk like a petulant child who has had his teddybear taken away. I suggest you grow up sharpish before you find yourself as yet another lonely middle-aged man whose wife didn't understand him!

Compromise is usually an acceptable answer in situations such as this but your comments suggest that you are determined on your way or no way. I wish you both good luck in finding a middle path.

bagpussbear

henry24 wrote: »

This is one of the things i'm worried about if I give in now will something else happen later

This is pride talking. Remember, pride comes before a fall.

Looking at the bigger picture, your wife has had no issues in the last 10 years about this which suggests she isn't controlling or is in the habit of demanding you give up this, or that. Would I be right?

But now she takes issue, and there has to be a reason for it. If you are genuinely not flirting or giving your wife reason to suspect something is going on, then I bet your wife has picked up something from this woman that something is off. Perhaps this woman said something directly.

If you wife was telling you what you can and can't do all the time, then yes I would agree that would be unhealthy.

If this is a one off, which has suddenly changed, and your wife feels strongly about the matter, for goodness sake why aren't you listening.

Apologies to come across harsh, but stop with the childish 'my wife shouldn't tell me who I can or can't see'.

So I stick with my original comment, if your wife is more important to you than the neighbour, then drop the neighbour.

Pollycat

With quite a few posters pointing out that the recent attitude change of Mrs Henry is significant, let's hope the OP has a really good think about what's caused the change instead of stamping his foot and insisting he's going to do what he wants.

JayJay100

mgdavid wrote: »

yes he did.

(hint - post #36)

Thank you for pointing that out. He hadn't at the time I was typing my response, but I was delayed in posting it, and I didn't think it was worth editing it, as it didn't really change the points I was making at the time.

mgdavid

VintageHistorian wrote: »

So you and your wife have no children. You struck up a friendship with a woman 25 years younger than you. At the time wife saw you as stepping up to be a father figure to this woman, a nice gesture and one she probably thought she would have appreciated back in her day if she'd been alone and vulnerable at that age. Fix a few things around the place, make sure she's not being stalked by some nutter, it's all good.

Then woman has a baby with no father involved and again you step in. Again your wife thinks it's okay, after being fatherly you're now being closer to a grandfather. Again all perfectly innocent, so many young people nowadays lack that kind of support and family connection, and it'll be good for the child to have some kind of male rolemodel in his life. She might even have admired you for it, she always knew you were a caring man and now you're proving it.

Then you and the wife and the little family go out for a day together. Maybe you and the woman spend some time fussing over the little boy together. Maybe you remind the woman that she needs to remember to sort out some minor household task pretty soon. Maybe you make a few jokes with her about something she's commented on about work, and then fuss over the little boy together some more.

Meanwhile your wife is stood at the sidelines watching you and a woman younger than her, who has a child (maybe the child she's always wanted but couldn't have? Or maybe a child that she's always insisted she didn't want and you agreed to be childless despite wanting your own family?) that you dote on a bit. Suddenly she can no longer see you as grandfather in this situation. She can only see you as Future Stepfather, especially once she does hit the menopause and you get fed up with her having hot flushes/bad memory/tiredness/irritable/less interested in sex etc etc etc.

It's so much easier for you to leave when you already have the new one lined up, isn't it? The next one who has a child that already knows and likes you, no awkward "this is my new boyfriend" conversations with the little one, just one day you're a permanent fixture in their life.

Seriously, stop thinking with your "boo hoo I want to be the one in control here" attitude and start looking at your wife properly. Maybe your life together hasn't been everything you both wanted it to be. There's no harm in that, all marriages turn out that way. You want children but can't have them due to health or money problems. You want a big family but can't afford to have more than one or two. You don't want children but then an accident happens. We rarely get exactly what we want out of a marriage, even if all we want is someone sleeping next to us every single night for the next fifty years, there will be points where even that isn't possible.

But maybe seeing you with this younger woman on a day out together has reminded your wife of all the times she felt your marriage wasn't quite shaping up. She worked on it, she got through it. But now she's seen what you might have had, and while it's too late for her to do anything about it, you've still got a chance. You can leave her and have the marriage you wanted 25 years ago, with someone else.

Your wife is terribly upset, and you are refusing to reassure her by insisting that you have to have your own way. All you are really doing is telling her that her worries are correct. You're emotionally invested in this other woman, and it's only a matter of time before she wakes up to find you've packed a suitcase and are telling her that you're leaving. Don't worry love, you can keep the house, but don't think about going after my pension, we need the money to send the child to a good school. Sorry it worked out this way, but I'm sure you can cope fine, this younger woman needs me more than you do.

But no, you keep on insisting you ego is more important here. I'm sure it will all work out fine.

Not bad; have you been writing short stories very long?