Alternative birthday arrangements

theoretica

iammumtoone wrote: »

I think you need to get a bit ruthless and remind everyone your event is free.

I would go stronger than that. Remind them the event is paid for by you on the basis of their original RSVP and will not be refunded.

Possibly also explain that you do realise the wording chosen by the cousin was confusing, but you were not involved in that.

JayJay100

iammumtoone wrote: »

I admire your calmness OP I would be livid!

I would send a text out to everyone you invited along the lines

There seems to be some confusion/misunderstanding about Mums birthday do. There is a meal organised by x on (date) and a meal on (date) organised by myself. The event organised by myself is still going ahead. You are welcome to come to one or the other or both. Mum and myself would love to see you at meal on (date) Meal and drinks are all paid for for so you only have the expensive of traveling. Please can you let me know if you will be attending this event as if not I will need to ask some one else to fill your place.

Once you definite numbers then starting filling up spaces, ask neighbours old friends that weren't originally included etc.

Good Luck

iammumtoone wrote: »

I think you need to get a bit ruthless and remind everyone your event is free.

Does everyone have to travel far I can't see why they should refuse a free event in favour of paying? Or at the every least if they like the sound of the other one go to both.

I am a bit confused are the sisters going to the event organised by your cousin?

I am livid, but edging towards upset now; I just wanted this to be as close to perfect for mum as it could be.

The text you've suggested is pretty similar to the one I've sent, apart from the free bit; although everyone does know that it's a free do, apart from any additional alcohol, over and above the drinks package. People are apologising, but most of my cousin's immediate family have chosen the pub-do; they've even gone as far as to say that they're sorry, but they don't want to upset my cousin.

There's very little travelling for anyone; most are within about a ten mile radius, apart from a nephew, who has already booked into the hotel for a night.

The sisters are already away; they're visiting family abroad.

I think I'm going to leave it now, and see how Sunday goes. Once that's out of the way, I'll look at how many confirmations I've got, and bump up some of the people that were invited, but not to the meal part. It will mean upgrading the children's meals, and more money, but it's better than completely wasted meals.

Mojisola

JayJay100 wrote: »

The message sent by cousin started with the words 'change of plan!'

There are no (polite) words that can be used - no wonder your invitees have become confused about which is the 'official' do!

barbiedoll

Your cousin knows exactly what she’s doing, as do you. She’s sticking her oar in, undermining your arrangements and has completely taken over YOUR plans for YOUR mum.

Why is everyone so scared of upsetting her? I do understand that you’ve been through the emotional wringer lately so I can see why you don’t want to make a fuss at the moment. You’ve had lots of good advice on how to salvage your mum’s day, so make the best of it and do make the most of the “free” drinks that you’ve paid for!

Can I make one suggestion though? Bide your time. Wait until you’re ready to strike and then let your overbearing bully of a cousin have it with both barrels. Personally, after seeing her text about the so-called “change of plan”, I’d have been on her doorstep the next day, screeching at her to butt out and mind her own business, how dare she hijack your plans!

Hope you and your mum have a lovely day, along with your family. Do think about rescinding your cousin’s invite though!

iammumtoone

Personally at your Mums do I would be speaking to the Aunts and apologising that everyone from that side of the family is not here, they were invited but decided to go to your cousins do instead, whereas you delayed purposefully as you knew your Mum wanted to be with them and they wouldn't want to miss the event.

Sorry but I wouldn't be able to let it go, no need for your Mum to hear the conversation but I would have to say something, thats just me.

I am sure your Mum will still have a great day. It probably won't matter to her if shes see everyone at the same time as long as she see them. This way if you bump some of the evening people up to daytime you have spaces in the evening so can invite even more people for her to celebrate with.

NeilCr

Change of plan is such a weird thing to say

Strikes me that it could be one of two things

She is a really horrible person and has done this delberately

Or

Could there be a miscommunication/misunderstanding and she really thinks that there has been a change of date/plan

Unlike others here I wouldn’t be steaming in. I’d be having a quiet conversation with her over a cuppa/glass of wine to try and understand what is going on. And explain to her the issues

In the end, the only important person right now is your mum. As long as she has a good time (or times) that’s all that matters

JayJay100

barbiedoll wrote: »

Your cousin knows exactly what she’s doing, as do you. She’s sticking her oar in, undermining your arrangements and has completely taken over YOUR plans for YOUR mum.

Why is everyone so scared of upsetting her? I do understand that you’ve been through the emotional wringer lately so I can see why you don’t want to make a fuss at the moment. You’ve had lots of good advice on how to salvage your mum’s day, so make the best of it and do make the most of the “free” drinks that you’ve paid for!

Can I make one suggestion though? Bide your time. Wait until you’re ready to strike and then let your overbearing bully of a cousin have it with both barrels. Personally, after seeing her text about the so-called “change of plan”, I’d have been on her doorstep the next day, screeching at her to butt out and mind her own business, how dare she hijack your plans!

Hope you and your mum have a lovely day, along with your family. Do think about rescinding your cousin’s invite though!

That's just it, I'm not so sure if she does realise the impact she can have; it's almost as if there's a blank spot there. She seems to think 'this is better' and just steams in, with no consideration for the impact on others. You can tell her in black and white terms, and you can almost see her process the information and dismiss it, to carry on with her own thing. It's extraordinary to watch.

Everyone is wary of upsetting her, and I think that's become almost a way of life. I can remember family do's years ago, where she would storm out, with first hubby and children in tow, and no one would actually know why. It would take months to sort out, and in that time, no one would see the children, I can remember people apologising, and not knowing what they were apologising for. It makes sorting things out or having your own say very difficult indeed. What's even worse is that you're expected (and told) to be the bigger person and not to make a fuss.

iammumtoone wrote: »

Personally at your Mums do I would be speaking to the Aunts and apologising that everyone from that side of the family is not here, they were invited but decided to go to your cousins do instead, whereas you delayed purposefully as you knew your Mum wanted to be with them and they wouldn't want to miss the event.

Sorry but I wouldn't be able to let it go, no need for your Mum to hear the conversation but I would have to say something, thats just me.

I am sure your Mum will still have a great day. It probably won't matter to her if shes see everyone at the same time as long as she see them. This way if you bump some of the evening people up to daytime you have spaces in the evening so can invite even more people for her to celebrate with.

My Aunts have had their invitations; they know that things have been put back so they can be there. Both Aunts are pretty vocal, so they will certainly have something to say. One Aunt isn't a big fan of mine, as she doesn't really view me as family, as I'm not blood, but I think she will still pull her daughter up for this. That said, their relationship isn't always great.

Yes, I'm coming round to the fact that mum will hopefully have two great do's. In some ways, she's closer to her dancing friends, than some of the family, as she sees them every week and they do things socially; they will be my first choice to bump up for the meal. In terms of the afternoon/evening invite, I haven't really got anyone else to ask, but the OH has suggested that I send one more message saying that I understand that people are now busy on the day, but they're more than welcome to pop in for the entertainment (free beer), if they're in the area. I think he's right.

NeilCr wrote: »

Change of plan is such a weird thing to say

Strikes me that it could be one of two things

She is a really horrible person and has done this delberately

Or

Could there be a miscommunication/misunderstanding and she really thinks that there has been a change of date/plan

Unlike others here I wouldn’t be steaming in. I’d be having a quiet conversation with her over a cuppa/glass of wine to try and understand what is going on. And explain to her the issues

In the end, the only important person right now is your mum. As long as she has a good time (or times) that’s all that matters

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think she may have meant change of their plans, rather than change of the whole thing, as the message was only sent to her immediate family. Hand on heart, I can't say she's a horrible person. She does have a lot of good qualities; we just don't see things or deal with things in the same way.

I've tried the quiet approach years ago on previous things, and she just doesn't get it. I always try to understand her point of view, but she doesn't seem to be able to reciprocate.

Yes, I'm hoping that mum will have two great do's. I know that if I make any more of a fuss, it will spoil it for her, so I'm keeping quiet now.