Alternative birthday arrangements

JayJay100

oystercatcher wrote: »

Sometimes you can't get everyone together . I had three birthday meals this year , three times the fun in my view. If your mum is happy to go to both events then let her enjoy them both, as long as her sisters and a few other people are at the party you are organising it should still go well.

That's just it, everyone had accepted and it was ready to go. The party that I've organised is now light by 29 people, and that's going to have quite an impact; it also includes most of the smaller children, who mum loves to have around, and were the main reason for having a do in the day.

Gilead wrote: »

Tell your mum what happened and see how she wants to proceed. Personally, I would tell the cousin you thought it was a meal for the two of them and it has evolved into another party which is not wanted. Either they fix it or it isn't happening.

Mum knows, and is happy to go to both; she doesn't want to upset anyone. I don't want to make too much fuss, as mum and I have had a difficult couple of weeks over my natural mother situation; she thinks I've got a problem with the way that it's been handled, which deep down I have, but not enough to upset her any more than she already is.

JayJay100

chesky wrote: »

Not if the space and catering are all organised for a certain number.

Not only organised, but I was given a good rate for both the food choices and the drinks package, based on the number of people going.

Mojisola

JayJay100 wrote: »

That's just it, everyone had accepted and it was ready to go. The party that I've organised is now light by 29 people, and that's going to have quite an impact

Mum knows, and is happy to go to both; she doesn't want to upset anyone. I don't want to make too much fuss

JayJay100 wrote: »

Not only organised, but I was given a good rate for both the food choices and the drinks package, based on the number of people going.

I think you're brilliant for putting your Mum first - I'd be furious with the cousin for scuppering your well-thought-out event!

Red-Squirrel_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I think you're brilliant for putting your Mum first - I'd be furious with the cousin for scuppering your well-thought-out event!

You know, I'd almost be inclined to ask her straight if she realises that she's doing this. Just wouldn't want to risk causing stress to the birthday girl.

JayJay100

Malthusian wrote: »

Clearly it is wanted because around 26 people including the OP's mother have agreed to go. It makes perfect sense to have a more laid-back meal on the mother's actual birthday for those who are around. That's what most people would do


If people seriously thought that you'd put all that thought and planning into this extravaganza and then cancelled it in favour of a pub lunch, it seems that it wasn't communicated very well as to how big an event this was going to be. Although it's a bit late now perhaps you should explain that this was to be the "big" birthday celebration with all the closest members of family present, and see if they change their minds.

If it comes down to it, ring the hotel and explain there will be fewer people than you thought. They should be able to put you in a smaller room so you won't be rattling around. If the entertainment and buffet isn't going to work with a smaller number, cancel it and go to the theatre or something. Your mother won't know that you had a bigger event planned - she will just be enjoying a nice lunch with her sisters and the rest of her family.

Don't tell me you committed to a certain number of people turning up before you'd taken their money?

Not exactly. The message sent by cousin started with the words 'change of plan!' The new meal isn't on her actual birthday, it's on the Sunday before.

The invitations for my 'do' were brief in content, but I spoke to the majority of people to explain what was happening, and that it was a surprise for mum: I'm not sure how much more communication I could be expected to give.

The hotel aren't particularly interested, and it has been paid in full, by me: there was never an intention for anyone to pay for themselves, as it was more important to have people there, and I knew money would be tight, this close to Christmas, especially for the younger ones. To cancel it will mean that I lose the lot, and there's not a lot left in the pot to arrange something else.

JayJay100

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

I'd be annoyed too, but if your mum is willing to do both, knowing that it means splitting the attendees between them rather than the full gathering she wanted, I don't really know what you can do.

Agreed. A couple have come back and said that they'll go to both, so at least that's something. One has said she'd rather come to my do, but she's afraid of upsetting my cousin, so she's going to that one instead.

And it really helps seeing someone else say that they'd be annoyed too!

JayJay100

Mojisola wrote: »

I think you're brilliant for putting your Mum first - I'd be furious with the cousin for scuppering your well-thought-out event!

Is there anything beyond furious? If so, I'm there! And thank you.

iammumtoone

I admire your calmness OP I would be livid!

I would send a text out to everyone you invited along the lines

There seems to be some confusion/misunderstanding about Mums birthday do. There is a meal organised by x on (date) and a meal on (date) organised by myself. The event organised by myself is still going ahead. You are welcome to come to one or the other or both. Mum and myself would love to see you at meal on (date) Meal and drinks are all paid for for so you only have the expensive of traveling. Please can you let me know if you will be attending this event as if not I will need to ask some one else to fill your place.

Once you definite numbers then starting filling up spaces, ask neighbours old friends that weren't originally included etc.

Good Luck

iammumtoone

JayJay100 wrote: »

Agreed. A couple have come back and said that they'll go to both, so at least that's something. One has said she'd rather come to my do, but she's afraid of upsetting my cousin, so she's going to that one instead.

I think you need to get a bit ruthless and remind everyone your event is free.

Does everyone have to travel far I can't see why they should refuse a free event in favour of paying? Or at the every least if they like the sound of the other one go to both.

I am a bit confused are the sisters going to the event organised by your cousin?

JayJay100

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

You know, I'd almost be inclined to ask her straight if she realises that she's doing this. Just wouldn't want to risk causing stress to the birthday girl.

I'm pretty sure that if I tackle her direct, it will blow up in my face and there will be a huge amount of upset. She will definitely drag my mum into it. Plus, if I'm honest, I've been so stressed out about other things over the last few weeks/months, I'd probably end up bawling my eyes out or tearing her hair out: not ideal, which ever way you look at it.