“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

WannabeFree

Wow so many replies.

I have had toast :A I think the threat of being force fed from someone helped

Armchairexpert I don't trust anyone I'm very much a keep my brick wall built high and keep everyone at a certain distance - I suppose I even keep the smalls at a distance to some extent too

As for the cleaning I still do feel I need to do it all everyday and more than I do because I should do it. I'll never successfully do the amount I think I should do though.

Food ultimately I don't want to gain weight Again I will never be happy with what 'I am' It sounds ridiculous and probably doesn't even make sense but being alone I have full control over this and when someone isn't there to force food then I don't eat. I don't want to eat. I don't feel hungry etc.

armchairexpert

It does make perfect sense. But that doesn't mean it's okay. You're describing disordered thinking and compulsive behaviours that are bad for you. What I'm trying to tease out is whether you know that and are trying to battle it, because I don't really get the sense that you're there yet.

I know you have various appointments and a doctor, do you discuss this stuff with them?

WannabeFree

I do discuss it with them. I've been under someone for the eating side of things since being a teen. Back and forwards over the years.

I do know it's wrong and I definitely don't want small ones to think it's normal or do it. However I do like the feeling of 'control' it gives me and I can't lie and deny it. There's other 'behaviours' used too. It goes through phases where my control is using those 'things' and then phases where I do those things less and control it that way too. I've battled with eating/making myself sick etc since being young. As young as I can remember in fact. I think it's always been there.
I can't say I enjoy it as that's the wrong thing but I do like how it makes me feel in control when I'm in the phase of 'doing'

I know I can stop ... I think. Maybe not right this minute but the time will come I will stop and it goes away. Then I feel myself losing 'control' and it's the first things I turn to for comfort

I do speak to the Dr as I said, however I don't 'open' up to a lot of things. I think the 'wall' is very sturdy now after so long and I'm not ready to let that change. Like I said I even keep the smalls at a distance not to let 'them in' and them get hurt


*If this post offends anyone then please just tell me and I'll delete what I've said.

armchairexpert

That makes total sense, and you've obviously got a lot of insight into the issue. I hope I didn't offend you! I'm actually really relieved to know that you know it's an issue, because - as you know! - these kinds of disorders do try and trick us into thinking that they're actually on our side, and the people trying to help us are actually against us. So external help, like your doctor or therapist, is really crucial.

I have a background of addiction and different sorts of compulsive behaviours, so I'm not a million miles away from where you are, thoughts-wise.

Keep talking to us, Wannabe.

pennywisepoundstupid

shariann wrote: »

Just catching up with your diary and it struck me that if you are taking painkillers then you have even more reason to make sure you eat properly or you could give yourself serious stomach problems on top of your other injuries.

Sorry to nag ... actually I'm not sorry:rotfl:

Take care of yourself xxx

I'm nagging now, shariann is right about the painkillers and eating. I was on codeine after surgery and even though I didn't feel like eating I would nibble a slice of toast of a couple of cream crackers even if it was 2 in the morning.

Make sure you eat today, something simple like beans on toast, some soup or cheese and crackers.

I will be back to check .

UncannyScot

Morning missus

Have a lovely day...

I've got Stovies in the big pot should you need any
(((((HUGS)))))

WannabeFree

Definitely didn't offend me Armchair. I just hope I haven't offended anyone in my replies Thank you for stopping in and replying x

Haha Pennywise. Something will be eaten today.

Slow down US I did eat something you're getting to prepared :rotfl:

WannabeFree

Morning

Feeling the late nights I think I'm getting too old :rotf: or my alarms getting earlier.
Smalls are all up showered and ready - watching rubbish on TV waiting to be collected by the neighbour :A

I still feel rough getting boring now So no major plans today. Just cleaning and waiting for the gas man to do the safety check. I feel like non of my posts are very mse like recently

Toni'sfriend

Hello W
Fist of all you are not offending anyone. We are just all very concerned about you. I'm really glad that you've told us about your eating problems etc in your last few posts. I think that many of us had suspicions that you had these difficulties. Do you find it easier to speak about them on here because you're not having to talk to a "real" person? If you are and it helps please keep doing so - you can always ignore what we say in return. I think you're caught in a vicious circle at the moment but I'm sure you can get over it. And your diary doesn't just have to be about debt busting so don't worry if that's had to take a backseat for a little while.
Meanwhile, I think you and me should head over to Uncanny Scot's and help him polish off those stovies. xx

WannabeFree

Toni'sfriend wrote: »

Hello W
Fist of all you are not offending anyone. We are just all very concerned about you. I'm really glad that you've told us about your eating problems etc in your last few posts. I think that many of us had suspicions that you had these difficulties. Do you find it easier to speak about them on here because you're not having to talk to a "real" person? If you are and it helps please keep doing so - you can always ignore what we say in return. I think you're caught in a vicious circle at the moment but I'm sure you can get over it. And your diary doesn't just have to be about debt busting so don't worry if that's had to take a backseat for a little while.
Meanwhile, I think you and me should head over to Uncanny Scot's and help him polish off those stovies. xx

I think it's easier here because no one knows who I am to do anything really in real life to forceful. If that makes sense. Those who do know who I am I know won't take things further. I hope.

Haha US has already told me he would make me eat stovies :rotfl: Hopefully that's not the real reason he's making stovies today :eek: