Divorce and access advice

FBaby

As she gets older, it would be nice if she could spend the entire of Christmas day in one place, without being taken from one place to another.

Not forcibly. My two kids have always insisted that they wanted to spend the day with both of us if not together.

I would prefer the arrangement OP's ex is suggesting as I would then just go away, but they have always preferred it this way.

TBagpuss

There is no single right answer. What you've been doing up to now has advantaged, chiefly that you have each been able to spend time with her on Christmas Day, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is going to work for everyone for ever. In particular, other arrangments may make it easier to accommodate plans if one of you wants to be able to take her away over christmas, or to spend christmas with your extended families (especially if they don't all live very locally)

It may also make it easier to have a more relaxed christmas, if you are to having to clock-watch and make sure that she is ready to go at a fixed time.

That doesn't mean that you have to simply agree with your ex's proposals, but equally, it's not unreasonable to review and make changes to the arrangements if they are no longer working for everyone.

Have you asked why he is proposing this? It's possible that he has some specific plans in which case it might be possible to agree it as a one off.

It's also worth considering other options - maybe propose that she is with one of you from the evening of 23rd to mid-day of 26th, which would be long enough if he/you want to go away or to be able to make plans with extended family, but would mean that the time apart isn't quite so long.

Also think about things like facetime so that she does see whichever of you she isn't with, even if not physically.

I think if it goes to court a judge is likely to be sympathetic to a parent who says they don't want christmas day to be broken up, - christmas eve to boxing day with alternating years is a fairly common pattern, so I think you may do better to try to negotiate on a shorter period than 24-28, rather than trying to stop any change completely.

System

I agree with many of the posters...isn't it usual to want to change things little when kids are getting older? Won't be too long before they are old enough to decide where they want to go. We alternate between parents (and we're 35), so maybe give it a go - after all, it is still a completely fair split, and you get your child for an extended period next year. Why don't you try it for a trial 2-year period only?

Money_maker

Surely if it goes to court then it wont be heard until after Christmas anyway?

Ames

Just something to bear in mind - your daughter might be telling you and her dad what she thinks you each want to hear. It's possible that she's telling him that she wants to alternate Christmas each year. What she actually wants might even be a third option.

rach_k

I would suggest something that's a compromise, for example one of you has her from 21st to 25th then she goes to the other parent's from 26th to 30th, so one of you will miss Christmas day with her (and possibly New Year, depending how you normally split her time) but you'll have her for Boxing day.

I'm not sure whether he's suggesting that he has her this year (has he possibly booked something without thinking to check?), but I would insist that YOU have her this year if he wants to change current arrangements. I'd put in that you will reassess again after 4 years (or another even number so it's fair to you both), or that if you want to revert to the previous agreement you can do so by mutual agreement after 2 years.

I do understand how horrible it would be to have Christmas without your daughter but I can see why travelling around on Christmas day might seem a bit miserable too. I would probably just delay my Christmas day till my kids were with me - it's just a date after all, and it could be really nice for the child to have two Christmasses! I also understand that he might want to go away for a week over Christmas but that's the kind of thing he should have considered before. When we got a cat we gave up the idea of long holidays (she's weird); he can give up the idea of holidays over Christmas for a human child, at least until she's a bit older.

Kynthia

With the property, as you are not a joint owner tgen the only way you can receive a share is to prove you had a beneficial interest. Doing that requires taking it to court and proving you contributed to the mortgage (and possibly maintenance/improvements) and showing that you probably had an agreement or a likely understanding that you would be entitled to a share. If you owned it then i don't think the negative equity would be an issue if theres equity now as while you stopped paying the mortgage you had to pay to live elsewhere and he didn't pay you rent for living in yiur share of the property. However as you didn't own it then the beneficial interest, and requrequirement pay the mortgage, ended when you left so the value then is relevant.