How to support hubbys ex wife updated with the latest twist

RadoJo

Just a quick note from the point of view of a step child who has survived similar situations - be wary of telling her off for things her mother has reported to you that she has done whilst there. I can't tell from your post whether this is a situation which arises, but I can tell you from experience, nothing makes you feel less loved than getting in trouble with four separate parents for one incidence of misbehaviour.

If she is poorly behaved at her mother's house, then her mother has to deal with it. I completely understand your OH asking whether she has been good all week, but at the age of 7, to do something wrong on a Monday, be punished for it, and then on Saturday have it reported again and suffer again (even it is only the knowledge that it will be brought up again - having that hanging over you all week isn't nice) does make it feel as though you are suffering extra for the fact that your parents aren't together!

poppyscorner

RadoJo wrote: »

Just a quick note from the point of view of a step child who has survived similar situations - be wary of telling her off for things her mother has reported to you that she has done whilst there. I can't tell from your post whether this is a situation which arises, but I can tell you from experience, nothing makes you feel less loved than getting in trouble with four separate parents for one incidence of misbehaviour.

If she is poorly behaved at her mother's house, then her mother has to deal with it. I completely understand your OH asking whether she has been good all week, but at the age of 7, to do something wrong on a Monday, be punished for it, and then on Saturday have it reported again and suffer again (even it is only the knowledge that it will be brought up again - having that hanging over you all week isn't nice) does make it feel as though you are suffering extra for the fact that your parents aren't together!

Thanks for your input quite interesting to hear from a step childs point of view. Your point is very valid in our situation as what you have described does happen although she isnt told off about it mum has a word with my OH (especially about sleeping arrangements) in front of DD and tells him where she has slept (usually on the floor of mums room) and asks him to have a word with her however DD does not want dad to know about it and she doesnt get told off but it is talked about something which I dont think is very valid anyway because she sleeps in her own bed here and whatever he says to her makes no difference to the situation in any case because she still continues to sleep on the floor :rolleyes:

IMHO the only way he could have any control over what happens would be for him to be staying there but as you can imagine that is never going to happen:D :rotfl:

I just think he does it to try and make mum feel a bit more supported in the matter but it isnt working anyway. As far as my position is I never discuss it with her I like to stay neutral of course I discuss it with DH when she isnt around but me and her never discuss it and I like it that way we talk about stuff she does here we play games and do girly stuff together she talks about home with me but not the bad stuff.

Thanks again will talk about this with DH

poppyscorner

mummy_Jay wrote: »

Ok, I'm trying to look at this logically.

Mum is pregnant emotions everywhere add a small toddler running about, she's going to be tired and ratty.

That I can vouch for have two kids myself and 2nd pregnancy alot more tiring DS1 was still 3 so little and running around.
Her partner is young and still trying to learn how to be dad

Very true and we all have to learn somehow

The child has been allowed to sleep in her mothers bed til the age of 7 (did I get that right) and has just been told she can't, this in itself is going to be a big upheval to her after so long. I could see her playing up for that alone.

This seems to be a big issue for them yes thats right I think one of the things about it is they dont want her in the bed but the little one is still in there tucked up in the middle and I think that is why its all the more difficult because she is shoved on the floor and told off but sister can get in the middle of them and nothing is said about it personally I dont believe in kids being in mum and dads bed anyway and mine havent done it thats not to say I am right and they are wrong it is up to them what they do in our house but I would never have either in my bed.

Then mum keeps dumping her on her nan, rather than dealing with the issue.

Here's the problem you can't fix this, her mum is the only one that can!!!

That is so true

I don't actually think, changes in the custody arrangement from what I have read in this post are really your way forward right now, though when she turns 8 the court would let her chose, from what I understand. At the moment her mum can fix this, with a little support, if she spends more time on a permanent basis with you, it may do a lot damage to their relationship. How to get her mum to spend the time to do this, a whole other ball game, may be you can talk with the nan, see if she can help. Maybe if she babysat the toddler, then they could talk it through. and have a bit of quality time together.

TBH I think if she was asked she would choose to live with her mum hence the reluctancy to get her here the reason I think this is because when she is here for a weekend she gets anxious as to when she is going home and says she has missed mum. Whther she thinks she is missing something or what I dont know but I do believe she misses mum and loves her very much and if she got her way when in a strop and was removed to this house then we would become the naughty house and for what it is worth I agree that her and mums relationship would suffer however this is what happens now when she is sent to nans house and nan has the naughty house.
Nan will not babysit toddler she is recovering from cancer and hasnt got the strength however nan does have a lot of input and generally steers mum in the (sort of) right direction for example mum wanted nan to take DD to euro disney mum would never agree to us taking DD anywhere she is barred from our family holidays we have always asked to take her but mum always blocked it. Just before Xmas this year we are going to disney and asked as usual for her to come (without DD knowing first) initially answer was no nan said to mum that she should let her come with us because she didnt expect that she would ever be well enough to take her mum then said yes she could come with us. Nan would not talk to my DH she says she hates him because he left them etc etc and DD often comes to ours and says nan said this grandad said that about you to my OH so it is a no no really.

What you can do for this little girl is be there for her, listen to her and try and help her understand whats going on at home. I would love to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all happy again for you.

Ahh thanks I would love it if you could too not for me but for her I would love to see her happy and settled

You are doing the right thing by her and she knows she has stability with you and your partner that is going to be important, especially with another little due at her home. She will get through this.

I'm sorry I can't be much more help.

You were helpful any advice is helpful thank you