How to support hubbys ex wife updated with the latest twist

dee_mum_of_3

poppy i think your a fab stepmum and i think this phase will soon pass if you and your hubs continue to be the way you are ....i really admire the way you are dealing with this.

findingmyownway

aah the joy of raising other people's children!

i hear exactly where you are coming from, my OH has 3 daughters. they are normal, well behaved kids when they are with us but at their Mum's they are (apparently) rude and out of control. Their Mum sounds much like the XWife in your situation - no discipline, routine etc.

Take heart that you must be doing something right if she is well behaved when she is with you and her Nan - its clear she knows how to behave when she needs to - which bodes well for the future and school etc.

My situation came to a head last year when eldest (12yo) really began kicking off with her Mum, refusing to go to school etc. It turned out she was really suffering from the insecure environment her mum provides (always moving house, nothing ever tidy, no clean clothes for school, no food in the fridge for packed lunch, no personal space of her own, mum always arguing with gran/aunties etc). The constant arguments were affecting the 8yo and 10yo too. Our solution was to have them spend much more time at our house - it used to be just weekends but now 8&10yo spend 3 nights with us and 4 with their Mum. 12yo spends an extra night or 2 with us.

The kids are much much much happier - really settled down. Even when they are go to their Mum the calmness of our house seems to carry over and they are much better there too. They feel far more secure and loved. They now know that if they put PE kit in the wash basket i will make sure its clean for their next lesson, that if we say we will pick them up from XYZ then we'll be there (unlike mum who gets distracted watching TV and forgets:mad: ) etc etc.


Clearly, I have no idea how feasible having stepD with you more permanently is. But it really has worked for us - its hard work (especially as we both work full time and ExW sits on her ar*e doing nothing all day!!) but worth it for the happy 3 children we now have.


With your SD, the "nobody loves me" thing may well come from her feeling a bit insecure too. To the child, her mum sending her to stay with Nan becuase she won't stay in her own bed looks like a punishment - as if she is being sent away. Put that together with the fact that new baby IS allowed to sleep in mums bed then i can see where the feeling may come from.

Now, clearly at 7 years old she SHOULD be in her own bed, but i think there may be a better way of getting this to happen than to send her away. Its going to take time and effort from her mum though. The suggestions about talking to the Ex in front of the child are a good idea - it may help her see tha the adults know how different she is in each environment.#

But kids are kids - if she is allowed by Mum to get away with the behaviour (and if she feels misbehaving is the only way to get attention) then it will continue. If Mum says she must sleep in her own bed, but then changes her mind later then the kid is never going trust her Mum.

You sound like a very caring person, i really do understand your frustration from personal experience but there really isn't much you can do. For the behaviour at her mums to change, the mum has to change.

AnnieH

Just to let you know my DD (just turned 7) also does the "nobody loves me" routine. I just ignore it, and tell her I love her very much after she has calmed down. It's normal I think, as I remember doing it myself as a small child. It doesn't mean she feels unloved, just that she isn't getting her own way . My DD knows that she is very loved but she knows how to throw a tantrum!!

purplepatch

Wow, our situation is very similar to yours, except mine is a stepson. He's 9 now. His mum is remarried and they have a 5 year old daughter and me and his dad are married with 2 daughters of our own aged 4 and nearly 1. He stays at our house for the whole of every other weekend.

He is fine now, but a couple of years ago when he was a similar age to your SD he was doing exactly the stuff you mention. Good as gold at our house and evil at home. Bullying his sister at home, but angelic with our daughter. Unlike your DH's ex, my DH's ex is an absolute stickler for routine and is strict with him (so are we though, we have certain ground rules and he, like our own kids, knows to abide by them). The point I'm making is that he was by no means spoilt at our house, or treated any different, so it was really just bad behaviour aimed at his mum, my guess is because she was the closest one to him (isn't it always us mums that get the really horrid behaviour from our darling LOs?!)

He went through a phase of saying to her that nobody loved him and also a couple of times told her that he wished he was dead, which to us was so absolutely weird as he was always a very calm level headed boy around us, always seemed totally well adjusted.

Since then, he has returned to normal and is generally well behaved for his mum again now - I think he was jealous of his new half siblings and lashing out at the person closest to him. It must be difficult when you are the only offspring from a broken marriage and all these new kids come along from the new happy marriages and steal your thunder - as hard as parents try to treat them the same, I think they must be well aware that the new kids are biologically connected to both resident parents and probably have a perception that they are not loved in quite the same way.

I guess now that my SS has adjusted to it all as best he can and learned that life is much easier when you are pleasant. I expect it is much the same situation for your SD.

poppyscorner

So the next part to the story is the ex wife has now announced that she is expecting again.

After this post here hubby asked her what quality time she is spending with DSD and she was fuming she shouted asked if he was questionning her parenting skills blah blah blah.

That settled a bit and then Sunday just gone 9am there is a furious hammering on our front door DH on the loo so I answer it to find stepfather standing there wheres X (OH) I say busy why ?
him: we need him urgently
me:why?
him: that kid is possessed
me: what has happened ?
him: she told her mother to shut up
me stunned silence

DH comes downstairs and says he will go with him he is gone about 20mins and on his return the story is he gets there DD is crying in fact sobbing so hard she is struggling to breathe has a suitcase half packed and says she wants to live here her mum doesnt love her and stepfather hates her (her words) DH sits her on his knee hugs her and gets her breathing properly tells her her mum loves her very much and so does stepfather.
What led to this was DSD little sister has gone into her room saturday night and emptied loads of beads on the floor. In the morning mum and stepfather tell her she has to clean the room before they will give her her breakfast despite her protests they will not budge and it turns into a row with stepfather following her with a mobile trying to video her in her tantrum.

Stepdaughter not happy about it at all DH helps her pick the beads up asks if he can take her for the day ex says no she doesnt think it will help so hubby leaves he is really upset about it and I feel like a lemon not really knowing what to do or where to turn.

My personal thoughts are that they are bang out of order not for calling my hubby in but for what has led up to it however as a third party it doesn't matter what I think anyway I feel I dont know what to say to hubby stepdaughter is not a bad kid I'm not saying an angel but not bad either.

There is also still the ongoing issue that DSD does not sleep in her bed whilst at home and is now not sleeping in mums bed either but sleeping on the floor in mums room waking up sore and cold which I am sure isnt helping.

Everyone seems to have an opinion ex thinks hubby is criticising her MIL thinks hubby should fight ex for custody but is that in DSD's best interests or is it going to make things worse ?

So so confused

Thanks for listening

misty

Why call your husband if they then don't want him to take her for the day? Is it practical for you to have her to stay more often - she may be happier, the mother can focus more on her if she is visiting rather than living with them. To be honest the step father sounds a bit of a prat - does he not have much experience with kids - filming a child having a tantrum on a mobile is likely to inflame the situation more.

It sounds like the little girl has had the biggest changes to deal with in terms of the blended family - your children live with you both - her sisiter lives with them and she goes between the two - possibly feeling she belongs to neither - when she is in fact doubly loved.

if it's not possible for her to stay with you more - then all you can do is spend the time you do have together making her feel "spoilt" not in terms of money but in terms of time.

for what it's worth - you sound like a brilliant step mum

poppyscorner

misty wrote: »

Why call your husband if they then don't want him to take her for the day? Is it practical for you to have her to stay more often - she may be happier, the mother can focus more on her if she is visiting rather than living with them. To be honest the step father sounds a bit of a prat - does he not have much experience with kids - filming a child having a tantrum on a mobile is likely to inflame the situation more.

It sounds like the little girl has had the biggest changes to deal with in terms of the blended family - your children live with you both - her sisiter lives with them and she goes between the two - possibly feeling she belongs to neither - when she is in fact doubly loved.

if it's not possible for her to stay with you more - then all you can do is spend the time you do have together making her feel "spoilt" not in terms of money but in terms of time.

for what it's worth - you sound like a brilliant step mum

Thanks for the reply misty

Hubby did suggest she come and stay with us for a while but mum said no she is worried she wont want to go back (wonder why?)

We have always tried to make time here happy we dont argue and fight not saying we have a perfect marriage or anything we just have little to fight about her time her is relatively peaceful she plays happily with her brother (DS1) they occasionally bicker over toys put hey what kids dont.

We go out with the dog and walk in the woods especially good at the minute with all the leaves simple things like that she very occasionally has time just her and dad but mostly just joins in usual family activities not spoilt rotten getting away with all kinds tbh if they have messed their bedrooms and we ask them to tidy up she will do so without question as will ds 1 she just seems altogether more settled but if we want her here we will need a court order the trouble is working out what is best for her step father is 22 and has no parental experience until the birth of his daughter.

pavlovs_dog

it certainly seems that some time with you or her nan will do DSD, her mum and SF a great deal of good. perhaps as the most 'neutral' party, nan might be best?

the one thing that is certain is that this is liekly to get worse before it gets better, and the longer the situation drags on the worse it is likely to be. would a whole family meeting to sort out a plan of action be feasable?

*hugs* and good luck, however you proceed.

findingmyownway

The poor kid, it sounds like she's had a tough time. And its not going to get better with new baby and stepfather to deal with.

I agree she needs some 1-on-1 time with an adult. If her mum isn't up to the job then it really falls to you or your OH. You need to build her trust, make her realise she is loved unconditionally and you are always on the end of the phone line etc even if she can't see you every day.

I can understand why her mum is reluctant to let her stay with you for a short while because sending her back would then be more unsettling. But how about having a joint custody arrangment? eg sun-weds and weds-sun?? It would give both families a chance to bond with the girl.

mummy_Jay

Ok, I'm trying to look at this logically.

Mum is pregnant emotions everywhere add a small toddler running about, she's going to be tired and ratty.
Her partner is young and still trying to learn how to be dad

The child has been allowed to sleep in her mothers bed til the age of 7 (did I get that right) and has just been told she can't, this in itself is going to be a big upheval to her after so long. I could see her playing up for that alone.

Then mum keeps dumping her on her nan, rather than dealing with the issue.

Here's the problem you can't fix this, her mum is the only one that can!!!

I don't actually think, changes in the custody arrangement from what I have read in this post are really your way forward right now, though when she turns 8 the court would let her chose, from what I understand. At the moment her mum can fix this, with a little support, if she spends more time on a permanent basis with you, it may do a lot damage to their relationship. How to get her mum to spend the time to do this, a whole other ball game, may be you can talk with the nan, see if she can help. Maybe if she babysat the toddler, then they could talk it through. and have a bit of quality time together.

What you can do for this little girl is be there for her, listen to her and try and help her understand whats going on at home. I would love to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all happy again for you.

You are doing the right thing by her and she knows she has stability with you and your partner that is going to be important, especially with another little due at her home. She will get through this.

I'm sorry I can't be much more help.