Tips - Getting a handle on things

Elinore

Long story short for my bad week:

Work - Sudden announcement that though our team is hugely successful and our work stats are unrivaled (because we really really enjoy working together - my team are awesome love them all) we are to be broken up across different sites and moved as part of a big reshuffle. All but me resigned.

Home - Some big emergencies have eaten into our savings and a sudden drop in overtime means money is unbelievably tight (even with a DFW review - we are MSE'd to the max and just meeting everything by the skin of our teeth) Mse is normally fun, but after being in this situation for several months - it's becoming a demoralising slog to squeeze every last penny till it squeaks

Family - My lovely SIL was diagnosed with a aggressive cancer. I cant say anymore than this - its terrible

Social - visiting an elderly vulnerable person as part of a volunteering program i heard the most terrible screaming and unbelievably violent verbal abuse of a small child from the flat across the hall. The elderly resident didn't want me to intervene as i was 'only visiting and she had to live there' It !!!!in broke my heart. The old lady was very very adamant i was to do or say nothing as it would put her in harms way - not even anonymously. She said the police and social had been before as this was 'normal' nothing had been done so all i would do would get her flat set on fire again. I felt like the worst human alive - that poor poor child. Escalated to the volunteer manager who categorically told me i was to do as the resident wished as the authorities had already been involved - she was our concern and our obligation/duty was to her. My heart, oh, there are no words - i am finding this one the hardest to deal with.

So that's my week of woe.

My mental health is good - i am normally a very upbeat person but this week (bearing in mind its only wednesday morning) has been a corker.

Whats you top tips for getting a grip. What do you do to break things down to get a handle on them? what little things do you do to help when the world just a little bit pants?

Let me know

Artytarty

What a really horrible time you're having.
I look forward to reading any tips because I let things overwhelm me.
I woke gasping for air because I was so tense in my sleep last night.

About your concerns for the little girl. Sometimes you have to go against advice and just do what you know is the right thing.
For the sake of your conscience and more so for the sake of the child.
I had a neighbour who was a teacher many many years ago and she still spoke about the little girl in her class who smelled of urine (and other problems) and may have been abused at home. This was in the sixties and she was still thinking about in forty years later.

A toughie but in your heart you know the answer.

hazyjo

I had a year like that a few years back. (Got married, moved house, Dad died, FIL died, family friend's son overdosed and nearly died, cat died, friend died, got divorced, sold/moved house again, bipolar BF with cocaine issues, and LOADS of other things. I literally had a list as I had friends going through very rough patches too and just couldn't remember everything!

It was terrible. The only thing that kept me off antidepressants was the fact I absolutely had to get out of the area and house I was living in for my sanity and didn't want to risk anything affecting the mortgage application or being signed off work when applying!

It's just so hard to give advice. You just have to realise it's not personal, it will pass (although sometimes you have to go through loads more grief and loss to get to the end), and there will always be good times ahead. Cliched really, but there's nothing else (other than wine or vodka!).

Hope there's light at the end of the tunnel soon (and it's not an oncoming train!).

Agree with Artytarty - as hard as it is, go with your heart and if you want to tell a white lie saying it wasn't you who reported it, go ahead.

Jx

Red-Squirrel_2

I think you should have reported the abuse of the child but at the same time reported the terror of the elderly person and the fact that they had their flat set on fire.

Both those victims are vulnerable, but one is being protected and one isn't.

BorisThomson

Work - Sudden announcement that though our team is hugely successful and our work stats are unrivaled (because we really really enjoy working together - my team are awesome love them all) we are to be broken up across different sites and moved as part of a big reshuffle. All but me resigned.

No advice but wanted to say well done, this showed real strength. Change is difficult, but flouncing and resigning gets you nowhere but the Jobcentre. Sticking it out shows a mature and level headed attitude, you might not like it, but longer term it's the far more sensible option. You can still seek work elsewhere, or maybe this will open up different opportunities in your current job. Good luck with it either way.

BorisThomson

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

I think you should have reported the abuse of the child but at the same time reported the terror of the elderly person and the fact that they had their flat set on fire.

Both those victims are vulnerable, but one is being protected and one isn't.

I wholeheartedly agree, but I'd take it one step further and be reporting the volunteer manager to their management. This comes under safeguarding and the manager's response is disgraceful, for the position that it leaves both Elinore and the two vulnerable people in.

Abuse goes unchecked for so long because of the power the abuser exerts over others, the direct victim but also those that try to help and are threatened to the extent that they step away. It's heartbreaking, but the only way it will change is if we take a stand against it.

Elinore, there is another way that you could indirectly report this. If you were to visit your GP or seek counselling for the effect this has had on yourself, and then recount the information to them, they have a duty to report it. Safeguarding issues fall outside of the normal patient confidentiality rules, they will still support you but they must also act to protect the other parties. I've done this before when I tried to report abuse to SS and went round in circles.

Even if you choose not to speak up, you should still seek support from your GP. We all need help sometimes, it's when you don't get it that your mental health will start to suffer.

pearl123

The situation with the child and elderly parent sounds so severe.
Try and report it. If you don't, who will if everyone is too frightened?

Turning a blind eye seems like the easiest solution but it might haunt you for years to come.
If you really feel you can't report it then don't beat yourself up. It just one of those sad things in life.

trailingspouse

Well done for noticing that you are feeling overwhelmed before it brings you down completely.

The first thing you need to do is decide which of these horrendous things you can actually do anything about.

Work - well, it's sad, but it's happened now. Nothing you can do to turn the clock back. You sound like the sort of person who would fit in well in any team. Onwards and upwards. Stay in touch with your old team, and start getting to know the new one.

Home - you are doing all you can. You can do no more. It's a slog, but you're doing it. Is there any chance of overtime/promotion in the new reshuffled work situation?

Family - you can sympathise, and you can give practical help, but you can't make her better.

Social - feeling you 'ought' to do something, and actually being able to do something are two different things. Ideally you want the little girl to be helped and the old lady to be protected. Is it actually possible to do both? I know she's asked you not to, but unless the perpetrators are aware of your visits it's hard to see how they could link it to her if you reported it to the authorities. It's a horrible situation - but you can't solve everyone's problems.

And finally - don't beat yourself up about not being upbeat, just for a little while. You'll bounce back.

JayJay100

Elinore wrote: »

Long story short for my bad week:

Work - Sudden announcement that though our team is hugely successful and our work stats are unrivaled (because we really really enjoy working together - my team are awesome love them all) we are to be broken up across different sites and moved as part of a big reshuffle. All but me resigned.

Home - Some big emergencies have eaten into our savings and a sudden drop in overtime means money is unbelievably tight (even with a DFW review - we are MSE'd to the max and just meeting everything by the skin of our teeth) Mse is normally fun, but after being in this situation for several months - it's becoming a demoralising slog to squeeze every last penny till it squeaks

Family - My lovely SIL was diagnosed with a aggressive cancer. I cant say anymore than this - its terrible

Social - visiting an elderly vulnerable person as part of a volunteering program i heard the most terrible screaming and unbelievably violent verbal abuse of a small child from the flat across the hall. The elderly resident didn't want me to intervene as i was 'only visiting and she had to live there' It !!!!in broke my heart. The old lady was very very adamant i was to do or say nothing as it would put her in harms way - not even anonymously. She said the police and social had been before as this was 'normal' nothing had been done so all i would do would get her flat set on fire again. I felt like the worst human alive - that poor poor child. Escalated to the volunteer manager who categorically told me i was to do as the resident wished as the authorities had already been involved - she was our concern and our obligation/duty was to her. My heart, oh, there are no words - i am finding this one the hardest to deal with.

So that's my week of woe.

My mental health is good - i am normally a very upbeat person but this week (bearing in mind its only wednesday morning) has been a corker.

Whats you top tips for getting a grip. What do you do to break things down to get a handle on them? what little things do you do to help when the world just a little bit pants?

Let me know

You're part way there: you're already breaking things down into individual components, which is a brilliant start.

Work - been in exactly that situation, and it's horrible, but you can take a lot from it; you know you can work as part of an excellent team, and it can happen again. Yes, it will be different, but it doesn't mean that it can't be just as good in other ways. Plus your former team could well be friends for life. The biggie here is that you still have a job, and you still have money coming in. I get the feeling that you're adaptable, and will make this work.

Home - successful again; you're managing the situation, and not ignoring it, which many would do. OK, it's not as you want it to be, but you're keeping your head above water, and there's a lot to be said for that. This situation will not be for ever.

Family - that is terrible, and all you can do is be as supportive and as positive as you can. Just be there for her.

Social - have you got any friends who would blow the whistle for you? That way. technically, it wasn't you, and you can look anyone in the eye, and say it wasn't you. I can't see this one sitting easily with you, if you don't at least try to do something.

I think you need to be kind to yourself, and recognise how well you are doing. There's a lot there to be proud of! Yes, there will be low moments, and frustrating ones too, and that's ok; just acknowledge them, give them a bit of time and then move on to the positives. You can do this!

Good luck!

toniq

Please report that child abuse, don't let it go, there must be ways for the elderly lady to be protected too.

x

Elinore

Thank you for all your lovely replies. Sorry for the delay in coming back to you all. OH is doing OT and I have a second job at the mo, so downtime is rare!

Humour helps I found. A friend of mine who was a hairdresser many years ago popped by to say hi. She was aghast at the state of my roots so decided on the spot she would fix it. She didn’t….. She just fried my hair and turned me very very ginger. She left muttering that my hair was weird. So now I need to find the pennies for a re-dye and a haircut as the ends are shocking! But for hilarity value, its great. I have been laughing with people all day yesterday.

I have also managed to free up some time after the old lady complained that my very obvious desire to ‘do something’ stressed her out – she has asked that I not return as she really didn’t like me or my attitude as I was distracted and didn’t give her my full attention. It’s the only contact she has in a week so was upset.

As I was visiting as ‘cover’ for another volunteer i was happy to step back – to be fair we didn’t hit it off anyway even before the noise from the flat next door. We pop in for company and a natter and just to see everything is ok – No word of a lie - this lady met me at the door with a list of jobs and pair of rubber gloves. My normal ladies, I am happy to help out - a number I do chores for, light cleaning, shopping or a run to the city centre - but it’s not a given and it’s categorically not what we are there for.

I was put on a warning by the volunteer manager – being that things are so stressful at the mo and time is precious - I have told her I suspending my volunteering, not as retaliation but as realisation that things are getting to much . Which lifted a great weight off me because I realised I can wait a short time and file an anonymous report. Whereas I expected to be sad because I have done this role for years and love my ladies but sometimes you have to take a step back.

Stress has mounted over the week as some people from my team have just not come back in. It’s sad. Very sad. We have worked together fabulously for years. I have never laughed so much in my life and it was a joy to go to work every day for what was essentially a menial office role. To add to the mix our two senior manager have handed in notice too. So suddenly I am the lone team member after notice periods. The bosses seem to be taking this really casually. I’m good, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t do the work of five and two managers.

For everyone that were after tips – I have discovered a local pool and if I go very late at night a hour or so before closing- it’s dark, solitary and peaceful. Just gently swimming in a pool on my own and being weightless has made me feel massively better (it’s also MSE as I go non peak and with a deal it cost me nothing) its great for helping me sleep too.

I have also learned to walk away from my desk– take a breath. Stretch my legs.

I also have an interview – that’s always good for boosting morale

(ps - SIL is doing well - but family have swooped in after the announcement and are causing drama. My MIL has decided she's going to move in while everything going on, much to the horror of my SIL, and the MIL is being such a noisy martyr people are forgetting the reason why shes there)