Paying off debt to freedom

camz2017

Started my debt free diary, 31k in the red. The way I see it, the sooner I can become debt free the sooner I can live my life.

I am starting this diary as I have always kept my debt to myself, and I split with the girl I am seeing today... I think all of my debt and worries have meant I just ignored her, I feel bad I have literally said almost zero to her for the past 3 or 4 weeks, blanking her messages just thinking of my own mess. I was unsure how to tell her what is going on so I got kinda messy and couldn't explain myself and she naturally assumed I was hiding something and jumped to I have cheated...

Had a huge argument where she told me I encourage women to throw themselves at me and I am a psychopath, I'm a sociopath, and a horrible human being with no conscience guilt, can't remember what else, but basically told me I'm a horrible human being. I mean I can be an !!! at times, and I am quite nasty if I'm moody, but I do really care about those around me I feel sad my debt has caused this for me, as I'd have been fine otherwise. Amazing eh how debt can impact so much.

Anyway, felt like time to get my stuff together, get a diary going and vent out a little bit.

I imported all my spending for the past 4 months into YNAB, and it was frankly disgusting how I spent over £80 a month on fast food alone! So bad for my budget, and also my health! Likewise I spent £109 on average per month dining out!!! I have done a budget for next month, where I have said no fast food, and halved my dining out (with a view to phase out). I just think I am best to tackle one problem area per month, whilst keeping myself on budget and not going over into more debt. If I go crazy all at once, I know me, I will break everything and go wild.

zippygeorgeandben

Good luck with it all

camz2017

Have subbed to your thread zippy!

timetobefrugal

Just wanted to pop in and say good luck!

Can relate to pushing people away because you're consumed by your debt, it will get better!

Cherryjack

Im joining please tell your lady... i felt so sad reading this as 1. she will think its her and 2. you are low...

send her a text/ call her.. as women we always jump to the cheating line ( she really wont have any idea why you have finished it)

Good luck!! you could be Mr & Mrs Frugal (give her a chance)

camz2017

Yeah you’re right she’s definitely blaming herself. I’m just a real hard shell I find it almost impossible to make myself even slightly vulnerable and telling her about this makes me feel vulnerable.

I will call her anyway when I get my head together, she’s genuinely too good for me, like I’ve always been the one not that keen, letting her down, being a general douche. I will make it up to her somehow even if we don’t get back together. I just need to apologise for the last few weeks I’ve been out of line and I feel really guilty.

I sometimes think my life mess is God’s way of punishing me for my past, another thing to be ashamed of I guess, in school I was brutal, I like to think I wasn’t a bully but deep down I’m sure I was. I made a girl I was dating cry when I dumped her the day after her dad died of cancer. I remember smiling at her as she broke down on webcam, like man I feel awful for it now, makes my heart hurt to think what I did. I was such a horrible person. I made a girl with cerebral palsy cry as I got chatty with her and she really trusted me then I spread personal things around school. I feel like a horrible human being writing this down.

Then in uni I used to purposefully play with women’s emotions, it was like a game to me. I had a lot of stuff going on... I do feel like my bad times now is what I deserve. Don’t ask me why I’ve been like that, as I’ve grown up I’ve developed such a big heart like I could never do the things I used to. I’d struggle to sleep nowadays lol.

I just want to get through this struggle as quickly as possible and come out the other end being true to myself, and most importantly a genuinely good person. For me it’s been eye opening to grow older and see the changes in myself, for one I’m definitely happier nowadays. I also really bend over backwards nowadays for other people.

I had a messy childhood in that my parents always argued about debts and I had social services who removed my sister from the home, so I don’t think all of that helped. I moved down to London to study in 2010 and haven’t looked back.

Anyway here I am. Topped up my monzo this morning to control my spending, had it in a draw for months. :o

Cherryjack

Its so amazing you are able to think about what you have done and want to change and be a better person.

Please watch the Magic (Youtube) Law of attraction- will change your life.

The main thing is your moving forward..up..and you have a whole life ahead of you to change things.

Venerable you might be telling her...but you can go to bed each night with a clean conscience which is invaluable. Think about donating some items / clothing to a charity...maybe something to do with cerebral palsy .

Good luck

camz2017

ts so amazing you are able to think about what you have done and want to change and be a better person.

No way will I be that guy I used to be, I try to treat everybody right nowadays.

Please watch the Magic (Youtube) Law of attraction- will change your life.

Damn I can't find it!?

The main thing is your moving forward..up..and you have a whole life ahead of you to change things.

Thanks a lot, that is very true, the plan is to be debt free before I am 30, totally do-able.

Venerable you might be telling her...but you can go to bed each night with a clean conscience which is invaluable.

I agree, I just don't feel I can have this conversation with her given how she has been these last few days, plus I have only been with her for 6 months... I am not great at keeping relationships, I date the wrong kind of girls who initially pretend they're cool with just sleeping around, get attached, I feel obliged to say I care and ultimately we don't work out. I don't think I want anything long-term right now until my head figured out.

Think about donating some items / clothing to a charity...maybe something to do with cerebral palsy .

Love this idea. I will donate a few bits, it will make me feel so much better inside, as deep deep down I do feel like I can be a really nasty horrible natured person. It will hopefully make me feel like a better person.:)

timetobefrugal

From a woman's perspective, I would say you need to suck it up and have the conversation with her, the sooner the better before more damage is done. If it's already in her head you've cheated those thoughts are going to keep whirring around and escalating in her mind.

With regards to feeling like you can be a nasty horrible natured person, don't let the past shape what you are made of, I'm sure you have a heart of gold really. We tend to be bully-ish and standoffish to protect ourselves because we are the most fragile, I'm sure there are small steps you can make towards working on that within yourself, I know I try!

All the best

camz2017

From a woman's perspective, I would say you need to suck it up and have the conversation with her, the sooner the better before more damage is done. If it's already in her head you've cheated those thoughts are going to keep whirring around and escalating in her mind.

I totally get this... I've basically resigned to just letting things die out with her. Maybe I'm a bad person for doing this, but I do not trust her enough at all.

With regards to feeling like you can be a nasty horrible natured person, don't let the past shape what you are made of, I'm sure you have a heart of gold really.

Awww thanks that made me smile haha, I will work on it

Anyway, on the budgetting aspect, so far been good Kept on budget! Did treat myself to some 99p ice cream lol. Laying in my bed munching away, doing a bit of work, feeling quite happy today... I have a lot of be happy and grateful for, I can be a scrooge and still happy :)

ps good luck on the debt busting!!

camz2017

Planned a chat with the girlfriend (possibly-ex) later, she can buy her own coffee!!! Lets see how things go.