Possessiveness??

peterc2609

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

mummy_Jay

STOP IT!!!!!!

If you are as controlling as you sound have you thought about the damage you are doing to her self esteem?

You say you trust her but if you did you wouldn't panic about her doing things on her own, you would be able to trust her and so relax and do stuff you want to do.

If you love her you also would support her career choices and not try to tell her how to live her life.

As much as its nice to do things together you have to have time to be yourselves, yes that means you too.

You are treating her as property, she is not a car!

I think this poor girls self esteem has already taken a battering, otherwise she would have already left you!

As for advise you need to start encouraging her to spend time with her friends, show her you actually do trust her. Tell her that you will support her career choices as they are her to make. Go and spend some time with your mates not at home in front of the TV, you need to have a life too. If you spend time appart it will make the time you spend together better, you will appreaciate each other more and have stuff to talk about.

Sorry of this sounds like a battering but what you say your doing is abuse and it must stop.

Jet

First of all, well done for coming on here and sharing this - it's the first step to changing.

She wants to better herself. Does that intimidate you, I wonder? I think perhaps you need to look at your own life and make changes that make you happy.

Otherwise, i think it is very likely that you will lose her.

lindens

I'm not surprised she's not talking to you, you're lucky thats all shes done.

I think she sounds like someone to be PROUD of, she has aspirations for herself of a worthwhile career, she wants to better herself. She talked to you about it as shes excited about it and wants your opinion, and all you can do is pour cold water on it and think of how it will affect you. She's in a job she doesnt like and wants to do something about it.
You have already stated you are in a boring job and yet you do nothing about it.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to wake up quickly before you lose her. Get yourself a hobby or interest, throw yourself into getting a job thats not boring, support her with her career prospects (eve if you dont agree with them, its her choice not yours). You sound stuck in a rut and want her to be stuck in it with you.Is that fair?

BlondeHeadOn

It sounds to me like your self esteem is at a low point as well:

"I think its started since I moved out into my own place and really dont see much of my family or old friends any more. I have thrown everything into my relationship"

"Maybe this is because I have quite a boring job,"

"Recently though I just feel like an old man... the way I'm acting etc."

I think it's good at least that you can identify where the problem may be coming from, and you are not immediately blaming your GF for your feelings. I think you need to show your GF this post (or write down the main points and let her read them), and talk about why you are feeling possessive and what you can do to improve your situation - with the emphasis on improving your own situation, not stopping your girlfriend from doing things.

Your post reads like you are in a rut and bored/unhappy, while your GF is getting on with her life and enjoying facing new challenges. I think you need some chalenges of your own!

Some things you might want to consider:

Look for a new job? One that is more interesting/demanding/what you want to do.
Sign up for some training or vocational courses,
Join a local club/evening class/group that involves one of your interests or hobbies
Organise some social events with old friends/family/new friends
Get some counselling about your self esteem issues

What would your ideal life be like? What job would you be doing, what would your relationship be like, what sort of social life would you have, how would it be different from how you are now? If you try thinking about this and writing your thoughts down, you might find it very useful!

I think you sound like a caring, sensitive guy and all credit to you that you are not just blaming your GF for all your problems and feelings - and believe me, I have known a lot of blokes who would! Just asking the questions you have in your post indicates that you are already half way there to a solution.

I wish you the very best of luck

Bykerlass

Well done for discussing this as it is not always easy to recognise ones failings.

Please get some help.

I was on the receiving end of this type of control and believe me it is so hard to deal with. In the end you lose all self respect and self esteem. It started slowly but gradually built up until I had no life of my own to speak of.
In the end I managed to walk away but it was the hardest thing I have ever done and the scars have never left me. It is now 21 years since I ended it but it still stirs up the same feelings when I talk about it in detail. Please Please Please if you love this girl get some help for your problem as that is what it is, Your problem or you will lose her.

peterc2609

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

lindens

peterc2609 wrote: »

The Mates I used to have, only seem to go out drinking now... I used to drink a lot (every night) but now rarely have a drink. I really don't want to go back to what I was. The people I work with are a lot older than me... and have their own families etc, so cannot really do things with them of an evening etc.

Fair enough, it sounds like you have grown up and your mates haven't! So i think you need to find new ones, easier said than done I know.
I agree with one of the other posters, sign up for a club or a hobby or a new skill, courses, classes whatever. Then you will find new mates as you have something in common. That way, slowly you wont need to hold on to her so tight, you will have a more 3 dimentional life. And she will thank you for it. You dont want her to end up feeling like Bykerlass do you?
You have your own place now, so relish it. Walk around naked, play the music loud, sing out loud, have ice cream for brekkie ( or are they girlie things lol).
You sound like a good bloke, many blokes wouldnt have recognised they had a problem let alone do something about it.

Scarlett1

Peter I think you should go and see your GP and ask him to refer you to some kind of self help group, your girlfriend was 17 then when you got together and is now 21 so the more you suffocate her the more you push her into missing out on living her life with her friends, you should feel feel proud that she wants to become a Police Office, she obviously has ambition and eventually she wont let anyone hold her back.

Scarlett1

peterc2609 wrote: »

The Mates I used to have, only seem to go out drinking now

Thats not a problem, you could go out once a week and that way you got to see your mates and your gf gets to go out herself and spend time with her's, you dont have to get drunk you could always just have a couple and enjoy the company.

pinkshoes

Do you feel that if she changes career and joins the police (male dominated!!) that she's going to meet someone new and exciting and then leave you?

You sound just like my OH (but worse) and are probably suffering from low self esteem. My OH would drive me nuts wanting exact details every time i went out without him (who i taked to, what about, which shops i went to, if i saw anyone else i knew etc...). SUCH a turn off!

You need to make your life more exciting, and have a life outside your job and your girlfriend. Go join a sports club and meet new people, take up rock climbing, join a pub quiz team, become a volunteer! You'll soon feel MUCH better and stop worrying so much.

Be careful with the controlling behaviour as this could end up driving her away.