Struggling to break away from my ex

WickedWitch123

Guest101 wrote: »

Apologies I wasn't clear, it's not. But I just meant that the feelings of resentment may stem from the fact that raising children on your own is hard, so you may feel he has it easy (whether factually accurate or not is often not relevant)


Life is hard, and sometimes made harder by our own mistakes or the actions of others, but no-one said (or they shouldn't have done!) that it would be easy.


The more you concentrate your energy on him the more you will realise one day that you are old and your life has been wasted. That realisation may not come for 20 years, but is that what you want?


Two rules:
Do the things you HAVE to do
Do the things that make you HAPPY


Everything else, don't do it.


You have to work, or tidy, or cook, or whatever. But you don't have to even think about what he has or doesn't have, what he pays or doesn't pay.

That's really good advice thank you. Its down to me at the end of the day. It's my decision to feel this way and only I can change it.

SunnyCyprus

I used to hold so much bitterness against the ex. He now pays £15 a week decided by csa according to what he says he earns. This is for 2 children. He has not in 5 and a half years paid for anything on top of that. Shoes, school trips, etc.. nothing. I asked, and there was nothing but fighting. It sucks. It absolutely sucks.

The only thing that helped me is reminding myself that although the kids think the sun shines out of his a hole, and they feel sorry for him because he can't afford to buy them dinner, (after I got csa involved he stopped giving them their tea on his night because he couldn't afford it as I had "bled him dry"), I have done everything for my kids. One day, when they are much older they will look back and see what he did. Or didn't do.
There is nothing on this earth that will change him. He is selfish through to his core, and that is all.
The only thing I can change are my thoughts. Instead of asking him for half towards this that and the other, I stopped asking. It stops the arguments. And it does stop my bitterness. It really does.

All I did was stop asking him for things and got on with providing for the kids myself. What he does is entirely up to him.

Savvy_Sue

You've done really well, but if telling yourself you've done really well hasn't helped you FEEL you've done really well, maybe it's time to see if you can access some counselling?

badmemory

I hope you find your "freedom" moment soon. I had had a minor one and then I had a second one that triggered my freedom moment. When we were married I had been told off (yes I do mean that) for calling a TV repair man without asking him - this wasn't about money. 3 years after the divorce my video broke & my heart sank as I thought about having to ask to get it fixed. Suddenly the sun shone through & I realised that I could just pick it up & take it to be repaired.

Of course, he still paid maintenance by cheque despite the legal agreement that he would pay me by SO, but I guess he liked the thought of me sitting there waiting for the post. Some exs do like to maintain control even though they have moved on.

Have you thought about whether your ex is doing something like mine just to maintain control. How is he paying your maintenance? If he is doing it by manual transfer or by cheque this could be one of the reasons you are finding it difficult to break away.

mark5

£125x2 (your half/his half) +£80 child benefit = £330 plus possible child tax credits, does your 9 year old cost you that much more each month?

WickedWitch123

SunnyCyprus wrote: »

I used to hold so much bitterness against the ex. He now pays £15 a week decided by csa according to what he says he earns. This is for 2 children. He has not in 5 and a half years paid for anything on top of that. Shoes, school trips, etc.. nothing. I asked, and there was nothing but fighting. It sucks. It absolutely sucks.

The only thing that helped me is reminding myself that although the kids think the sun shines out of his a hole, and they feel sorry for him because he can't afford to buy them dinner, (after I got csa involved he stopped giving them their tea on his night because he couldn't afford it as I had "bled him dry"), I have done everything for my kids. One day, when they are much older they will look back and see what he did. Or didn't do.
There is nothing on this earth that will change him. He is selfish through to his core, and that is all.
The only thing I can change are my thoughts. Instead of asking him for half towards this that and the other, I stopped asking. It stops the arguments. And it does stop my bitterness. It really does.

All I did was stop asking him for things and got on with providing for the kids myself. What he does is entirely up to him.

God it sounds like we were married to the same A hole!!

This is exactly what i'm going to have to do. Its the only way. This is going to mean not asking him for ANYTHING. No help in the school holidays, no help if i'm late home from work/stuck in traffic etc. I've been thinking these things are ok to ask as she's his daughter too but it just keeps that link that I really need to break.

WickedWitch123

mark5 wrote: »

£125x2 (your half/his half) +£80 child benefit = £330 plus possible child tax credits, does your 9 year old cost you that much more each month?

Sorry I don't understand your point and why £125 is my half? This isn't really about money to be honest.

WickedWitch123

badmemory wrote: »

I hope you find your "freedom" moment soon. I had had a minor one and then I had a second one that triggered my freedom moment. When we were married I had been told off (yes I do mean that) for calling a TV repair man without asking him - this wasn't about money. 3 years after the divorce my video broke & my heart sank as I thought about having to ask to get it fixed. Suddenly the sun shone through & I realised that I could just pick it up & take it to be repaired.

Of course, he still paid maintenance by cheque despite the legal agreement that he would pay me by SO, but I guess he liked the thought of me sitting there waiting for the post. Some exs do like to maintain control even though they have moved on.

Have you thought about whether your ex is doing something like mine just to maintain control. How is he paying your maintenance? If he is doing it by manual transfer or by cheque this could be one of the reasons you are finding it difficult to break away.

There is so much more going on and yes some power struggles but I guess what i'm trying to do is pull away from that and just concentrate on being the best mum I can. Whatever comes of the rest is out of my control. I just don't want to ruin my daughter's life with my bitterness.

WickedWitch123

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

You've done really well, but if telling yourself you've done really well hasn't helped you FEEL you've done really well, maybe it's time to see if you can access some counselling?

I can see that I've done well (I've done a Masters degree in the last 5 years and set up my own consultancy business), but yes like you say I don't feel it at all. Counselling is a good idea too.

SunnyCyprus

WW, it is hard, but try thinking that every time you ask him for something, you give him POWER.
Power to say "yes I can look after dd". Power to say "No, I can't have her"

You are in charge of your life, not him. Xx