My husband wants to leave me if I don’t have more children

maman

I can't add anything to whether or not you should have another child. Lots of wise posts already.


I agree that it would be very wrong to have another child to provide a carer, and I realise OP that you didn't really mean it that way. I just wanted to put the other side of that same coin. I have a nephew with severe hearing impairment. From the day that he was born his older sister (2 years older) has had to play second fiddle. I realise that OP's son has a much more serious disability but the principle is the same. It's hard for a child seeing a sibling getting so much (albeit needed) extra time and attention.


On another issue, I wouldn't refuse DH's offer of help totally out of hand. Extra help doesn't have to be as expensive as a nanny. Even a cleaner or someone to do ironing can lighten the load.

troubleinparadise

Whilst I don't advocate deception, I have seen it work in a marriage on a similar matter..

A friend had had bad times in her three pregnancies, having to spend months in hospital due to high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia, and one of her babies was born at 26 weeks, but fortunately survived after months in special care.

Approaching 40, her husband started hankering after "just one more baby" - not really having got particularly involved in the previous pregnancies nor young baby time, and she certainly didn't want to go through all that again. But rather than have a marriage threatening showdown and refusal, she just agreed to try for one more. I don't know the details, but somehow it just never worked, so they just agreed to accept that nature was making the decision for them.

I'm not sure I could live with that level of deceit, but in their case it meant that life carried on with their marriage intact and questions seemingly answered, and that was the end of the matter. Each to their own, and we all find our own ways of dealing with relationship challenges.

phillw

troubleinparadise wrote: »

Whilst I don't advocate deception, I have seen it work in a marriage on a similar matter..

It seems like you do advocate it.

LilElvis

troubleinparadise wrote: »

Whilst I don't advocate deception, I have seen it work in a marriage on a similar matter..

I can't see how the OP could fake going through a cycle of IVF with either PGD or donor eggs, though I'm willing to be enlightened.

Robisere

Your husband would not be carrying the baby HE wants. He would not have to suffer the invasive donor-egg/IVF process. He would probably be off with even more haste, should you bear HIM another child with a disability. And he would certainly not suffer the mental and physical suffering of an abortion.

Seems to me that he is a very controlling individual. Ask him how he would share any of the above suffering with you. Of course he can't, so why would he expect that of you? You are a person, not a biological machine.

troubleinparadise

phillw wrote: »

It seems like you do advocate it.

No, I'm simply repeating a story.

That doesn't mean I agree with it, nor recommend it. Not all marriages/relationships are based on total honesty or thoughtful caring actions.

I just find it interesting observing how different people deal with different situations, and continue to learn. Life just isn't black and white, and this thread bears that out.

It's up to the OP to work out what she wants and is prepared to live with - or not.

Toto

As a fragile x/autism mum I completely empathise with this.

it's really hard to live with but sometimes people struggle with not having the experience of a child without disability, they mourn the loss of what they exected parenthood should be. That doesn't mean you need to bow down and have a baby to please your husband but it might just be a simple case of him seeing a very simple solution to a situation and him not fully understanding the entire impact upon you.

I've struggled with the just one more child thing, I'd love another but there is no way on earth I could manage another FX child so I completely get how you feel about it.

There is no easy solution but communication, calm talking and lots of it will be the only way through it

seven-day-weekend

If you and your husband really love each other, then there is a way through this. You need to communicate. Fully. You both need to listen as well as talk. And you both need to be totally honest.

I can understand that he wants a 'normal' relationship with a child of his own. What I can't understand is why he would break up a happy marriage to get it. I can absolutely understand why the OP has misgivings.

Communicate, honestly, now.

sile001

Dear OP, my sympathies are entirely with you and your son at this time. Perhaps your husband needs some counselling to help him to understand just what he is asking of you.

Considering the invasive and expensive nature of the conception of a future child, would he still be so determined if he was the one who had to undergo the treatment? I'm thinking not.

I do hope you manage to work your way out of this impasse. Good luck

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If you were to agree to try for a 'natural' conception, there wouldn't be any reason to suspect you'd had a depo provera injection every 12 weeks, would there?

That might give you some time to work out whether you want to stay with such an Arzehole or whether he's setting the scene for an 'I've met somebody and we're going to have a perfect baby because you wouldn't' announcement over the next year or so (ie, he's already up to something and is trying to decide whether to stay or go and be stung for maintenance - and having another child is his pathetic way of deciding).