My husband wants to leave me if I don’t have more children

leslieknope

might i suggest he fornicates himself?

a lot of people survive just fine as an only child. a lot of parents are fine with one child, single children families are still regular families. the fact he is making these kind of threats in a 15 year relationship without considering your feelings really shows his true character.

he will not love both children the same. he will favour the "normal" child. i can promise you that.

Tigsteroonie

So in his eyes, you've given him a 'duff' kid and unless you give him a decent kid, he's going to f off and find somebody else who will?

Tell him to f off. Don't worry about how you'll manage, you'll find a way.

FBaby

What a sad situation for both of you, with the stress and frustration taking its toll on him and not bringing the best of him. His reaction to your indecisiveness is not helpful at all, but at the same time, posters are usely understanding of people feeling extreme broodiness, normally women, but as in your case, it can be men who feel it.


You mention in your first post that IVF with your eggs is not an option. Is this what a fertility consultant said? Because you wrote it, it doesn't make complete sense. It might be that your condition makes you less fertile, ie. less good quality eggs to harvester and therefore to test, and consequently a lower chance of healthy embryos to implant, but that doesn't mean that it isn't possible. Have you had any fertility tests yet?


It sounds like you (two) have fallen into a vicious circle probably for lack of good communication. You might have started a bit unsure about having a second child whilst he grew more and more broody, then your lack of clarity, maybe him feeling that you were leading him on has turned into frustration and desperation on his part leading to putting pressure on you in a very unpleasant way, leading to you even considering whether to be with him, let alone have another child.


I think your focus need to be on learning to feel comfortable to communicate your feelings to each other again and feeling listened to. Both ways. You also need to have absolute clarity in terms of thechoices you have (depending on how much clinical test/advice you've already had), and then you need to put every option on the table and discuss the pros and cons. Assuming you are working together on this, you then owe to your husband to be totally honest about what you want to do.

[Deleted User]

What if the second baby is disabled.

indiepanda

I really feel for you. Your husband sounds extremely selfish - he isn't thinking about anyone but himself, and certainly isn't thinking about how it might be for another child to come into the family and find most of the attention has to go to the older sibling or to have the responsibility of looking out for them when you are gone.

I doubt there are any guarantees with the fertility treatment that the next child would be "normal" and having seen friends go through it, some successfully, some not, all fertility treatment is very stressful, and with a child at home who is already challenging I think that could easily be a stress too far for you.

I don't know if this was something he just lashed out and said once in anger or if its a position he has repeated in a calm way. If the former perhaps he is just mourning for the loss of the family life he dreamed off when younger. I can't imagine when starting a family anyone dreams of having a kid with lots of health issues, doesn't mean they aren't loved, but I suspect at least some of the time, some parents in that position are wishing they hadn't had a family after all.

If he really is determined, I would be very hesitant to give him what he wants. Anyone that cold and manipulative can't be trusted to stick around after the child is born and the reality of sleepness nights on top of dealing with your existing child kicks in. He seems to be under some delusion that one "normal" child will give him the family life he dreamed of, but quite aside of the fact the second child may also have issues, it won't change anything about the situation with the older child, and you have no idea what impact bringing another child into the mix would have on the older - could be negative.

Money_maker

Its something he was saying 2 years ago too. Refer back to OP's post from 2015 when her DH was having problems adjusting to a 'different' child. Sadly, he still seems to have problems coping with it. Just to add that 'normal' children often have a preference to be bathed/fed/put to bed etc by one parent too.

BrassicWoman

If he left, why would he not leave with his much loved child, that he loves the same as he would love any other child?

Crazy_Diamond

Wow thanks for all your replies.

Mojisola and Red-Squirrel you have certainly given me food for thought. I really do need to make sure there is absolutely no pressure on another child to take responsibility for their sibling and that I am having another child for the right reasons.

Faith177, indiepanda, BrassicWoman and others, I do see why you think I should leave my husband but I really don’t think I could cope with our son on my own either financially or emotionally. My husband does love our son and would take him with him if that was what I wanted but I don’t think I could cope with that either as I would miss my son too much.

Unholyangel, I am working because I enjoy it. At the moment I do feel I have a good balance with work at home as I work part time from home and I would not want to give this up.

Tikki999 I think my husband’s problem is that he has always been a bit of a dreamer. He has this ideal picture in his head of how his life should be but doesn’t consider any of the realities of the situation. He earns a good wage so he says that we can buy in any help we need with children (he even mentioned getting a wet nurse or night nanny at one point!) but doesn’t consider any of the practicalities e.g. where this nanny would sleep or how we would manage if he lost his job with all these expenses.

FBaby we have had fertility tests and were told that IVF with our own eggs is not possible. We were told there would be 50% chance of success with donor eggs.

I have managed to convince my husband to come to relationship counselling with me so hopefully that will help us come to a decision.

Has anyone had a positive experience of having a second child after a disabled one? All the experiences here do seem to be quite negative.

BorisThomson

We could try egg donation at a cost of £16k per cycle (with 50% chance of success) or natural pregnancy and then amniocentesis at 12 weeks to test for fragile x. We have agreed however we do not want another child with fragile x and there would be a 50% chance that I would need an abortion at 12 weeks.

I'm not sure you've thought this through. Would you try to get pregnant in the knowledge that there's a 50% chance you'd abort at 12 weeks? Each to their own but for me that shows no respect for yourself and the trauma it would cause, and more importantly (as they don't get a say in the matter) for your unborn child.

There's a huge difference between aborting a pregnancy because of unexpected complications, and actively choosing to get pregnant in the knowledge that you may well abort it.

phillw

Crazy_Diamond wrote: »

Faith177, indiepanda, BrassicWoman and others, I do see why you think I should leave my husband but I really don’t think I could cope with our son on my own either financially or emotionally.

So you say no, then wait to see if he goes through with leaving you? Or are you going to say yes because you're scared of being left alone?

It just sounds abusive to me.