Finding Strength and Balance

helsbell

Yesterday was a very spendy day. I've mentioned before that I'm finding the weekends that my DDs are with their dad I can get very down and achieve absolutely nothing! Well, I was determined not to let that happen this weekend. I went into town as I need some new clothes anyway, and it's a long time since I had a potter round there.

I got a new pair of trousers and new shoes, both mostly for work and desperately needed. I declined a sales assistant's offer of new jeans for £122 :eek: I bought some wool so I can knit a scarf in the evenings to help me relax. I chose the wool at £3 a ball, rather than the fashionably packaged, locally sourced £16-a-ball wool.

Not quite so necessary were the coffee shop lunch, the coffee (at a separate time from the lunch), and the brow wax and tint

I'm sure I should be feeling guilty about all of that, but to be honest it's quite rare for me to spend money on myself, especially all in one day so I'm OK with it. I can make it all fit within the budget, with a bit of re-jigging of various 'fun' categories.

What I do feel guilty about is that today was a bit of a write off I was awake early enough, probably around 7am, but I just found loads of reasons not to get moving: "oh, I'll just catch the news on the radio", "oh, I wonder if there's anything different in the Guardian app", "oh, I could just watch some telly while I have something to eat". And before I know it, it's 3 in the afternoon and I need to dash out to do the food shop before it closes, which I haven't done a menu plan for, let alone written a list so I came back without half the stuff we needed :mad::p

Anyway, the point is that only one day this weekend was a total write off. In previous weeks, it's been both days. So progress has been made :j I did manage to do some of the things that I've been meaning to do for ages, even if there are others that I didn't get to.

Redo, work politics is draining isn't it? I just don't understand how people can think that treating other people like sh!! is going to get the job done better. There's no point in being in power/charge of a sinking ship, surely? It seems to make more sense for everyone to support each other. Anyway, next week is a new week so hopefully a better one.

May the odds be ever in your favour, reader.

Honeysucklelou2

Sounds like a productive day yesterday...well done. The knitting project sounds great and just right for the colder weather.

helsbell

Honeysucklelou2 wrote: »

Sounds like a productive day yesterday...well done. The knitting project sounds great and just right for the colder weather.

Thanks, yes I got a few frogs eaten

The knitting is going to have to wait a few more days, as I hasn't noticed I need a circular needle and I don't have any. I've ordered one and it should be here in a day or two.

117pauline

Just a quick hello.

Hope all is well

Take care
Pauline

doingitanyway

helsbell wrote: »

What I do feel guilty about is that today was a bit of a write off I was awake early enough, probably around 7am, but I just found loads of reasons not to get moving: "oh, I'll just catch the news on the radio", "oh, I wonder if there's anything different in the Guardian app", "oh, I could just watch some telly while I have something to eat". And before I know it, it's 3 in the afternoon and I need to dash out to do the food shop before it closes, which I haven't done a menu plan for, let alone written a list so I came back without half the stuff we needed :mad::p

I have days like that sometimes, not often and they don't sound often for you either so just put it behind you. I tell myself a nothing day is sometimes required even if you don't know it...

helsbell

Well, this is a rather neglected little corner, isn't it?

I've just popped in to say that I've been back reading all your lovely diaries over the last few weeks. I'm not quite ready to start posting here again yet, but hopefully over the next week or two.

Hope everyone is well

helsbell

Hello everyone!

Well, it's been about six months since I made it in here so there's a few things to catch up on. I've just read back through my diary and noticed what's changed, and what's stayed the same. I've also taken a look back through my physical diary to help me remember what I haven't told you. i can't promise that this post will be organised, but it will be honest!

Not long after Christmas my DD got a virus (probably) that wiped her out for about a week. This started a chain of events that means her eating and weight is being closely monitored by both me and a couple of specialist doctors. She is getting better, but it's a long, slow road. It also seems to regularly turn into a battle, which is not the relationship I want us to have.

Reading back through my diary, I can see that work has been a major stress point for at least a year. I previously said that my department was largely protected - that changed a few months ago and we have had the most ridiculous year I have ever worked in any job, in any industry. The powers that be seem keen to use absences and staffing issues to gain sympathy from their scrutineers at the relevant time; they do not however accept that absences and staffing issues should in any way affect how we perform on the ground, or the outcomes that we can achieve; they do not accept that they should at any point offer support, practical or otherwise. I am suffering regular symptoms of anxiety, including dizziness, palpitations, difficulty concentrating and knots in my stomach. I am getting quite emotional just writing this. I know I need to take some time off but I also know I need to get a new job. I do not wish to do either.

In both January and February my car broke (front suspension, both sides at separate times), which cost around £400 all together. In March the tax credit people decided that I had been overpaid and corrected it by not paying around £300 over the course of the month, so that it was all correct for the beginning of the financial year. It was really hard, but I managed to get through both of these without adding to my debt.

I can see that I used to be really good at using my physical diary to log spends but I haven't been doing this, as my focus shifted to more urgent things. I would like to get back to doing this, as I think it really helped. I have already started writing lists again, which is helping, so I think I should be able to add in the spends.

My ex asked me last week for the marriage certificate so that he can start divorce proceedings. This came completely out of the blue, and threw me. I agree that it needs to be done, and I think it has been hanging over us both for long enough. I just wasn't expecting him to pick up the gauntlet, as he hasn't been proactive about anything else. Now that I'm over the shock I am glad that he has taken control over it.

helsbell

I still have not used my credit card, and have stayed within budget in all my time away. I may not have been great at making extra money or making overpayments, but I have not added to the debt.

I have some money to make overpayments. I have put it in my diary so that it doesn't cancel out my usual monthly payment.

I have some money to fix the things in the house that need fixing. I can do this without wiping out my emergency fund.

I have felt this low before, which means that I know I can come back up. I know the main cause this time. I know that the external factors making me unhappy are not my fault. I know that I can take control and change it. I just need to act.

I have great friends who support me. My parents are also fabulous, but they also have a lot on their plate already so I don't lean too hard in that direction. I know that I can if I need to though.

I have wonderful daughters who want to help. I need to let them.

I am in control, even though it doesn't feel like it. If I take action I will be able to believe it.

helsbell

Well, it's been an interesting week. My colleague and I went to see our boss on Monday to explain how bad things are, and how we're feeling. We got a better reception than I expected, tbh. We've secured some extra resources for a while, but mostly it was just good to offload! I did explain that I'm feeling really anxious, and that if nothing changes, I will end up off sick. I may have been a little too honest, but it's done now.


My eldest is away with school all week so I get to spend more time with the younger one. I think she's been feeling a little neglected recently so it's good to be able to do this. She's more than happy with the extra cuddles and having me to herself, but I may treat her to a film at the weekend.

Money wise, things are quite quiet. I seem to have had a payrise, and it's even been backdated! I've popped the extra from this month into savings, and will continue to do so each month. I did this with last year's payrise too, so I'm effectively living in the salary of 2 years ago. I will keep doing this for as long as I can as it's not a huge amount each month so I think I'd fritter it rather than notice it IYSWIM.

I normally shop at the weekend but this week I was able to wait until Tuesday, with a bread topup today. Although somehow I also came home with pain au chocolat and muffins. Oh, and I think I went shopping on Sunday for a few things. Oh dear. Well, at least I know why I struggle to keep to the grocery budget!

helsbell

A fairly quiet but productive weekend here. I think I've decided against the cinema as there seems to be a lot to do. My DD seems quite happy pottering at home and playing with her friends so I think we'll save that treat for another time. Seems a shame to sit in a darkened room when we have all this sunshine!

Yesterday I managed to get a few jobs done (which is better than usual). They are of the regular 'please do at least weekly' variety. I would love to get a few more of the extras done but I'm finding that quite difficult to fit in. I'm considering writing myself a timetable to help! Anyway, progress, not perfection

Today we're going to go shopping and spend some time together in the garden.

Have a great day everyone!