Please help

NewUserName

I'm a long term poster, but I don't really want to reveal my identity as my partner's family know my ID.

Brief background: I was a single mom to my 8 year old girl when I met someone through a game we both played online. We spoke for a very long time and I agreed to meet him 18 months later, in a city between our locations (he lived in Wales, I live in Wolverhampton).

We met up a few times, had quite an intense online relationship, he met my daughter, all was good. Then he was offered a better job here. He took it and came to stay with me until he found somewhere else, and to cut a long story short, two years later, he's still here. My daughter worships him. She only sees her dad for a day each week and she looks on him as a wonderful substitute.

My daughter is now 12 and we found out four weeks ago that I was pregnant.

We'd discussed having children and decided to hold off for a couple of years, I'm currently in my first year of midwifery and he's still finding his feet over here. However, abortion was never on the table, or so I thought.

Over the last few weeks, he's been really quite distant and hasn't really shown me any affection and has been off sleeping with me.

I asked if he thought he'd hurt the baby and he said no.

It came to an almighty argument last night where he shouted at me that he'd said he didn't want a baby. I reminded him that he'd said yet and that I was on the injection when I fell pregnant so he couldn't really blame me. He said he doesn't know why he's with me. I said neither did I as he doesn't come near me any more and I woke up the other night to him knocking one out over something he was watching on his tablet. He denied this and shouted a lot about me being a **** (c word) and said he didn't feel like he was part of the pregnancy as I kept referring back to my other one. Which is probably fair but it's hard not to compare.

I don't really know where to go from here. I adore the man, but I can't carry on like this and at the moment I feel like he doesn't want me or the baby and he can just leave in that case, I'm not in the business of begging.

goodwithsaving

I'm sorry but if someone uttered the c-word at me, about me....they'd be out. It is the height of disrespect.

NewUserName

It doesn't bother me like that, I've said it to him too.

FBaby

I reminded him that he'd said yet and that I was on the injection when I fell pregnant so he couldn't really blame me.

Does he believe you are lying? Maybe he thinks that you were intending on falling pregnant and trapped him and he is really angry with himself for trusting you. If he sees you being all happy about it, that might convince him even more.

If you really want to try to work things out with him, then you need to somehow convince him that you are in this unexpected situation together, decision made together, future discussed together rather than making him feel that you are in full control and he just have to go along with what you decide.

chesky

How can you possibly 'adore' someone who is so disrespectful to you (and I don't just mean the language).

NewUserName

I am a very fragile skinned one and he noticed the bruises every time I went for it so he can't really not believe it.

I don't believe he wants this baby really. But he's told all his family, I didn't, so he's put himself into the situation. I know I can do this without him. But I'd really rather not.

NewUserName

Chesky, can you clarify what else you mean then please? The language is water off a duck's back to me as I am what you might call a swearer.

theoretica

Sounds like he fell into the trap of thinking contraception is 100% reliable - and perhaps you did too, by not making sure you had discussed the possibility of it failing when you agreed to hold off having children. Hopefully he just needs some more time to get used to the idea - does he have reliable friends or family to talk it over with and help him work out what he really thinks?

And I think you should take the step of not comparing with your previous pregnancy when he is around - sure it will be hard, but if he comes round to the idea of fatherhood that will likely also be hard for him.

chesky

NewUserName wrote: »

Chesky, can you clarify what else you mean then please? The language is water off a duck's back to me as I am what you might call a swearer.

How about him saying 'he doesn't know why he's with me' for a start.

NewUserName

He would never talk about this to people. He doesn't have many friends and wouldn't dare talk about it to his family as he's told them and they're all delighted.

Chesky, I know. I know he loves me, I'm just exhausted with trying to make this work.

goodwithsaving

NewUserName, you obviously know the solution but are unwilling to do it or accept advice. So I'm just curious, what did you come here for? If you speak to each other like that, how is that a happy relationship? It doesn't sound good or healthy for either of you.