I feel trapped and have very few options

warby68

You're in significant debt and also have an adult lifetime of being in debt.

You cannot afford a loss making business start up phase. Those without such resources that want a business usually have to start it on the side while earning from elsewhere and wait it for it to build before giving up the more secure income.

You haven't done that and after many posts , finally admitted you don't actually want a job.

Your child and childcare situation is easy compared to a lot, they aren't infants and only half a week. Its mainly a couple of hours after school for a couple of years if you have a regular job. You will get tax credits as well to help.

Its your choices which are about your wants which are giving you 'very few options'.

A couple of things also struck me about your sense of realism - you have a 'luxury' level of costs for your business including paying for a business mentor (although in early posts you said skill swap?) and an eyewatering £500 fixed costs per month.Yet you've taken time off when skint plus can't charge your laptop, your only source of work. What if you had a deadline? Why aren't you straight to the shop or carrying a spare?

A little more sympathetically, living with poor health and debts isn't easy and you've been 'in the hole' for a long time its probably become a kind of norm. But you need a realistic plan for these two which doesn't include £1200 still owing for a fridge/cooker, a weekly sub off your mum (why should she work a regular job when you don't want to ) and a loan from your 19y old daughter. Working with tax credits is generally considered a decent prospect for single parents and supplies a reasonable income. You have a package which 'assumes' you have some income from your self-employment but you don't and actually have losses. The latter is the problem not the benefits. You're chasing the life you think you deserve after some tough times and I don't blame you for wanting happiness but you have children and responsibilities which aren't going away.

The expensive 'quack' therapies when in debt is also a questionable choice. You've also dabbled in numerous and contrasting careers but not found 'the one' - do you lose interest in things after a couple of years?

I strongly suggest seeking help from the debt free wannabes - a lot of help with little judgement over there and get your budget as healthy as you can.

Make sure you're doing all you can for your health - change GP if you aren't happy. You won't be fixed by £40 alternative therapies.

Get a job and do the business on the side - that would be the very simple, logical conclusion here but not the one you want unfortunately. If your health prevents you doing part time relatively unskilled work, it is difficult to see how you could cope with a 40h+ inherently pressurised own business. If you reallyand truly aren't fit for work then its another set of benefits to consider.

bugslet

ScorpiondeRooftrouser wrote: »

I "believe in" medicine that, when tested, can be shown to work. Not in quackery that , when tested, is always shown to have no effect. If you want to continue giving your money to con men, you carry on. but don't go complaining you can't make ends meet. You have children, and you are deliberately paying for these criminals' children to go to private schools while yours go short.

I think it was Tim Minchin that said, what do you call alternative medicine that works? Medicine. Always makes me smile.

AngelPie78

warby68 wrote: »

You're in significant debt and also have an adult lifetime of being in debt.

You cannot afford a loss making business start up phase. Those without such resources that want a business usually have to start it on the side while earning from elsewhere and wait it for it to build before giving up the more secure income.

You haven't done that and after many posts , finally admitted you don't actually want a job.

Your child and childcare situation is easy compared to a lot, they aren't infants and only half a week. Its mainly a couple of hours after school for a couple of years if you have a regular job. You will get tax credits as well to help.

Its your choices which are about your wants which are giving you 'very few options'.

A couple of things also struck me about your sense of realism - you have a 'luxury' level of costs for your business including paying for a business mentor (although in early posts you said skill swap?) and an eyewatering £500 fixed costs per month.Yet you've taken time off when skint plus can't charge your laptop, your only source of work. What if you had a deadline? Why aren't you straight to the shop or carrying a spare?

A little more sympathetically, living with poor health and debts isn't easy and you've been 'in the hole' for a long time its probably become a kind of norm. But you need a realistic plan for these two which doesn't include £1200 still owing for a fridge/cooker, a weekly sub off your mum (why should she work a regular job when you don't want to ) and a loan from your 19y old daughter. Working with tax credits is generally considered a decent prospect for single parents and supplies a reasonable income. You have a package which 'assumes' you have some income from your self-employment but you don't and actually have losses. The latter is the problem not the benefits. You're chasing the life you think you deserve after some tough times and I don't blame you for wanting happiness but you have children and responsibilities which aren't going away.

The expensive 'quack' therapies when in debt is also a questionable choice. You've also dabbled in numerous and contrasting careers but not found 'the one' - do you lose interest in things after a couple of years?

I strongly suggest seeking help from the debt free wannabes - a lot of help with little judgement over there and get your budget as healthy as you can.

Make sure you're doing all you can for your health - change GP if you aren't happy. You won't be fixed by £40 alternative therapies.

Get a job and do the business on the side - that would be the very simple, logical conclusion here but not the one you want unfortunately. If your health prevents you doing part time relatively unskilled work, it is difficult to see how you could cope with a 40h+ inherently pressurised own business. If you reallyand truly aren't fit for work then its another set of benefits to consider.

Hi and thank you for your comments - not sure if you've read through all of the posts here cos
a lot of what you've queried was actually covered yesterday.

-> I didn't recognise that I didn't want a job until yesterday after many helpful posts on this thread. In terms of that though, I'm talking about getting a full-time career job. If I thought that getting a full-time job 'just for now' would be benificial then I would certainly do it. This would be a NMW job that would provide me with a steady income.

-> Childcare costs would not be as much as if the children were little, but they are still there and would be difficult to arrange. Tax credits would indeed help (I'd actually forgotten that) but there would still be something to pay which needs to be considered.

-> business costs. These are estimates. Everything is changing when I start working with my collaborator/business partner next month. I also have another side project of the business which has very minimal costs and *should* make some serious money but it's not being started until January (for reasons out of my control).

-> a macbook charger is £80. I don't have £80. I don't even have £8. I bought this one from eBay for £20 (probably gonna have a go at me for that?? lol) and it broke again - what a surprise! Have ordered another one from a different person and that should be here tomorrow. If I had a deadline then I would be trying to borrow a charger for a few days from my business partner. As it is i don't have to panic, cos I'm on holiday. I shoudl get a spare though - good idea.

-> I'm taking time off cos I need a break. I'm not superhuman and have mental health problems. I can't work like a machine and, unlike you, do actually need some time off. I try to stick to my working hours (for mental health and work/life balance) purpses but inevitably end up working till very late and all weekend because my job is my passion and I really enjoy it. I've barely taken a day off from some kind of business work since January. I also have my boys for two weeks and, whereas they are older, I'd like to spend at least some time with them and be on Mummy duty for a while. I thought about when to take time off and planned it to be at the quietest time of the summer so it's not the be all and end all of my business.

-> responsibilites etc. I know this. I tried and tried to get a job last year for over six months before I started my business. I went to university and retraned in something that I thought I would enjoy AND would guarantee me a job. We all make decsions based on the information I have and I feel that I've made the best ones! As much as everyone says it, I can't go back in time and choose a different degree. i have to work with what I have lol. I've worked since I was 15 - I understand the importance of working. Yes, I'm awful with money and in a lot of debt but I can't even afford to eat at the moment so what can I do about the debt? I talk to all my debtors and explain the situation. I'm not hiding from them - I just can't afford anything.

-> When I bought the fridge freezer and oven, I was reasonably well off as a student and then assumed I would walk straight into a job. I was also desperate and needed a fridge and oven. They probably weren't the best choices in hindsight but I can't change that now so I just need to move forward. I don't understand the obsession with analysing things that have been done and can't be changed?!

-> i haven't 'dabbled in a lot of careers' but probably haven't explained myself well. I trained as a nursery nurse stright after my A levels and worked in a nursery for ten years. I then worked in recruitment within the NHS for another ten years. In that time, I took some night courses and trained as a make-up artist and nail technician. When I went back to work part-time after having my boys, I did bridal make-up and nails on the side for some extra income (I was married then). I then left Recruitment and was a very successful consultant and manager for a large weight loss organisation. After separating from my husband, I had a breakdown, was Sectioned, had to give up my job and was diagnosed as having severe post-natal depression from when I had my son (who was then seven). I was on ESA for two months and it drove me crazy - beign skint and bored 24/7. I tried to get a job but didn't get anywhere cos my little one was only 3 and the Job centre wouldn't help me because they said I was entitled to just be on Income Support (!!). After much soul searching, I decided to go to Uni and get my degree. And here we are a year after grdauation - pretty much stuck in exactly the same situation as I was when Ileft my husband (in terms of career). Yes, I would have been better probably sticking on ESA/IS BUT you have no idea of the mental health and many, many awful issues, problems and incidences I've had to cope with. You don't know me - only what I've cosen to share on this thread.

You have no idea what I've had to deal with and, believe me, I am absoultely entitled to som happiness and a little bit of doing what I want

-> in terms of GP - I've seem about ten over the last 5 years and they're all the same. I was lucky enough to get a lot of mental health support whilst at uni which has got me to where I am today, but if I left it to the Gps, I would be a mess, rocking in the corner and chucking down tablets all the time. That's not for me at all. We'll all have to agree to disagree about the complimentary therapies but I'm not having any treatement at the moment so it's not something that is impacting on my budget right now (but it is the ONLY thing that's made me feel better )

-> I agree that my mental health isn't probably strong enough to cope with a 40h week and this is something that terrifies me but (as I said in my original post) I have tried, appealed and failed to get PIP and ESA payments (despite reports, letters and evidence from actual medical professionals) so I'm stuck where I am. I've been signed off twice whilst trying to work part-time because my blood pressure has soared and my mental health has got really bad. Then the GPs say they won't give me another note as they have to get me back into work. So I'm back where I started. Getting a full time job will (I think) just end up back in this cycle and it does make me very worried. Which is another reasons why the business might be the best option all round.

It's not about not wanting to have a full time job and then work on the side. I would LOVE to be able to do that and it is the logical solution BUT I know that I won't be able to do it. I have a chronic medical condition which limits my working capacity - whether anyone else recognises this or not. I've been through years of counselling and therapy to be strong enough to realise that I have restrictions and that I can't just 'shake off' my depression. It's a disability, the same as other disabilites and thus my life is limited *in some ways* which has not been recognised by the government to enable me to get financial help (and thus solve this actual whole problem!).

So this is where I end up. It's not about what I want it's about making the right decision for MY WHOLE FAMILY in the short, mid and long term. There is just me to make the decision - I have no one to talk to about it, I have no friends, a very small family and no counsellor/therapist to help make the decision.

I've made some serious mistakes in the past and hold my hands up to these daily (another joy of depression/anxiety) and I don't want to make another. I feel that this is a bit of a cross-roads situation and I have come on here to ask for advice and get some views from people who don't know me - and I feel that 95% of the comments have really helped and I give thanks for that.

I genuinely don't know what to do.

I know what the sensible, logical and common sense people will say BUT that's if you are a healthy and well individual who has the mental capacity to apply for jobs that you don't really want and then stick with them for the sake of an extra £200 or so per week. You know that this will just allow you to exist, not live, and you will miss out on seeing your children (even more than you do now) and you know that your mental health will suffer.

You also don't know if you will even be able to work full-time - will you just end up getting ill and being signed off anyway?

Is it worth trying, just to say you tried or is that giving up the business that is *almost* profitable and then having to start all over again?

Do you carry on as you are - hoping that your business will take off? You know that there are plans in place to make it successful but it's possibly another 3-18months away! Can you cope living like this (ie not even exisiting) to have a better long term option?

ARGH!!!!

AngelPie78

readingfan wrote: »

My son builds computers - he's built several. It's not a great idea to be building rigs for other people for profit. Way too much can go wrong - what would the OP do if she screwed up the installation and blew a £200 part? She certainly can't afford to replace it.

eeek yeah I don't wanna do that!

AngelPie78

bugslet wrote: »

I think it was Tim Minchin that said, what do you call alternative medicine that works? Medicine. Always makes me smile.

Oh you guys are soooo cynical?! None of you have actually given me any other options though lol. Just 'go and see your GP'. I've told you that they just throw medicine at me and offer NO other solutions. Yet, counselling, therapy and the alternative medicines have actually made a very positive impact on my life. I don't know what you think that a GP can/should do? But none of the ones I've seen have made any effort to help me in anyway apart from give me anti depressants, anti anxiety meds and signed my sick notes!

AngelPie78

skintandfat wrote: »

Now my bit

I noticed you spoke about direct debit.

May I suggest you do this for sites- do a monthly cost for the site and the maintenance and reduce it after say 1 year / 14 months to a maintenance only cost which covers maintenance and a limited number of changes per year

Then a £500 bill becomes £35 a month for 14 months- and you can start hosting straight away (as you can pull the site any time for non payment). But you will have had some payments rather than none.
You could then reduce it to a lower level.


Do you keep the domains in your name for your sites?


I would check business costs- I have a Godaddy unlimited sites hosting plan that is < £150 a year all in.


Your mobile- I use Tesco mobile and am £17 per month (5000 texts, 5000 mins and 6 G data), once this deal runs out I will go to sim only.


As far as council tax and DWP goes I get a fax number and use that (I use a virtual fax), that makes things better
They don't 'lose' paperwork when you have a fax receipt


I also have an Andriod decent galaxy phone which has an app that records calls- I tell people (call centres / govt departments) when the call connects and it sharpens their mind


As far as LED's go- you are throwing money away by having non-led lamps
One Gu10 LED lamp on for 10 hours a day uses over £75 a year in leccy. Change that to a LED and the cost goes fro £75 to £7.50


Buy one lamp at a time and change them over a period.


I know you have tried a benefits sweep but look at
https://www.turn2us.org.uk/


for benefits info


Also
If you go BR then that writes off all your debts.
If you can not afford to go BR you could stop paying things that will fall in to the BR such as
Council tax
Gas
Electric
Credit cards


Remember BR is a serious undertaking so think seriously and take advice.


Have you looked at a DRO (you need your debts below £20k)
https://www.stepchange.org/Howwecanhelpyou/DRODebtrelieforder.aspx

Lol i can't even get them to make TWO payments - they're not gonna be able to cope with 14!? Also, it's common practice in web dev/design to have 50% up front and 50% on completion. This is another reason why we want to target bigger businesses - they have more money and understand business much better.

I don't always host the sites too and my business partner wants to do away with payment plans altogether (it's the only thing we've disagreed on!)

I would never go on a shared server. I have over 20 sites (domains all in my name for the ones I purchase) and have a dedicated server. The cost for this is covered by the clients whose websites I host.

I only pay £12 per month for my mobiles with GiffGaff (sim only).

I can't stop paying all of those bills as I don't know when I'll have enough money to pay for the BR fee - I'm £600 away from the whole £680 so it could be months yet! they'll be bashing down my door and trying to get me to pay it all PLUS charges. I don't think that's a very sensible option??

Love the fax idea and recording calls though - I'm gonna look into that today.

I will also start purchasing LED bulbs, once I can afford to live without being subbed by my mum! Not very fair to be taking from her anyway, let alone using that money to buy light bulbs!!

I've done the benefits checker - I do it all the time. Nothing has shown up and my TC have been stopped again cos they've messed up my income AGAIN. Will see what they came back with and go from there.

I've taken plenty of advice about going Bankrupt. Been told to do it for years and years but I always wanted to pay back the money I owed. I've just got to the point where I don't think I'll ever afford to pay anything back and at least doing this will ease some of the pressure. Debt doesn't bother me when I can't afford to put petrol in the car or food on the table! It won't effect me in the slightest as I have zero credit and can't even get a bank account at the moment! lol

AngelPie78

fiisch wrote: »

Admirable, and only you know exactly where the business is and what it's capable of. That said, it's not providing an income you need to support yourself, and being on the brink of bankruptcy, it's sheer madness. Not only that, it's exploiting the bankruptcy system, and I'm afraid if you can't manage personal spending, I hope it's your partner that manages the business' finances...

Good luck, but I'd have a Plan B lined up ready to action if income doesn't starting go up very soon....

As other's have said, your priorities don't seem to be quite in the right order. When children are involved, it's not always a case of just doing what we really want, it's being a provider first and foremost.

How am I exploiting the bankruptcy system? I've been told to go bankrupt by every agency/charity I've spoken with but I don't want it to be illegal!

I don't have a Plan B. I have

1) get a full time job
2) keep with the business

I think those are my only options.

Please don't try to imply that I'm not a good parent because you don't think I'm putting my kids first. I gave up several successful careers to be a stay-at-home or part-time mum for all of my kids so that their Dad could work his way up the career ladder and now I'm in this position and he's a Senior Manager. You have no idea what I've done for my children so please don't assume I'm not putting them first.

Would you be happier if I got a full time job, ended up having another breakdown and being hospitalised again? How does that help me or my kids?

Yes, we might be undergoing a little hardship at the moment, but my family are super supportive and we are doing ok with their help (financial and otherwise). I would like to not have to rely on them for financial support and IMO this is what disability financial support is for, but I'm apparently not entitled to that so there we go. My mum has seen the Hell I've been through and gives me money so I DON"T have to be in that position again. I don't force her to give me money and I don't even ask for it.

AngelPie78

Loanranger wrote: »

Your priority must be to earn enough to support yourself and your two children. You are wanting to put other more important things in front of that one single most important priority and thus cannot clearly see what you have to do.
I did make a couple of suggestions earlier but you just proved my point in your response.
Get your one priority in place and then everything will be clearer.

My main priority is to keep myself well and alive. If that's working then the kids and I will be fine.

My problem is trying to work out which option is going to be best for keeping me well and alive!

Can't do much for my kids if I'm in hospital, curled up in a ball in bed or dead so I need to make sure that's in place first!

You seem to have gone straight from 'breathing and being able to get out of bed' to 'support yourself'. This is very common for people who have never had to deal with any type of mental health issue or a disability. Sometimes I can't even physically, or mentally, get out of bed in the morning so my priority that day is to just keep breathing and make it to night time. Feeding my kids is also a prioirty (obviously) but on those days they'll be with their friends or my family to be looked after.

bugslet

AngelPie78 wrote: »

Oh you guys are soooo cynical?! None of you have actually given me any other options though lol. Just 'go and see your GP'. I've told you that they just throw medicine at me and offer NO other solutions. Yet, counselling, therapy and the alternative medicines have actually made a very positive impact on my life. I don't know what you think that a GP can/should do? But none of the ones I've seen have made any effort to help me in anyway apart from give me anti depressants, anti anxiety meds and signed my sick notes!

Well it was a very throw away quote aimed at IIRC, Scorpion, but since you have responded to it, which you ae welcome to do, I shall answer.

I have tried various alternative therapies in the past, with a very open mind and none of them did any good for me and there is a distinct lack of scientific basis for many of them.

I don't think counselling qualifies as alternative, that's a mainstream approach.

They are GPs, they can only offer you the solutions they have available which is either medication or counselling - that is what is available on the NHS. If you think the drugs don't work, don't take them. Having done that, you either feel better or the same or find that they do help and then return. I don't understand what else your GP can do really.

I don't see why you should suggest that we give you other options. I'm a haulage contractor not a psychiatrist. But I can comment on my own experience of acupuncture, homeopathy, kinesiology and Bowen Therapy, all of which I have tried. The only one I felt did me any good, was the Bowen. Whilst I went for help with a bad back, on one occasion she did a different treatment as an antidote to a staggeringly bad day and it definitely made me feel more relaxed. This may be something you may find helpful.

AngelPie78

bugslet wrote: »

Well it was a very throw away quote aimed at IIRC, Scorpion, but since you have responded to it, which you ae welcome to do, I shall answer.

I have tried various alternative therapies in the past, with a very open mind and none of them did any good for me and there is a distinct lack of scientific basis for many of them.

I don't think counselling qualifies as alternative, that's a mainstream approach.

They are GPs, they can only offer you the solutions they have available which is either medication or counselling - that is what is available on the NHS. If you think the drugs don't work, don't take them. Having done that, you either feel better or the same or find that they do help and then return. I don't understand what else your GP can do really.

I don't see why you should suggest that we give you other options. I'm a haulage contractor not a psychiatrist. But I can comment on my own experience of acupuncture, homeopathy, kinesiology and Bowen Therapy, all of which I have tried. The only one I felt did me any good, was the Bowen. Whilst I went for help with a bad back, on one occasion she did a different treatment as an antidote to a staggeringly bad day and it definitely made me feel more relaxed. This may be something you may find helpful.

Hehe well that's the problem then - the GPs can't do anything and alternative therapies are there which do work for me so what option do I have? You guys are all telling me to go to my GP and I tell you that I do but thatthey can't even offer me counselling so I just do nothing? lol.

I think if you're going to tell someone to not do something, then your alternative should be a viable option. A GP, for me, is not a viable option - other than prescribing me meds which, they say, helps. I would prefer to go and talk to someone and have ANY treatment which actually enables me to live my life to some quality. Alternative therapies seem to work for me.

If you don't know what my GP can do to help, then why suggest I do that instead of going to see someone who I've told you CAN actually help? Apart from the cost implication, there doesn't seem to be any good reason to suggest that.