Social gatherings where not everybody is invited

Primrose

I belong to a retirement hobby activity which has been going for some years. We occasionally organise informal gatherings in respective homes after our weekly session for our smaller group of "founder" members to celebrate special events.. From time to time other people drift in and out of the formal hobby sessions on an irregular basis.

Peoples' homes and energies aren't big enough to accommodate the irregular attenders for these celebrations when they turn up. Does anybody have any advice on how we tactfully handle situations when at the end of our formal activity, the core group are obviously peeling off for a follow up gathering to which some of them are not invited.

We're not trying to be "exclusive". There's just a practical limit to what people can cope with on the entertaining front as they get older and nobody wants to cause offence where none is intended.

lincroft1710

Say that it is a "committee meeting" or similar, or try to be more discreet when leaving.

Jenniefour

Say "goodbye, see you at (date of next meeting)" to those you think might expect to go with you.

Artytarty

Hmmm, this is awkward isn't it?!
As a newer member to your hobby club I'd feel slightly excluded under these circumstances and might think you were all a bit cliquey.
Obviously I know this isn't the case as you've explained, but on the surface it looks lees than friendly.

Could you extend your time in the hall or wherever it is to include some social/eating/drinks time for everyone? I think either that or have your small group of chosen ones meet at another time.

barbarawright

I'm in a club where this sort of thing happens and I'm afraid when I'm left out I suddenly become 12 again. The other day I was in a changing cubicle and overheard part of conversation about an event I wasn't asked to and it really felt just like not being asked to the cool kid's party at school. Which doesn't really help you but I imagine some people *will* feel left out and may drop out of the group if it's seen as too cliquey. Couldn't the separate events happen on different nights from the main meeting so it isn't so obvious there are two classes of members?

Jenniefour

Very interesting responses, Artytarty and barabarawright. I was replying on the assumption, possibly mistaken, that this is a large group and only a much smaller group (a minority of the total numbers) would meet up afterwards. And I was drawing on my mothers experience of belonging to several different big groups, where, inevitably, some people really click with a few of the others and many/several smaller friendship sub groups form, where the smaller groups may well meet at other times and elsewhere. I think that's often a reason why people join hobby and other special interest groups - they hope to meet one or two people who might become closer friends.

Re-reading your post, Primrose, I wonder if I got hold of the wrong end of the stick? If I did misunderstand, then I would suggest that the sub group choose another time for their get together, rather than right after the meeting. Or keep this as a closed group - so that it's a meeting between friends who happen to share the same hobby.

Primrose

Our group is an outside exercise group with about 8 members using outdoor gym equipment in a park. We also bring along equipment of our own, so in that respect we're a specific group, although the park equipment is free for anybody to use and other people also come and sometimes use it while we're there, .Our group exercises for about an hour. Sometimes we go for coffee afterwards. The social gatherings usually take place immediately afterwards because some of the group don't live locally so it makes sense to get together afterwards while we're all in the same place.


Because it's a village community, we get to know other people who come and use the equipment from time to time although they're not part of our original group, which makes it hard trying to draw a line on who gets invited to somebody's house afterwards to celebrate an specific event.

warby68

If its directly after the group session, I'd favour an open invitation and simplifying the food/drink/location so noone is excluded.

If your core group wants something more, arrange it at another time and as 'off grid' as possible so you are friends meeting up on that occasion rather than a 'select few' from the hobby group.

I don't think there is a way to do what you're doing without appearing cliquey and selective, sorry. If it was a group of 30, then 5 or 6 could get away with it but where the number to be excluded is smaller than the number carrying on , it will probably cause some ill feeling, unintended or otherwise. Even trying to do it discreetly but still immediately after will look even worse as people are very attuned to this sort of thing.

Red-Squirrel_2

I think you probably need to separate the two so it doesn't feel like there's a 'A team' and a 'B team' at the hobby, or like a rejection for the uninvited.

If its at all connected to the group activity, I think you should invite everybody. If its not connected and its friends meeting up who also just happen to also do the hobby group, arrange it so it is actually separate, at a different time and place.

maman

I agree with some of the suggestions so far.
I belong to a group where we have formal business meetings then we go for a meal. The invitation to the meal is open to anyone from the early part of the evening that wants to come. One or two of us see each other between meetings but that's private in our homes or in a restaurant.

Similarly I belong to a group that goes for coffee after exercise and that's open to all too.

I think the problem is that you go back to a smallish house. The solution is to eat out or have a stand up buffet or meet up on another day.

Jenniefour

Thanks for the extra information, and renders my previous suggestion completely inappropriate.

It now sounds like this is a group - the original eight - that started out as a hobby group and has now developed into a friendship group. So any difficulties are probably arising from continuing to present yourselves/talk about yourselves to others as a hobby group.

So if you "update" yourselves on that, and refer to yourselves as a group of friends rather than "hobby group" I think you won't have any awkward difficulties.