Third-Life Crisis

Treadingonplaymobil

I don't know if it's reassuring or not to post this, but just wanted to offer some glimpse of hope for the feeling that every month is a panic/unexpected expenses filled month. We also used to have that literally every single month for ages when we started. I think we had six months of discovering things that we hadn't accounted for in our budget and needed a pot for (things like an extra train trip for a family birthday, or a wedding invitation or iCloud storage or a million other things), plus the usual 'argh the dehumidifier has broken' type emergencies. Then another six months of just the 'argh' emergencies, then finally in Feb we had a month where all the savings pots stayed topped up, we were able to cover the 'argh' expense with available budget flex (in February it was an unexpected £400 car bill) and the budget actually balanced throughout the month. Bearing in mind we started this journey LAST February, that's a long old time to get the budget to balance, but it was soooo worth it.

Also, I'm self employed, which is another reason it took so long - I had to start savings pots for things like equipment, training, low-earning months etc etc, and that was totally new to me too. So I feel your pain trying to manage a self employed income too!

Goingroundincircles

Just checked my Credit Club credit score and it's now on the border of 'good' - what a laugh :rotfl:

Goingroundincircles

Thanks TOPM, it's good to know it's not just us and that of course these things won't change overnight - but there is light at the end of the tunnel. At the moment I'll have to keep adding lines/pots to the budget as they crop up and work out how to add to them somehow.
OH being self employed definitely as its pros and cons! Finding some sort of balance would be nice at the moment.

Goingroundincircles

More ups and downs today.

Spent another £75 at the vets getting the staples removed. Had to use the emergency fund/maternity leave pot. However I did phone the insurers and the last claim was made in Dec and the policy renewed in Jan so we are into a new year's limit! I've submitted a claim form and we should get the money back for the last couple of weeks, minus the excess. This means i'll be able to top the pot back up again.

Have just sorted car insurance renewal saving £30pm and earning £28 cash back.

Completed a few studies on PA and about to do a survey which came through the post from Sport England which gives a £5 voucher. (OH can do the same).

But I've also eaten my bodyweight in sugar :eek:

Goingroundincircles

We're struggling.

We knew the first few months in particular were going to be difficult, but I just wanted to admit we're struggling.

Struggling with not having any spare cash.
Struggling with all the different pots and what goes where and not having enough money in any of them.
Struggling with each other since all we seem to do now is argue about money.

We're hoping things get easier soon but at the moment we're finding it tough.

enthusiasticsaver

Money is the source of friction in a lot of relationships. It will get easier as you adjust to a new way of life. You had a long time of living without restrictions on your spending and are now paying the price plus obviously with a massive lifestyle experience change in a few months when baby arrives. Don't underestimate the effect pregnancy will be having on your mood too.

It takes around 6 to 12 months on average to change habits and you have had a few setbacks. Maybe rather than having loads of pots you try and simplify it. Realistically holidays are out for you due to the debt and the fact that holidays with a baby are not a holiday IMHO. Emergency savings are a must. A house and car maintenance pot may be useful which we do combined. A disposable monthly discretionary pot maybe and budget each month at the beginning so you know if one of you or baby needs clothes then entertainment spend needs to be lower or if you overspend in groceries no takeaways. It is tough but it will get easier as the debt reduces and you are not spending so much on that.

Magpie100

I'm glad you posted. It's easy to run away from it all when it gets really tough - but you didn't do that. I know it's hard. It's hard to admit you're struggling and it's hard to admit you are having to deal with past mistakes.

enthusiasticsaver is right, as always. It will take months for you to start turning the ship around. TOPM' diary is a great example of this. It's not realistic to think you can fix everything in the space of a few weeks.

I'm sure you don't want to be arguing with your OH about it, but as you know one of my concerns is that as well as being pregnant you are the one posting, making changes, keeping everything under control. Obviously we only get your side of things, but so far your OH doesn't seem to have been particularly onboard with your efforts (I'm thinking of the petrol situation!). If an argument is the only way you can get through to him how precarious your situation is then so be it. He needs to understand, and very quickly, what needs to be done.

Let us know if there is something specific we can advice or give perspective on. Keep posting. Keep going. M100X

Goingroundincircles

Thank you both for your thoughts.

I've been pondering away all day and think perhaps we're trying to do everything at once and it's too much. Maybe we just need to focus on changing one or two things at a time? I thought maybe some long term planning might help and keeping track of key milestones:

Months 0-3 (Apr-Jun)
- Do not add to debt
- Pay only minimum towards all debts
- Track spending to work out where we're over spending/not allocating enough and adjust budget
- Track OH income as it should go up a decent amount
- Save £300pm for maternity leave

Months 4-9 (Jul-Jan)
- Maternity leave starts
- Try to stick within budget/pots
- Try to make overpayments towards debts (work out which to tackle first)
- Continue saving £300pm for maternity leave

Months 10-15 (Feb-Jul)
- Full time maternity pay ends (manage on savings/SMP)
- Work out plan for going back to work/childcare
- Saving ends, add more to the emergency fund pot

Months 16-21 (Aug-Jan)
- Back to work
- New budget needed
- Mum paid off saving £100pm

Months 22 onwards (Feb 2020 onwards)
- Both loans paid off freeing up £725pm (£403 Jan/£322 May)
- FIL paid off saving £100pm

After doing some quick sums, paying the minimum on the credit cards only would take us nearly 8 years to pay them off!! So obviously we need to start overpaying as soon as possible but I think what's most important first is to stop adding to the debt and work out how to live within our means. Would everyone agree?

Magpie100

Yes, yes, yes! I think what you have prioritised below is great. And it means you can start to train your brain ONLY to think about the things on the list for that segment of time, instead of it running off in to a lot of catastrophic unknowables. Maybe write these down and stick them on the fridge door so you both see them every day? Use it as a mantra whenever you feel overwhelmed: all you need do is stick to the basic aims for that period of time.

with the amount of debt you have you need to think both short and long term. You need some short term goals to reach and the ones you have outlined are achievable and relevant. You do need to stabilise this situation before you do anything else. Living within your means and not adding to the debt has to be the priority. The tracking your finances is also going to be really important - without data, it's impossible to see where you need to make changes. TOPM does a good job of looking back at her spending and seeing where things have gone wrong/could be better. It might seem depressing, but try and think of it as a data point to use for the future.

I'd try to put the 8 years out of your head for now. It's too far away to be meaningful and I think it might contribute to a 'what's the point' feeling sometimes.

If I'm being honest, I do think you are at some point going to have to consider a DMP/IVA or even bankruptcy, depending on how things unfold. But at the moment you still have control of the situation and the solution can be what you choose to make it. Your plan below is a good way forward for the next few months. Now go for it!

wishingthemortgaheaway

I definitely think you are at the 'turning of the tanker' stage, so not adding to your debt, keeping to a budget and saving up an emergency fund have to be your first steps.

The only part of your plan I disagree with is the use of the word 'try' at the start of stick within budgets/pots in months 4-9, this isn't a try, it's a must. You cannot afford to overspend.

Maternity leave can be as expensive or as cheap as you make it.but you will spend something, just keeping yourself sane. For the first 6 months it's coffee shops and 'mum' places, don't waste money on soft play centres, toddler groups and baby 'lessons' the only exception to this may be swimming, but it doesn't need to be the £13 a lesson private ones, council pools are fine, if baby is properly dressed for swimming.

After 6 months ish, nice cafes are out and then it's the children's centre and local church toddler groups, you may, if the budget allows, start to do one 'paid for' activity, but anymore than that isn't necessary (in my opinion)
Baby massage is great, but you don't need to pay anyone more than 50p/£1 a session.

Buy bundles of clothes from Facebook groups. In the first 9 months of his life my little one went from new born size to 12-18months, imagine the waste if I'd bought all those smaller sizes all brand new. We bought a couple of nice bits I each size (or we're given it) the rest were all hand me downs, on £10 a sack type clothes, even the new things were a certain supermarket that regularly has 25% off sales, even on the sale rack.

If people keep suggesting going out places, get into the habit of invitingly people to yours first, they just need a change of scene and the company is as good a step going out for you.

I hope your oh is now on board with the debt busting, otherwise the consequences of your overspending will just rumble on indefinitely. If he can do overtime now, suggest he does, you don't want him doing overtime when you have a newborn.

Sorry. I sound harsh, but I'm trying to be helpful
Wish.