Advice on how to get my brother to move out

rach_k

I would do as others suggest and ask your parents if they would consider moving to a smaller (1 bedroom?) bungalow. Then you can move out - could you share with your sister to help reduce costs?

hazyjo

Do you plan on staying with them forever? What if you get married/meet someone? It will be even harder to move out the longer you stay. My friend's 60 next year and stayed with her frail mum - I don't think she expected her to be around in her 80s as she's always had health probs. To put it bluntly, my friend can't now move out.


Agree with Diary - you move out. The others may follow.


My mum is in her 70s and lives alone now, but still runs around after my sister and her kids. She was very ill last year but was still trying to get in her car to pick my grown up nieces up from college/sixth form when they could quite easily go a few stops on the tube. My sister does everything for them all too - I'm sure if she was on her bloody deathbed she'd be dragging herself out of bed to drop one of them off somewhere or sit through a show they're in.


Some people will never change.


Jx

TBagpuss

I don't think the parents have to be 'fair' and insist that all the siblings move out if they want one out. They would be perfectly entitled to say to brother that they don't want him there because of his drinking, or because, unlike the others, he isn't pulling his weight.

However, you can't make your paretns decide to throw him out. You can voice your concerns, and you can suggest options, but ultimately, it is their decision not yours.

You and your sister could chose to move out - this might mean that your parents were more open to considering downsizing, if they found that without your financial and other help they were struggling to manage the current house. Also, it would allow them, if they wished, to give your brother one of the bedrooms freed up by your departure to use as a sitting room so that he can stay up even if they want to go to bed.

If you do decide to talk to your parents about this, then it may be helpful if you and you sister re in agreement, and if you focus on your concerns for your parents (risk of falling, cost and effort needed to maintain the house) rather than criticisms of your brother.

However, don't overlook the possibility that for all his annoying habits, your parents like your brother and enjoy having him around. Your mum may like feeling that she is still useful, and able to look after him. (and it may be that your parents have different views about what it is reasonable for their son, and their daughters, to do in terms of housework, cooking etc. You may well not agree, but if they take the view that women cook and clean and men are cooked and cleaned for, you are probably not going to change their minds)

Primrose

Sadly for you, it's your parents' house and if they're prepared to put up with your brother's behaviour, that's entirely down to them, and if they've decided to make a rod for their own backs by pampering him, treating him as a child and putting up with his behaviour, that's entirely their choice.


If you can't stand the atmosphere, it looks as if you may have to be the one who move out and not your brother. If you do so and he then finds that later he's the one still living there and responsible for their care when they become more frail, at least the balance will have been somewhat redressed.

Hermia

hazyjo wrote: »

Do you plan on staying with them forever? What if you get married/meet someone? It will be even harder to move out the longer you stay. My friend's 60 next year and stayed with her frail mum - I don't think she expected her to be around in her 80s as she's always had health probs. To put it bluntly, my friend can't now move out.

I agree. I know several middle-aged people who stayed living at home to help a parent, but the parent lived much longer than expected. They are now all sad and angry that they missed out on the chance to have a family of their own. Being the child who stays home when the rest have left makes it very hard to leave. The older the parents get the harder it is to find the time to get out and meet people. I think the OP should move out and get herself somewhere not too far away to put some distance between herself and the problems at home. Ultimately it is the parents who need to talk to the brother or at least stop doing his chores for him.

hazyjo

Hermia wrote: »

I agree. I know several middle-aged people who stayed living at home to help a parent, but the parent lived much longer than expected. They are now all sad and angry that they missed out on the chance to have a family of their own. Being the child who stays home when the rest have left makes it very hard to leave. The older the parents get the harder it is to find the time to get out and meet people. I think the OP should move out and get herself somewhere not too far away to put some distance between herself and the problems at home. Ultimately it is the parents who need to talk to the brother or at least stop doing his chores for him.

Indeed. My friend has never really 'grown up' to be honest. She's very young for her age and does everything her brother says (despite him moving out/getting married/having a family) years ago. She's never really been in charge at home and never had a family of her own (which she hugely regrets). She has lots of friends, but does suffer with several 'issues', and has had things very difficult over the years. Her dad died before she was 10 so it's been even harder to leave.