The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

Cheapskate

We have 2 DGS, one is 12 and lives in our town, the other nearly 4 and about 1/2 hour drive away, but we see very little of them - not through our doing. DiL went back to work after DgS12, even though she wasn't going to, we weren't in a position to help as I was heavily pregnant with DS who's now 11. DiL's mum has essentially taken over much of their life, but they let her and then moan to me! She does spoil DgS in many ways, which grates with DS, but DiL lets her mum do it! We love to see him, but it's only ever at family dos. DD's a SAHM, but still we see little of her lad. I feel sad about the situation, although I always made it clear that I'd have them in an emergency but not as regular childcare - maybe that's my fault?

A xo

fuddle

I don't think it's your fault at all. DH and I never burdoned with our kids. The offer was never there and we never asked. We've been irked that MiL allows herself to be put upon and that DHs sister takes advantage of her nature but now we're through the other side we can see that the gran/dranddaugher relationship has been skewed. It's a weird relationship they have. It's like mother/daughter but without the respect element. They argue like a married couple, tired of each other.

For me, the thought of having Mil or even my Mam healthy and OK, parenting my children isn't a good thought. That's my role, my influences and my teachings. I'm glad I've never got into that kind of scenario. What made Mil choose to help her daughter and not us lingers like the elephant in the room. That's more damaging than an outright refusal.

I would help my children out, because I want to help my children out but having my own chidlers made me lose my patience for working in Primary Schools. The thought of being retirement age or there abouts being Mam again is a horrid thought, I have to be honest, especially as I've seen how it can effect the real proper grandparent/grandchildren bond. I'd love to baby sit, I'd positively looooooove to babysit! but anything more although I would really want to help my girls if they were stuck. I see trouble ahead :rotfl:

VJsmum

We didn't have the option either - my parents were too far away and too ill and MiL worked for the first few years of DD's life and then moved away. Very occasionally she would step in - in an absolute emergency but i can recall only one or two times (i.e. when i had an overseas trip to make). We were fortunate enough to earn a salary that meant childcare was affordable, and the kids went to a childminder 2 days a week. Also, being a lecturer was fairly flexible - if not actually in the classroom I was ok to work at home.

My kids rank themselves on the 'grandchild' scale with MiL. She has 6 grandchildren in three lots - boy, girl; girl, boy (my two); girl, boy - now aged 30, 28, 22, 19, 16, 14. My DS (19) is fairly high up the grandchild scale as he drives her about a bit and visits her for a pub meal. he was top grandson for a bit, but now the 30 year old's wife is pregnant so thinks he might have dropped. Top grandchild will always and forever be my niece (28)...:rotfl: especially since she gave birth to the great-grandchild... DD reckons she will forever be at the bottom as she finds MiL difficult. Mild racism and sexism doesn't sit well with her...

Floss

When I had the boys my parents were both still working, but ex-inlaws (outlaws?:)) were both early retired...They helped out but only when my p/t hours & ex's shifts clashed and at half-terms. By the time I was full time ex was at uni and when we split up the boys were old enough to leave & have grandparents "pop in", a bit like JackieO does on the Daily

[Deleted User]

All my grandparents on both sides were dead before I was born and although my dad had one brother and my mum had three brothers and two sisters I only met a few of them a couple of times when I was very young, the exception was the aunt who reluctantly had me forced on her as a four year old when my mother was hospitalised for a year with tuberculosis. Pillar to post among aunt and her friends and unwanted by any of them I still remember it!


My girls saw their maternal grandad and his second wife and saw both paternal grandparents and got on well with both sets until they started secondary school when the paternals decided they didn't like children at all and rather withdrew.


My grandpickles are the delight of my life, they are loved by us and their paternal grandparents in equal measure I can't get enough of them but even I have to admit that living at this distance from them and only seeing them for any time at all when they are ill and my DD needs cover is sometimes a little tiring, physically and mentally but I go when I'm needed and love the boys just the same. I would like more of them in my life much more often and that's why we're moving, bring it on!

maryb

I want a grandbaby!! No sign of any moves in that direction from either of the DDs:( Just as well in DD2's case as she hasn't finished her Masters yet let alone got a job or her own place

ivyleaf

We certainly couldn't look after our DGC every day as some grandparents seem to! But DD2 only asks us when she's stuck. We have them after school now and then, just for a couple of hours until their mum gets home, when their dad is working.
I don't particularly like other people's children either, I can never think of anything to talk to them about, yet I've produced 2 daughters who both enjoy working with children. Oh, and the grandchildren don't count as "other people's children" , I can usually find plenty to say to them

LameWolf

Well, I would happily look after a dozen dogs if asked to do so, but I will not look after children. I know my limitations, and it would be unfair on both me and the poor unfortunate child.

[Deleted User]

Dogs though Wolfy are an altogether different thing and best experienced in large numbers, Oh all that licking and ear scratching and being leaned on and the ecstatic licking of noses while having a backy skritch! heaven on earth for the lucky human in the middle! I was there yesterday morning when I walked with Maisie and mum, we met a very exuberant staffie who was walking with a wolfhound cross lurcher and a small chiuaua (spelling?) , were joined by 2 border collies, one on a lead and one off, spaniels came to say hello, on their own goodness knows where mum was but they were very nice and Maisie too. doesn't get any better than that!

mardatha

I suppose it hasn't helped that I was working fulltime nights until I was 55, and I lived a good 40 mins bus journey away from my daughter.
MrsL I can remember being dumped on my dad's family when I was 4/5. My mum had to have a big operation and I had to stay with my granny then my aunty for ages. I remember nobody ever cuddled me or put an arm around me when I cried for my mum lol. Still yet, at the age of 68!
EDITED- lol I mean I still remember it, not that I still cry for her!