Break up - Selling house advice

AnotherJoe

Matthew969 wrote: »

Sorry I'm not going to quote but i'll pick up on a few responses.

I know this is not a relationship board but it kind of ties in with my issue with the house. With regards to not proposing, I committed alot by securing a property with her. Marriages are expensive and at the moment I am not ready for marriage. She's only 28. I can't believe people think that at that age, just because your boyfriend has not proposed, it's a valid reason to break up. It seems kind of selfish in my eyes. She didn't propose either but as we are young homeowners who don't live party lifestyles, we have so much time to arrange that.

She didn't want a dog at first because she thought it would be too much to handle and soon realised that she was wrong. She's just naturally not a dog person. Every person is different and in my case, I need time to figure out how I can find the best solution for myself and find a new property.

That says it all.

You know that phrase "its not you" ? - in this case, it doesn't apply.

ViolaLass

Matthew969 wrote: »

Marriages are expensive and at the moment I am not ready for marriage.

Weddings can be expensive (but don't have to be). Being married costs nothing.

The fact that you're not ready is relevant but you can't blame her for moving on if it was that important to her.

gingercordial

OP, there doesn't have to be a "reason" (a new lover, lack of a proposal, cheating, gambling or whatever) for someone wanting to leave a relationship. Sometimes it just isn't right. Once you know it isn't right it is time to move on. So don't obsess that it's because perhaps she has found someone else (maybe she has changed her phone password because you know you'll try to spy on her - which you must have done if you've tried to get into it and found it changed!) or because you didn't propose. She just doesn't see herself with you long-term.

Honestly, good for her for being brave enough to realise this and act on it. Too many people stay in relationships that don't work because they're too scared to hurt the other person or go it alone or deal with difficult stuff like joint property - and that is when they end up miserable and tempted to cheat. It really is better to split.

The difficulty is of course that she has probably realised this a while ago and spent some time struggling with the decision, plucking up the courage to end it, but of course in that time has been able to get used to the concept of breaking up in her head. You have not had that opportunity and it is a shock. Fair enough. However...

Matthew969 wrote: »

I need the time to mentally recover and think about the best situation for myself.

You will not mentally recover by sharing the same house. You just will not. You'll be seeing her every day, trying to live like flatmates where once you were a couple, buying separate food and so on. Arguing all the time. And what if she does meet someone new (which she is entitled to do now she is single!) and brings them back? You'll feel even worse.

You don't have to be out tomorrow, and indeed take your time to find the right place for you and the dog, but don't drag your heels just to punish her. Get out as soon as is practically possible. It will be much better for you I promise.

Keezing

She's not leaving you because you didn't propose to her. She's leaving you because she doesn't love you.

Staying with someone who doesn't love you will only erode your self esteem and lead to sadness.

Count yourself lucky that you're NOT married and don't have kids.

You'll find a place for you and the dog to live.

Take a deep breath. Everything will be fine.

amnblog

I think you are on the wrong forum Matthew.

You need to talk to someone before this gets horrendous for everyone.

macca1974

i agree with all of the above, the best thing that you can do is sell up, go your separate ways etc

On the other hand, you do own a chunk of the house, so if you refused to sell it then there is nothing that can be done unless your ex takes you to court. That could turn out to be ruinously expensive for both of you and will in no way aid you mentally or financially.

charco

Simple solution -

Agree to selling on the basis she pays the estate agency fees and you get 30% of the sale price (before fees). Seems like a good compromise.

Whether or not she's met someone else is by the by. It's a sore one but better it happens now than 10-20 years down the line. You'll move on and meet someone lovely, or live a nice life with your dog.

Tahlullah

Somehow, on reading this, I imagine I can hear your ex's body clock ticking from here!

Some women have a vision of what they want their life to be. That includes the house with the white picket fence, the husband, the dog and the children playing in the garden.

Your ex may be one of these people. You say that she was moved / jealous by her friend who is getting married. If so, you should have read the writing on the wall. A mortgage does not cut it if you are looking for marriage and children.

Exactly how many years longer are you expecting her to wait for you to get to the point where you feel you are ready to 'settle down'? 5, 10 more years? And what happens if she waits for you? She may be 35? 40? And what about her healthy child bearing years which have flown by? Do you think you have it in your power to return those to her if, for some reason, you suddenly decide that you don't want to get married and have kids after all?

She is doing the right thing for her. People take out mortgages all the time. A mortgage is no sign of commitment, it just shows that you have good financial sense - rather than renting long term.

It takes a long time to get over a relationship breakdown, sometimes a couple of years to find yourself. Then, you have to get back into the dating arena, something she has been out of for 10 years. And in those 10 years, many of the eligible men will have themselves got married, with kids of their own and are perhaps coming out of those marriages after breakdown. Then she has to convince this man, who already has his own (welcomed and wanted at the time) baggage, to start all over again with her. I can imagine that many men would say no, once was enough.

So, looking at this form her side, she is the biggest loser. She may not find someone with whom to have a stable loving relationship and to have kids with for many more years. And the whole time her body clock is ticking.

And all you can think of is your mortgage and making her suffer more than she already is.

Let her go. Sell, walk away and let her try and salvage what is left of her life.