Break up - Selling house advice

Matthew969

Hello everyone,

A bit of advice please. I'm 30 and me and my girlfriend of 10 years bought a house together 3 years ago. The house we live in is very nice and was out of our budget but she loved it so much her parents helped with the extra to seal the deal, so in effect she's put in like 70% to my 30%. I signed an agreement that should we sell the house I will only get back what I put in and not leech 50% off what her parents put in. I'm fine with that.

We've had a few arguments recently and she has suddenly said she wants to break up as she is not happy. I've not cheated, gambled or physically harmed her, so it was a massive shock and totally upset me. We have a labrador (which she has minimal love for) who I love to pieces .

She now wants to sell the house asap and move on. I feel gutted and conned that, I went along with her vision to get a house together and now for some reason she wants to give it all up. I'm paranoid that she is seeing someone else (shes changed the password on her phone), and with the extra value she will recieve back from he house, will have no problem moving on. Myself on the other hand, I'm in a diffuclt situation. I cannot sell this dog (only thing making me happy right now) and it's very tough to find affordable and suitable accomodation in London for him.

Basically, what I want advice with, is how can I make this process really difficult for her? I will refuse to sell as long as it takes just for the simple fact that I feel she has used me and she knows she is in a better position. I sleep in the spare bedroom and I pay my half of the bills. I just don't have anywhere to go at the moment and it's quite depressing. To sum up:

-Girlfriend sold me a dream to move into a house
-Girlfriend is no longer happy and wants to sell the house
-I am responsible for the dog and have nowhere else to go at this moment in time
-I don't want to move out just yet, I want to move out on my terms (If this takes 12 months then it takes 12 months), I need a lot of time to mentally recover.
-I want advice on how to draw out this process as long as possible. Shes stressed me out over this so much, so I think she deserves some stress back.

I'm not an evil or malicious person but I don't like feeling that I have been used until something apparetely better comes along.

getmore4less

Lets start with the agreement,

what does it say?

Also what cash did you each put in and how was the mortgage split.

Jkbc90

I'm not sure if you're wanting mortgage advice or revenge on your ex?

I won't be giving any advice on how to make things difficult as this isn't what this board is for and quite frankly that is only one side of the story. I personally would try and be civil and sit down and work out where you would both stand when walking away from the mortgage. I can't see how being stuck in what sounds like a hostile situation for 12 months would help you mentally recover.

AnotherJoe

Seems to me you are depressed and therefore irrational. Your idea would make the situation worse for both of you and FWIW would only confirm to her that she made the right choice to split given how nasty you've become.

You need to work out how to get yourself into a better place both physically and mentally and that doesn't include being vindictive.

If you both work was it wise to get a dog ? Presumably you are leaving it alone all day ?

Instead of brooding how she has spent at least three years conspiring against you, spend that time productively to find a rental place that will take a dog, or perhaps a family that will take a rescue lab that will look after it better than you can.

And work on selling up as soon as you can and make a clean break, this forum has plenty of sad tales of people who split up and didn't separate their finances and that's caused all sort of issues longer term.

glosoli

Easy to say I guess but grow up and man up. If things are unconcilable with no way back then a clean break is in both of your interests. Move into rented accommodation if you can't afford to buy another place.

Matthew969

Appreciate the responses.

I need to read the agreement again but the gist is we get the % of the equity we put in so it's fair.

This was all so sudden for me and I was not prepared for it. Lets say she found someone else, when we sell up she can off with him without a care in the world. I don't have that option. I need the time to mentally recover and think about the best situation for myself. It won't be as quick as she wants it but this is my life too.

I work from home so yes getting a dog was wise. I didn't see us breaking up despite our arguing which is natural in in relationships.

I will not let go of my Lab because of this. I love him too much and he's the only thing that makes me happy. If it takes me longer to find suitable accomadation because of this, so be it.

Just so people are clear, the main reason for this split is beacuse I haven't proposed to her yet after 10 years and she feels she is running out of time to get married.

My aim is not to be vindictive, it's to give myself the maximum time to work out my options instead of going along her time just because she has herself already sorted.

ViolaLass

How has she used you? Her parents' money made the house possible (and they may want it back). You've both benefitted from this house.

AnotherJoe

Matthew969 wrote: »

Appreciate the responses.

I need to read the agreement again but the gist is we get the % of the equity we put in so it's fair.

This was all so sudden for me and I was not prepared for it. Lets say she found someone else, when we sell up she can off with him without a care in the world. I don't have that option.

Well tough luck. And you certainly wont have that option if you spend the next year plotting and moping, you'll be worse off, you'll be writing off a whole year of your life off deliberately, just for spite and making yourself a much less pleasant person to be with. A year of self-imposed spite will have an effect on you.

I need the time to mentally recover and think about the best situation for myself. It won't be as quick as she wants it but this is my life too.

You wont be mentally recovering whilst sharing a house and glowering at each other at the time and planning your next delaying tactic.

I work from home so yes getting a dog was wise. I didn't see us breaking up despite our arguing which is natural in in relationships. Fair enough that info was not in your OP.

I will not let go of my Lab because of this. I love him too much and he's the only thing that makes me happy. If it takes me longer to find suitable accomadation because of this, so be it. Then focus on finding that instead of deliberately delaying the sale. Sales take long enough as it is, and when the potential buyers find out its a splitting up couple many will rightly run a mile.

Just so people are clear, the main reason for this split is beacuse I haven't proposed to her yet after 10 years and she feels she is running out of time to get married.

Sounds like your fault to a point then (though she could also have proposed, did she?) and you turn the blame back on her. This isnt the relationships board and you should have posted there (where i think you'd also get short shrift) but if you were together for ten years and owned a house for three and still weren't sure enough to propose, I cant blame her.

My aim is not to be vindictive, it's to give myself the maximum time to work out my options instead of going along her time just because she has herself already sorted.

Read your initial post. The venom is dripping off the page. You are bitter she might even have found something now, yet you weren't sure enough about it to propose, so why have a beef ?

As someone else said, man up and move on. You certainly wont be in a position to "mentally recover" if you spend the next year scheming.

Danni-R

Matthew969 wrote: »

Appreciate the responses.

This was all so sudden for me and I was not prepared for it. Lets say she found someone else, when we sell up she can off with him without a care in the world. I don't have that option. I need the time to mentally recover and think about the best situation for myself. It won't be as quick as she wants it but this is my life too.

I think you're focusing on the maybes and the what ifs. She might not have someone else but you're willing to ruin what you have so she can't run off with this mythical man. And I think she will have a care in the world. She's ended a 10 year relationship too. Its unlikely she did that on a whim. Also, why were you so in love with her but haven't proposed yet?

Please don't forget that 2 months ago you loved her. Don't be worried about the speed of things. I don't know if you know this but selling a house etc isn't a quick thing.

getmore4less

Matthew969 wrote: »

Appreciate the responses.

I need to read the agreement again but the gist is we get the % of the equity we put in so it's fair.
.

That often ends up being wrong if you just look at cash inputs and does not take account of the mortgage and how that is split.

We have a labrador (which she has minimal love for) who I love to pieces .

from what you have said you got a dog where she would have prefered not to have one

looks like she is not happy with your new lover.

Just so people are clear, the main reason for this split is beacuse I haven't proposed to her yet after 10 years and she feels she is running out of time to get married

suspect the warning signs have been there for a while and you just missed them this should not be a surprise.

Matthew969

Sorry I'm not going to quote but i'll pick up on a few responses.

I know this is not a relationship board but it kind of ties in with my issue with the house. With regards to not proposing, I committed alot by securing a property with her. Marriages are expensive and at the moment I am not ready for marriage. She's only 28. I can't believe people think that at that age, just because your boyfriend has not proposed, it's a valid reason to break up. It seems kind of selfish in my eyes. She didn't propose either but as we are young homeowners who don't live party lifestyles, we have so much time to arrange that.

She didn't want a dog at first because she thought it would be too much to handle and soon realised that she was wrong. She's just naturally not a dog person. Every person is different and in my case, I need time to figure out how I can find the best solution for myself and find a new property.