Divorce/separation/house sale advice please

2017Amanda

I'm in the early process of attempting to split with my husband after 12 years of marriage. It's myself who has initiated this, and my husband is not in agreement, as he is worried about the negative effect this would have on our children, and that they would not get as much, financially, as what they do now, due to both of us having to pay separately for bills, council tax, rent/mortgage.
Neither of us have cheated. I feel we have just grown apart. He can be very controlling, and manipulative, and I'm not in love with him as I used to be. I have felt this way for over three years, but have stayed, due to the impact separation would have on our kids, but I now don't feel I can do this anymore. I have to move on.
My original plan was to find somewhere to rent, and move out. Then to sell the house, and with whatever money we have after the sale of the house, we would both, hopefully be able to put down a deposit on our own house. However, the houses for rent in my area are expensive and, financially, at least, it would be better if we could stay under the same roof, until the house is sold. I don't know if this will be possible though.
We own our house, jointly, and have lived here for five years. The house, when we bought it, was valued at 110,000, and we managed to get it for 100,000 so 10,000 less than the asking price. We got a 95% mortgage (95,000) and we have 84,774.34 left to pay on the mortgage as of this morning. My husband states that by selling now, we would lose money. Does anyone know if this is true?
I'm also currently looking at our debts and trying to see how we could minimise these. I'm hoping we can both take out a money transfer credit card, and pay off half the debt each, and then pay our own half back over a longer period.
Advice on how to tell the kids as well? My oldest is almost 15, and my younger two will be 12 soon. I feel they are old enough to understand, and they are good kids. I feel that so long as they can see that both myself and their dad are happier, and can get along for their benefit, they will not be as scarred as they might be otherwise. Maybe that's naive of me to think though, and their dad certainly doesn't think this way. He would rather us stay together until the kids are old enough. However, although I used to feel this way too, I now believe that there will never be a good time to tell them, and as selfish as it is, I can't go on being unhappy. My son will have exams starting next year, and my younger two will be going into first year, which is a big thing too. I would rather have all the kids settled before this, to lessen any detrimental effects on any of them.

Savvy_Sue

The first thing to ask is whether you (together or apart) have tried any relationship counselling. I think that's particularly important if you're not in agreement that the marriage is over: possibly - perhaps not likely - you'll come to see that it would be worth working things out, but if not - hopefully more likely - he'll come to see that you've tried, but it's just not going to work.

2017Amanda wrote: »

He can be very controlling, and manipulative,

If this is the way he is, then you need to keep that in mind, all the time.

2017Amanda wrote: »

financially, at least, it would be better if we could stay under the same roof, until the house is sold. I don't know if this will be possible though.

I'm pretty sure it will be extremely difficult ...

2017Amanda wrote: »

We own our house, jointly, and have lived here for five years. The house, when we bought it, was valued at 110,000, and we managed to get it for 100,000 so 10,000 less than the asking price. We got a 95% mortgage (95,000) and we have 84,774.34 left to pay on the mortgage as of this morning. My husband states that by selling now, we would lose money. Does anyone know if this is true?

No, none of us know if this is true or not. It depends on so many factors: where in the country you are, what state the market is in there, what state the house is in, whether it's in a good catchment area for schools, whether there are any planning developments which would affect its value etc etc etc.

But there's one very easy way to find out: ask an estate agent or three to come round and give you a valuation. Ask if there are things you could do which would increase its value by more than they would cost - a new bathroom or kitchen is unlikely to do so, but ensuring any odd jobs / minor repairs are sorted should be worthwhile!

You could also ask your husband to explain why he thinks you would lose money. He may be wrong, or he may be being controlling and manipulative.

2017Amanda wrote: »

I'm also currently looking at our debts and trying to see how we could minimise these. I'm hoping we can both take out a money transfer credit card, and pay off half the debt each, and then pay our own half back over a longer period.

Your main problem here, as I see it, is that your husband doesn't want the split. You definitely should be looking at the debts, and working out which are in joint names, which in your name, and which in his. While it's a good idea to try to split them so that you don't get landed with more than half of your joint debts, it may be a difficult 'sell'.

2017Amanda wrote: »

Maybe that's naive of me to think though, and their dad certainly doesn't think this way. He would rather us stay together until the kids are old enough.

Again, I think there's an element of manipulation in this. There is no 'good' time to split, but equally a lot of damage can be done by NOT splitting. 12 and 15 is certainly old enough to understand what's happening, and I'm prepared to bet that they'll have friends whose parents have split up. In my view, honesty is better than pretence, and your children probably know something's not right.

Momlovessavingmoney

Great advice! I agree with you