stepson..girlfriend..2 kids one on the way...we're all sucked into a nightmare !

[Deleted User]

Ok...here we go...stepson (20) has one night stand...girl (18) becomes pregnant has baby boy. She already had a girl aged 16. Gf has been in and out of care throughout her life so has had a difficult upbringing. They have finally got a council flat which is lush. They argue a LOT !! He goes out twice a month and gets bladdered and is a total p***k when he's drunk. She sits indoors all day and hardly ever goes out with the kids even tho there's a creche down the road. He's got a decent job earning £320 a week and she gets benefits. We try and help out as much we can and of course dote on the grandson and the daughter. I've now put my foot down on helping anymore financially as they're old enough to make it themselves as we're not a money pit. We've just been told that she's pregnant again...21 weeks gone...and there's all sorts of crap going on between them and adoption has raised it's head. After watching Long lost Family I can see how 40-50 years ago it was the right thing to do in a lot of ways to help the child have a better upbringing...but I think it's wrong them even thinking about adoption as I think they are opting for an easy way out. The way things are between the two of them who knows she could get pregnant in another years time and what then ? Any advice is welcome...we're just getting tired of these two sucking all of us (family) into their problems that they're making for themselves and hoping that we just bail them out each time !

punk84

your post makes no sense she's. shes 18 but has a 16 year old?

Contessa

The OP's post does make sense. When she was aged 16 the girlfriend had a daughter.

Unfortunately, for all concerned the situation is difficult.

Marvel1

If they want to put the new baby up for adoption that's their choice, not yours.

Voyager2002

There is nothing wrong with taking the "easy way out" if that is the best solution for all concerned.

One practical suggestion: look after the children on a regular basis. You enjoy spending time with them; the stability that you can give them might be of vital importance in their development; that would give the GF a reason to get out of the flat and some space for herself...

And I think that you are right not to hand over cash.

Savvy_Sue

Deleted_User wrote: »

we're just getting tired of these two sucking all of us (family) into their problems that they're making for themselves and hoping that we just bail them out each time !

But they are only able to suck you in because you let them do so.

"Oh no, this has happened, that has happened, what are you going to do to help?" "I'm sorry to hear this and that have happened, what are YOU going to do about it? Sorry we can't help."

FBaby

Taking the decision to go the adoption route is a very emotional and private route. It's hard enough to make that decision without others trying to make you feel guilty for it.

You can't look in the future. If the baby was to be adopted, it might be that they will grow happily with a loving and stable family and if one day will look for their parents, found themselves thankful that they were adopted.

Or they might grow up in a unloving family, desperate to find their blood parents, to discover that despite a difficult start, they have managed to sort themselves out and be a happy and stable family, and will continue life feeling rejected and resentful.

No one can say how it will go, that's why only the directly concerned parents should be the ones making the decision.

Stopping to assist them is the best you can do. It's time they learn to act like responsible adults. By the way, when you say she gets benefits, I assume you mean CB and tax credits, not benefits as a single mother?

chesky

Do they think adoption is an easier route than termination? Or do they have religious objections?

heartbreak_star

Um...maybe some contraception lessons for them as well? I'd suggest a LARC method for her and some condoms for him...

Agree with the above post, look after the kids as much as you can. Sounds like you are the stabilising influence in their lives.

Good luck!

HBS x

hazyjo

Take a step back. He's still acting like a child because he's being treated like one (sorry!).


Let them get on with it. See the kids, but when he/she starts telling you anything about their relationship, money or the like, just say you no longer wish to hear it. Stick your fingers in your ears if you have to!


You sound like my mum with my sister. I'm sure her 3 kids think they have two mums. Not going to go off on a rant about all my mum does for them, but it sends me crazy.


If they go down the adoption route, it will probably be very hard on their relationship. There is no right/wrong. They'll have to make a joint decision on what is best for them as a family.


Don't get so involved in their lives - it's hard, but it's the only way.


Jx

enthusiasticsaver

They don't sound like responsible parents so adoption may be a good route. It is not a question of the easy route out if they feel they are out of their depth and not coping with young children. There are lots of loving couples out there who may be able to give the baby a better life. Living in an environment where the parents argue constantly, the father goes out and gets drunk and the mother sounds apathetic is not a good environment to bring up children.

The best thing you can do is have regular contact with grandchildren and maybe take them out or look after them to give the mum a break. She does not sound like she has had the happiest childhood so no great role model there. Don't offer financial support.

I hope for the childrens sake something is sorted out.