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Old loyalty, new dating and confusion
Riley's_keeper
Posts: 3 Newbie
I come here as I probably need a kick up the bum, I have given some background to the current situation below.
So long story short, I was in a relationship for 9 years and married for 6 of them. A year ago it seemed our marriage had run its course, we have been to counselling over the past months but to no avail and we separated. While trying to tie up the loose ends (house, business arrangements) and sort out what next for us as singles I moved into the spare room, everything has been amicable between us and among our mutual friends we were seen as a solid couple, we had made arrangements to sit down with respective best friends and tell them but then the spanner entered the works.
My ex's best friend announces their engagement, she instantly felt it was now the wrong time to tell of our situation as it would be a distraction they wouldn't need to concentrate on as planning the wedding. This is a person who took two years to accept me being a part of my ex's life and that was a stressful time for me but I stuck it out back then, this is a lovely person but can be hot headed with a mouth to boot.
The ex asked if we didn't say anything about our split until the wedding and honeymoon is over as she didn't want to feel like she had took the shine off the preparations. I stupidly and reluctantly agreed, I thought it would be initially ok and for 6 months this has been the situation bur for the second time I have now been dropped by a potential new partner and this time I am quite gutted for actually helping someone who doesn't have any standing in my life anymore.
The problem is that besides not being able to say anything to anyone I was asked not to change any of my social media status and nor has the ex as this would expose the breakup, I look at this now and wonder why I am doing this as I owe nothing to her, I wouldn't want to worry her Bf either with our situation but MUG springs to mind.
Because of this a date I had a few months ago had looked me up on FB afterwards and although my relationship status isn't public my ex's is and her profile pic includes me which made it look like I was lying to this date, I tried to explain but its a bit heavy to start talking about past relationships with a potential new partner on or after a first date... end of potential relationship.
Roll on to 4 weeks ago and I noticed that a girl from a local shop was taking an interest in me, I felt good and flirted back and although I wasn't sure it eventually transpired she was interested. We swapped numbers and flirted by text, we did say a bit back and forth and she began to admit she had feelings and I let my guard down a little too. We text about how we felt and why also spoke a few times at length on the phone and eventually I said we should go for coffee and meet outside of the working environment.
We set a date for a Monday afternoon, nothing too heavy just coffee and I was to collect her after work, we last spoke on the Saturday evening, during that last call she had asked if I was on FB and I said I was but didn't think anymore of it. I saw her the Monday morning and text her to ask if everything was ok for the later date, her response was a joke about something else but she didn't answer the question and I decided not to push it as I didn't think there was any issue.
So roll on the afternoon and the date didn't happen, I waited for her to text me her address which she didn't, I eventually text her the next morning to say no worries over the missed date and if she didn't want to go she should have just let me know. To be honest I was annoyed and upset at being stood up, she replied and said she had text me the day before to say she couldn't make it due to some issues at home, I didn't get the text and I don't think she sent it as I never not received any other messages.
Since this and for the past week and a bit I have felt like I have been dropped like a hot rock, no flirty texts, no calls, and it wasn't until I saw her a few days later at work I decided to act normal and disaffected.
She has said nothing and although she still texts from time to time it feels very different. I feel lost and not wanting to look needy I feel I cannot ask what has happened as much as I would like to, there was a connection there and for it to change suddenly I feel the curse of the FB has struck again.
I cannot not see this girl as our different jobs bring us together, I want to flirt when she texts but am now thinking of everything I say as I don't know where I stand. I cannot talk to my friends as some are mutual with ex and others know each other and are not aware of the initial split of the marriage, my sister reckons the FB curse has happened again and tells me that its probably best to move on as much as it hurts and not respond to texts straight away or not at all.
My sis is also wary that the new girl could be immature but I disagreed. The fact she still texts confuses me, makes it difficult etc, I am a black or white person and like things to be clear, I don't open up to people as I have been hurt before so this hurts more than normal. I am feeling down, hurt and stupid for opening up to her
This new girl was 25 and I am 35 so a bit of a gap but I also question if I am just out of touch with dating but I am certainly confused feeling hindered by my past and looking for open honest advice.
Thank you
So long story short, I was in a relationship for 9 years and married for 6 of them. A year ago it seemed our marriage had run its course, we have been to counselling over the past months but to no avail and we separated. While trying to tie up the loose ends (house, business arrangements) and sort out what next for us as singles I moved into the spare room, everything has been amicable between us and among our mutual friends we were seen as a solid couple, we had made arrangements to sit down with respective best friends and tell them but then the spanner entered the works.
My ex's best friend announces their engagement, she instantly felt it was now the wrong time to tell of our situation as it would be a distraction they wouldn't need to concentrate on as planning the wedding. This is a person who took two years to accept me being a part of my ex's life and that was a stressful time for me but I stuck it out back then, this is a lovely person but can be hot headed with a mouth to boot.
The ex asked if we didn't say anything about our split until the wedding and honeymoon is over as she didn't want to feel like she had took the shine off the preparations. I stupidly and reluctantly agreed, I thought it would be initially ok and for 6 months this has been the situation bur for the second time I have now been dropped by a potential new partner and this time I am quite gutted for actually helping someone who doesn't have any standing in my life anymore.
The problem is that besides not being able to say anything to anyone I was asked not to change any of my social media status and nor has the ex as this would expose the breakup, I look at this now and wonder why I am doing this as I owe nothing to her, I wouldn't want to worry her Bf either with our situation but MUG springs to mind.
Because of this a date I had a few months ago had looked me up on FB afterwards and although my relationship status isn't public my ex's is and her profile pic includes me which made it look like I was lying to this date, I tried to explain but its a bit heavy to start talking about past relationships with a potential new partner on or after a first date... end of potential relationship.
Roll on to 4 weeks ago and I noticed that a girl from a local shop was taking an interest in me, I felt good and flirted back and although I wasn't sure it eventually transpired she was interested. We swapped numbers and flirted by text, we did say a bit back and forth and she began to admit she had feelings and I let my guard down a little too. We text about how we felt and why also spoke a few times at length on the phone and eventually I said we should go for coffee and meet outside of the working environment.
We set a date for a Monday afternoon, nothing too heavy just coffee and I was to collect her after work, we last spoke on the Saturday evening, during that last call she had asked if I was on FB and I said I was but didn't think anymore of it. I saw her the Monday morning and text her to ask if everything was ok for the later date, her response was a joke about something else but she didn't answer the question and I decided not to push it as I didn't think there was any issue.
So roll on the afternoon and the date didn't happen, I waited for her to text me her address which she didn't, I eventually text her the next morning to say no worries over the missed date and if she didn't want to go she should have just let me know. To be honest I was annoyed and upset at being stood up, she replied and said she had text me the day before to say she couldn't make it due to some issues at home, I didn't get the text and I don't think she sent it as I never not received any other messages.
Since this and for the past week and a bit I have felt like I have been dropped like a hot rock, no flirty texts, no calls, and it wasn't until I saw her a few days later at work I decided to act normal and disaffected.
She has said nothing and although she still texts from time to time it feels very different. I feel lost and not wanting to look needy I feel I cannot ask what has happened as much as I would like to, there was a connection there and for it to change suddenly I feel the curse of the FB has struck again.
I cannot not see this girl as our different jobs bring us together, I want to flirt when she texts but am now thinking of everything I say as I don't know where I stand. I cannot talk to my friends as some are mutual with ex and others know each other and are not aware of the initial split of the marriage, my sister reckons the FB curse has happened again and tells me that its probably best to move on as much as it hurts and not respond to texts straight away or not at all.
My sis is also wary that the new girl could be immature but I disagreed. The fact she still texts confuses me, makes it difficult etc, I am a black or white person and like things to be clear, I don't open up to people as I have been hurt before so this hurts more than normal. I am feeling down, hurt and stupid for opening up to her
This new girl was 25 and I am 35 so a bit of a gap but I also question if I am just out of touch with dating but I am certainly confused feeling hindered by my past and looking for open honest advice.
Thank you
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Comments
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You've split, end of. Tell your friends, your ex can tell hers, doesnt matter whether they're mutual friends, you deserve to be able to move on, not be controlled by your ex.0
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You're making a huge drama out of inconsequential every day events.
1] You've split up with your ex. Nobody but you's "that interested", a quick "Oh we split" will be enough for friends, they'll ask why and you'll say why in about 20 words.... and then the subject will change because ... nobody except you "really cares". To be blunt.
2] New girl... is just "not that much into you". It happens.0 -
You've split up. You don't owe it to your ex to be a great actor for months on end.
And whose relationship is that important that so many people will be devastated and unable to concentrate on someone else's wedding? No-ones.
Tell your ex you're going public.
The only reason not to is it will make your life too difficult financially, in which cas,e move out.Non me fac calcitrare tuum culi0 -
PasturesNew wrote: »You're making a huge drama out of inconsequential every day events.
1] You've split up with your ex. Nobody but you's "that interested", a quick "Oh we split" will be enough for friends, they'll ask why and you'll say why in about 20 words.... and then the subject will change because ... nobody except you "really cares". To be blunt.
2] New girl... is just "not that much into you". It happens.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This... totally.0 -
Tell who you want.
You cannot live YOUR life to suit OTHER people. :eek:You've split up. You don't owe it to your ex to be a great actor for months on end.
And whose relationship is that important that so many people will be devastated and unable to concentrate on someone else's wedding? No-ones.
Tell your ex you're going public.
The only reason not to is it will make your life too difficult financially, in which cas,e move out.0 -
I think there's more than this than meets the eye. You're seriously helping out your ex who wants her best friend not be distracted from her wedding preparations. Really?
Your ex wanted the split and should be grown up about it and not hiding behind her friends to stop you having a life of any sort. You're behaving very bizarrely and as I said more to this than meets the eye. Has to be.Master Apothecary Faranell replied, “I assure you, overseer, the Royal Apothecary Society dearly wishes to make up for the tragic misguidance which ended so many lives. We will cause you no trouble. We seek only to continue our research in peace".0 -
No matter your facebook statsu I'd run a mile from someone still livng with their ex. It screams cheater.
I don't think facebook is your biggest problem here. You need somewhere else to live.2021 GC £1365.71/ £24000 -
BrassicWoman wrote: »No matter your facebook statsu I'd run a mile from someone still livng with their ex. It screams cheater.
I don't think facebook is your biggest problem here. You need somewhere else to live.
Id have to disagree with this actually. My OH is still living in the same house as his ex. The decree nisi went through last year and the courts are still dealing with the financial stuff. However she is well aware of our relationship- I go to the house often enough and we have been on holiday together etc. Now where does this scream of cheating?0 -
You're being manipulated.
Get the truth out there.0 -
You agreed to put your life on hold for how long? A year? 18 months? Just so your ex's special snowflake friend could not be distracted from her wedding planning? Something doesn't ring true here. Get yourself out of the house (you've had six months now to sort out the financial elements) and tell people.0
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