Struggling to cope with my boyfriend's feelings for his ex...

trey101

Some of you on here might know my story. I'm a gay male in a relationship with a bisexual male. We're coming up to our first year anniversary. He was previously in a long-term relationship with a woman before we got together.

For those of you who remember me, I had some trust issues with my man since discovering several emotionally charged messages between him and his ex. It caused me to keep snooping at his phone and Facebook for evidence that he was still in love with her. This morning I found my proof... Devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I feel...

I haven't confronted him yet... It pains me to type this out, but basicially he said to her that it was hard not to cry sometimes just thinking about her and missing her so much. That he misses her so much at times that it's unbearable just remembering everything about her. That she is a perfect person. That she brought joy, meaning and purpose to his life and he is scared he will never have it again. That he was in tears while writing to her.

She was being supportive to him and asked if he doesn't have that kind of relationship with me. Then he said he 'didn't know' and that it wasn't bad between us, just 'different'.

He then told her he has so much regret, doubt and feels helpless and alone. He said he hasn't told anyone about this. He thinks about it everyday and feels sad but just hides it. He also mentioned that he couldn't talk to me about this because I wouldn't understand and I'd be hurt. Well I am!!

He said at one point if he could change everything so he could be happy, his happiness wouldn't be worth what would have to change because it would ruin other peoples lives. So from that it seems like he doesn't want to break up with me because he doesn't want to hurt me. That really sucks to know that and it breaks my heart that THAT is the only reason he is still with me.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't work... I don't know what to do. Support and advice would be appreciated.

comeandgo

I remember some of your previous posts. I just can't believe what a snoop you are, does your boyfriend know that you are looking at his private stuff? If someone did that to me, it would be bye bye.

unholyangel

Stop snooping for a start (which I believe several posters told you in your previous postings).

If you can't trust him, its doomed to fail/be full of misery or conflict. No matter how much you want to be with someone, sometimes its just not a good idea.

I've never been worried about being cheated on - not because I think it will never happen to me, just because I take the viewpoint that if they're going to cheat, there is nothing you can do to stop them and being insecure is only likely to encourage it to happen. Yes I'd be devastated if it actually happened, but I'll cross that bridge when I need to and not before.

FBaby

You had your doubts. You were not naive or in denial you made a thoughtful choice to give the relationship a chance.

Of course it hurts deeply and that just can't be avoided. You'll have to go through it but don't feel bad about the choices you've made. You did nothing wrong.

meer53

Just because a relationship ends doesn't always mean people stop caring about others. Especially ones they've had a close relationship with.

Stop snooping and let things take their course. If it's meant to be it will be. Your snooping will kill it.

elsien

I do have to ask how many times you're going to go round in these circles before you either say something or let it go. Much of the comment on the last thread is probably still relevant - I'm not sure what advice you want this time that hasn't already been said.

KRB2725

This is not going to end well. You don't trust him and he has feelings for his ex. Whether or not they come to anything doesn't matter, he was not and still is not ready to move on.

I'd end it now rather than prolong the agony.

BucksLady

I could never stay in a relationship with someone who didn't love me as much as I loved them. It would tear me to bits, just like what is happening to you. OP, you can't change the way someone feels about someone else - as much as you might want to. Maybe it is time to move forward with your life.

Marvel1

I for one don't blame you for snooping when you have doubts/become suspicious and need the proof, I did it, and I ended it, she tried to spin it on me for looking and then aplogise but was having none of it.

My advice, you are the rebound person, break up and move on.

Red-Squirrel_2

I've not read your previous threads, but I can't imagine why anybody would want to stay in a relationship after reading that. Did you not just instantly start packing your bags?

beautiful_ravens

trey101 wrote: »

Some of you on here might know my story. I'm a gay male in a relationship with a bisexual male. We're coming up to our first year anniversary. He was previously in a long-term relationship with a woman before we got together.

For those of you who remember me, I had some trust issues with my man since discovering several emotionally charged messages between him and his ex. It caused me to keep snooping at his phone and Facebook for evidence that he was still in love with her. This morning I found my proof... Devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I feel...

I haven't confronted him yet... It pains me to type this out, but basicially he said to her that it was hard not to cry sometimes just thinking about her and missing her so much. That he misses her so much at times that it's unbearable just remembering everything about her. That she is a perfect person. That she brought joy, meaning and purpose to his life and he is scared he will never have it again. That he was in tears while writing to her.

She was being supportive to him and asked if he doesn't have that kind of relationship with me. Then he said he 'didn't know' and that it wasn't bad between us, just 'different'.

He then told her he has so much regret, doubt and feels helpless and alone. He said he hasn't told anyone about this. He thinks about it everyday and feels sad but just hides it. He also mentioned that he couldn't talk to me about this because I wouldn't understand and I'd be hurt. Well I am!!

He said at one point if he could change everything so he could be happy, his happiness wouldn't be worth what would have to change because it would ruin other peoples lives. So from that it seems like he doesn't want to break up with me because he doesn't want to hurt me. That really sucks to know that and it breaks my heart that THAT is the only reason he is still with me.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't work... I don't know what to do. Support and advice would be appreciated.

How on earth could the two of you come back from this?
You're in a relationship where one of you can't get over their ex and the other can't stop spying. Its not happy or healthy, so it shouldn't really be happening.

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