Feeling ashamed and devastated

LadyP01

Hi onmyway. I wanted to post and give you some support but also iv been in your husbands situation.

My oh got into debt and kept it a secret until the payday loans got on top of him. His parents bailed him out and he was back at 0. He then mounted the debt up again and someone else bailed him out on the understanding if it happened again he was on his own. All of this was without me knowing. He tried to keep it from me. He then got into debt a third time and i bailed him out (bailing him out is actually some of the debt im working to get gone) hes now in debt AGAIN and he hasnt told me but iv seen the pay day loans etc.
My personal decision was not to confront him but as im on a debt free journey my hoping is that by me cutting my spending it will in turn make him spend less and maybe he will have a LBM and get himself out of the debt and feel empowered.

Your husband probably feels like its your problem to deal with because you didnt confide in him before he found out. He will trust you again i said the same thing to my oh. Debts not good im in debt myself and i make this clear to my oh but im making repayments on time and i have no payday loans where as his were the worst debt it can be.
Personally all i want to see is him owning his debt responsiblitys and activly paying it back. Everytime i see him buy a takeaway for no reason, a new game or clothes or just going out drinking to much the trust drops as thats not actively working on your debt. All your husband needs to see is you really owning it and trying and all the trust will come back.
The more you try and your open and honest and say sorry i cant do dinner tonight as my budget doesnt allow he will be supportive and make changes himself to support your budget.

Hope this point of view from your husbands side helps. I dont judge my oh for being in debt but it does hurt me when i see him not working hard to get out of it.

MEM62

sourcrates wrote: »

To me it reads as through the husband is a bit of a control freak

Second occasion and £20K of debt. In similar circumstances maybe my initial reaction would also be that of a control freak. Maybe I would even have taken a hike. Of course, we all react differently but I would struggle with this - certainly initially.

Of course we do not know the full circumstances of how the first occasion was dealt with and what support the OP received in terms of finance, advice and also emotional support. Perhaps OP's OH put heart and soul into it and therefore feels particularly betrayed. It may also be the case that little support was offered and it was therefore inevitable that the OP would eventually find themselves in the same situation at some point. Either way we cannot make a judgement on that.

OP, I hope that your OH can come to terms with this and that the two of you can resolve this and move on. I think it will take some soul searching and work by both of you. You will receive good advice from the people here on dealing with the financial side once you have posted your SOA.

Heather2603

Whilst I'm not advocating hiding debt from your husband I'd want to look into the whys? You say it has not been frivolous spending just day to day stuff that's needed. If that is the case then I think you need to sit down and look at your finances together and agree a plan of action. If you've got nothing to show for this money it would imply as a family you are living beyond your means.

Do you guys have a joint account? Does your husband have money to fritter away each month whilst you are building up debt? In our house everything is pooled, husband wouldn't run up debt I wouldn't know about and vice versa. Surely if you are continually building debt because you cannot afford your expenses then it is time for you guys to redress the situation and work together to fix it. For me that would be a pool of all finances and a structure to repay these debts together.

enthusiasticsaver

You obviously have separate finances, I assume because your husband is unwilling to have totally joint ones which would be the fairest way of distributing income and expenses as long as one of you is not an extravagant spender. You have said you are not but £20k is a considerable amount to build up over a few years so this either means your expenses for food and children are considerably more than your income or you do spend more than you think you do. Childrens expenses can sometimes include childcare which is expensive and if food shopping is done without meal plans and wastefully this can build up. If you post an soa this will be more obvious.

I am not sure what to tell you about rebuilding trust. As you have done this twice if you were my partner I would be reluctant to trust you too. I think you need to make a plan, show him how the debt arose (ie keep a spending diary) and get rid of credit cards and much more focussed on budgeting. He may be being very unfair if your part time income is only a few hundred and you are having to pay childcare and the food bill for a large family and clothing for small children plus debt repayments.

If the debt is all in your name you can consider a DMP if you are paying interest on it all which would at least get the interest frozen and set a monthly repayment figure within your budget. This would stop you robbing Peter to pay Paul if this is what you are doing.

FBaby

As it's been pointed out, the reason you got into debts are twofold: Either you didn't have enough income to pay for the outgoings you agreed you would pay, or you spent more than you'd agreed you would, or obviously a mix of the two.

For us to be able to advise on how to deal with this from a relationship perspective, you need to share more info.
- How did you agree on who would pay what and did this mean you would end up with a similar disposable income?
- Do you/did you have one joint account where you both transfer money into and that is used for all the bills and the rest is your disposable income or do you have separate accounts and each pay some bills?
- It sounds like you have been using credit cards. Did he know you had these credit cards or did you take them without his knowledge and if so, what did you use them to buy?
- What was the agreement after last time you got into debt and was the total debt?
- was it all repaid the first time and if so how, or does the £20K also include some of that old debt?
- did your circumstances change?

The issue is either one of communication between you, or a spending problem.

Caequinn

Onmyway,

I really feel for you. I can definitely understand your husband's disappointment and anger, but also I don't think it's fair you burden all the blame here. As others have said, it's hard to understand completely without knowing all the 'ins and outs' but I feel there are a few issues here.

1. Reality. Is your part time wage enough to cover your 'allotted' monthly expenses? If not, then your husband needs to know this and cannot blame this on you! You cannot be expected to pay out more than you earn. As others have said, an SOA will help hugely here.
2. Emotional spending. Is this a factor here? If so, this is a bigger marital issue than hiding some overspend. My concern is that his "sort it or I'll leave you" approach may do more harm than good here. We can see his point, but what if this threat just pushes you in the opposite direction and your fear of him leaving you ultimately ends in you spending to make yourself feel better? Unfortunately I know this all too well as I'm a victim to myself when it comes to retail therapy and I am having to work very hard to change my mentality and sort out my debt once and for all.
3. Communication. You both need to work to improve the communication between you. You need to feel you can go to your husband with any worries, money or other, and he should dutifully listen. Of course this works vise versa. Has communication regarding money just completely broken down between you? Work to resolve this together.
4. Resolve. Although, along with sourcrates I'm not a fan of reporting to him every month, in reality debt is something that is only visible on paper. Hence why we all end up in debt! It's so easy to ignore it when you can't see it and making it visible is often one of the first steps in facing up to it. Rather than reporting to your husband with a credit report each month, can you not have a complete financial overhaul for the household? Make up a few spreadsheets covering your personal expenditure, household expenditure etc? If all the facts are accessible to both of you at all times, this is a much more open and honest way to gain his trust without you feeling like you're handing in homework every month? You must be truthful though and in time you will see it improve. Not only will this satisfy your husband's mistrust, it will give you a sense of achievement too and encourage you to improve your own personal finances for the better.

Regardless of the answers above, it is clear that this is causing you a huge amount of stress and that is not good for you, your health or your family. Everybody makes mistakes and repeats them whether they like to admit it or not! So do not feel like you are the only one!
The key here is you really wanting to change your financial lifestyle for yourself, not just because you've been rumbled and feel guilty. If you're ready and in the mindset to change your ways then you are at the beginning of a very exciting road, albeit bumpy sometimes. At the end you'll come out stronger, more focused and switched on. At which point your husband will be very lucky to have you.

Wishing you all the very best, keep us updated. I'd love to hear in a while that you've sorted it all and your marriage is stronger than ever

CQx

hopefulsoph

I have been reading, as your title caught my attention and it got me thinking that no matter what mistakes and choices we make in life no one deserves to feel like this.

You have done really well to post this on here and actually see in script what has obviously been holding you over a barrel for some time! Caequinns response is spot on, and I really feel while you are feeling so rubbish about things you may feel the need to over compensate and appear to be keeping afloat thus accruing debt.

Guilt makes us do very random things, your husband loves you, he may be disappointed but with honesty this time rather than finding out it will feel less of a betrayal (if I remember OP correctly).

My advise to you (for what it's worth) would be to contact a free counsellor to help you figure out how to have this conversation , and deal with some the underlying thought/feelings/behaviours driving the situation.

Good luck and remember to update!

hopefulsoph

Scrap some of that, just re-read post! Doh! I still think talking to someone impartial will help you sort through it and still feel caequinns post is valuable!

I stilll say good luck and update us, all the best!

FatVonD

Just another though, if you have put stuff onto cards that wasn't just everyday expenses maybe having a bit of a clear out and selling some of it and using it to pay down the debt would go some way to showing your husband that you are taking it seriously.