Feeling ashamed and devastated

sourcrates

Livelongandprosper wrote: »

Perhaps your divorce is clouding your judgement here

The op suggested the credit report, nowhere does it indicate that the op's partner has asked for it

I wouldn't say most people lie to their spouse about money either. I could quite sweepingly say most couples share fianances equally, that would also not be true

However I think it would be true to say that anyone finding out their partner was running up debt which could have a devastating effect on theirs and their children's live, would be pretty flamin livid, esp if it was the second time

Maybe I just expect the worst from people then, having been in a similar situation myself, I didn't issue threats, as i knew my own financing situation was a similar quagmire.

Or it could be that I am very independent and the thought of having to explain myself every month to anyone, wound leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

BucksLady

OP, I think you have been extremely brave in posting, but feel that the only person who will be able to answer your question (as to how how to regain your husband's trust) is your husband himself. I can understand his frustration at the debts, but not the fact that he doesn't seem to want to help you resolve matters. It is so sad that you don't seem to be able to approach him and not a sign of a healthy relationship. Perhaps you should throw caution to the wind and simply have a heart-to-heart with him. Maybe then he would view things differently? Whatever the case, I wish you well.

Andehh

sourcrates wrote: »

To be honest your better off without Gestapo man if you ask me.

People get into debt for various reasons, threatening to leave you because of it seems a bit of an over reaction, and your statement above worries me even more.

For a second time she has managed to hide £20k of debt from her husband, and you think he is ''gestapo man''!? A relationship is built on trust, communication, openness, honesty and team work - all of which OP has let him down with.....and you think HE(!!) is the one at fault? OP didn't even come clean with him, he stumbled across it himself. The mind boggles at your logic... :mad:


OP - Get a SOA put together, post it here & let people show you where to cut down. Take this SOA + feedback from here and sit with him and go through it. You need to be open, honest & work with him to solve this. You have seriously got to change your ways though....

StopIt

sourcrates wrote: »

Maybe I just expect the worst from people then, having been in a similar situation myself, I didn't issue threats, as i knew my own financing situation was a similar quagmire.

Or it could be that I am very independent and the thought of having to explain myself every month to anyone, wound leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

I think there-in lies the problem!


A relationship requires some compromise when it comes to independence. After all, if you just done whatever you wanted all the time, you may as well be single! Also, in my honest opinion tackling finance as a team is better than both people just doing whatever, and then ending up in the proverbial.


However, I also don't see this as explaining myself either but simply financial planning. I hope that myself and my partner can take our DD to Crete next year and we have monthly savings targets so we can do so, debt free. Neither of us care what we spend money on, as long as the little one is taken care of, and we meet our targets.


That should be how the OP and their partner approaches things. Set a debt busting target, and aim to beat it. The details, including credit reports and other stuff can be forgotten. As long as you empower yourself to get the debt gone, it'll work out. The OP needs to do this for themselves too, otherwise it will just feel like being controlled and that will end in disaster.

Mojisola

Andehh wrote: »

For a second time she has managed to hide £20k of debt from her husband

I think he's been a bit 'head in the sand' if he has been content to benefit from the debt she's got into again without ever questioning whether their finances were sufficient for their lifestyle.

It's not as if she's been gambling the money away.

nkkingston

Mojisola wrote: »

I think he's been a bit 'head in the sand' if he has been content to benefit from the debt she's got into again without ever questioning whether their finances were sufficient for their lifestyle.

It's not as if she's been gambling the money away.

Yes, this is my first thought. In a household where one partner runs up a lot of debt and the other doesn't notice, there are two possible causes:
1) a spending related addiction (like gambling)
2) the whole household is living beyond their means, and poor financial management means only one partner has born the brunt of it.

It is so, so common on these boards for lower earning partners to come forward with massive debt while the higher earning partners have none. The division of household bills and the expectation of a certain lifestyle have clashed. And, if we're honest, it's so often a female/male divide, partly because of the wage gap, and partly because of the pink tax*. Women pay to subsidised men's lifestyles, and it's a really common kind of domestic abuse - I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but it's something more people really need to be aware of.

Work out a household budget that pools your incomes and your outgoings, instead of dividing them between you. Make sure you include all budget related items, like toiletries, school trips, haircuts, big purchases, clothing budget and so on (he may not see why he should spend his money on your tampons, but they're a household purchase too!). Discuss how you want to divide the money left over as 'fun' money. If both of you feel the debt is your sole responsibility (I don't, but I know that with keeping it secret for so long you might feel like you need to pay penance even if he's benefited from the spending as much as you have) then work out repayments from the money you have left over. If you can't meet those repayments from the 'fun' money, then it's time for another budget summit to look at how to tackle those - does it come out of household money, do you take another job, and so on.

*that is, VAT on things men don't pay VAT on, more expensive clothing that doesn't last as long as men's, more 'toiletries' (with VAT), higher costs for things like haircuts...

Number75

Well, I'm suspicious about the situation.

I was thinking exactly the same as the previous poster on how this is not uncommon in the lower earning spouse.

Why did you get into debt the first time?
Are you actually over spending, or do you genuinely simply not have enough money to meet your needs?
How did it happen again? Presuming you're not overspending, then why didn't the budget that you must have agreed last time work?

Most important for me, is why were you not able to tell him in the first month that you had to turn to a credit card?

If you wasted it on designer heels, then shame on you. Somehow I expect you didn't though.

I'm reminded of a poster I saw on a different forum who was in trouble with her husband for secretly using a credit card. She was responsible for food shopping on her part time wage. He was really nasty if he didn't have all the brands he liked, steak, wine etc... she was in debt because she was scared and in an abusive relationship.

OK, that's extreme and there is scant info here. But - there's something very about the desperate tone about shame and trust that makes me very uncomfortable.

La_escocesa

Hi Onmyway,

So has your debt built up because you've been overspending on frivolous things just for you or is it because you don't earn enough to pay for food and children's expenses? If it's because of your expenses then you need to go through a joint budget with your husband as the current setup is obviously not working for both of you - not just you.

Say your hubby earns double what you earn for example, say he can pay all his bills with no worries and then also has money leftover to spend on whatever he chooses while you are struggling to get the ends to meet... If that is the case then I think he needs a serious reality check.

IMO, all household bills including food and children's expenses should be paid out of the household income (regardless of who earns it).

LabRatty

Hi,
Some good advice above re spreadsheets etc - I keep a record of our expenditure on the family PC and it's there for OH to look at if interested. Although it's my spreadsheet, it's our expenditure and we know we are jointly responsible for it.

I'm interested in the timeline of your problem; £20K has either been built up gradually over a long period or more quickly over a shorter time. If its the first, the stress has been building for you for a while. If the second, you have a more serious overspending problem.

Either way, it's clear that although your OH bailed you out before, no solution to the underlying problem was put in place, hence the same thing happening again.

Ideally, decide on a budget together as others have suggested, and then agree how much each of you is going to contribute to funding it. The best solution would leave you both an equal amount of spare money. If he is not willing to address this underlying issue you may have more than financial problems as a couple.

All the best,
LR

FatVonD

Regarding gaining his trust again, you need complete openness, no hiding statements, in fact why not dig out the old ones and show him what the money was actually spent on?

If as others have said, you have spent it on everyday expenses to feed and take care of your family then maybe he needs to understand that you don't earn enough on a part time salary to be able to manage.

Maybe he doesn't realise how food costs have soared, while it might have been reasonable to think a part time salary could cover those costs ten years ago, for instance, it isn't now and you may need to revisit your agreement. Your children are also older and their needs greater than when you agreed the original split.

If he isn't prepared to take all that on board you could offer to get a full time job to pay for it all and let him pay childcare costs instead.