Feeling ashamed and devastated

Onmyway

A few years ago I hid debt from my husband, I admitted to it and he helped me sort it out. Unfortunately I have managed to get myself into another debt mess. Last night my husband found a credit card statement so confronted me.

He was extremely calm but very clear that if I do not sort myself out and put a plan in place to stop getting into debt he will leave me. He said that he doesn't trust me anymore and will find it difficult to trust me going forward, he wants me to come up with a way of proving to him I won't go back into debt.

I'm utterly devastated - I've been desperate to tell him about the debt but knew what the reaction was going to be - I've been a coward and hid it from him. I am making steps to clear the debt but each month end up running out of money to make ends meet and so borrow to top me up. This topping up has amounted to £20k of debt. I certainly don't live an extravagant lifestyle but still run out of money. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself to get into this mess again.

I think I am ok cutting costs and putting a plan together to save money (cancel non necessary expenses etc) but the advice I need here is how do I build my husband's trust again? I know it will take time but what have others done regarding proving they aren't in debt? Will a credit report be enough each month to show any debts? I'm so scared that I will be in a marriage that is without trust for years - I know this is my own fault but that punishment is unbearable.

Thank you to anyone listening.

StopIt

You must work together, it's that simple.


The fact is that you've hid debt from your partner twice. One mistake is forgivable, repeating it shows you didn't learn the first time. Think from the other point of view. How would you feel if your partner had hid debt from you like this, despite bailing them out before.


What were you spending money on? Instead of getting into debt like before, why did either of you not take steps to prevent it? Your partner may be equally to blame for just assuming that once this debt was cleared, nothing had to change?


How are household expenses handled? Posting an SOA can help us figure out the financial side to help. The trust side? You must work as a team as I said, and treat money as any other part of the relationship, something to tackle together, no hidden debts, no secrets, no lies.

Onmyway

Thanks StopIt, I completely agree with you in all aspects of your reply. I would be equally angry if I was him - hence feeling horrendous about it all.
I only work part time so my husband covers the majority of the expenses. I pay for the food, children''s expenses and a few other bits. He asked the same last night about how it has added up.

I will post an SOA later today.

sourcrates

Onmyway wrote: »

but the advice I need here is how do I build my husband's trust again? I know it will take time but what have others done regarding proving they aren't in debt? Will a credit report be enough each month to show any debts? I'm so scared that I will be in a marriage that is without trust for years - I know this is my own fault but that punishment is unbearable.

Thank you to anyone listening.

To be honest your better off without Gestapo man if you ask me.

People get into debt for various reasons, threatening to leave you because of it seems a bit of an over reaction, and your statement above worries me even more.

StopIt

sourcrates wrote: »

To be honest your better off without Gestapo man if you ask me.

People get into debt for various reasons, threatening to leave you because of it seems a bit of an over reaction, and your statement above worries me even more.

This isn't about debt really, but about trust.


The debt is merely the symptom of a relationship where there's clearly a communication breakdown, or something preventing these people working together properly.


I will take issue with your viewpoint too. To anyone else, sure, they're in no position to judge. However if you're in a relationship with children etc, I'd hope that you'd be able to talk about just about anything, including money worries.


After all, getting into debt doesn't just affect you in this case, but the entire family. Either way, justifying a breach of trust because "Who cares" wont help. I guess you wouldn't take the same view if the breach was of a nature of infidelity etc. If you're capable of lying to your partner about one thing, what else are you lying about?


Again, this works both ways. If the OP's partner is controlling, or otherwise abusing the relationship, money again, is only a side issue.


Either way, I'd be looking at getting external relationship help if you feel it may help as there may be underlying factors to tackle. Again, your partner is not blameless, nor are you solely responsible for solving this. It's a team thing.

Livelongandprosper

The only way to gain his trust, is to clear the debt and to stop getting into debt again

first of all you need to know where your money is being spent, why is it you are living above your means? Is all this debt on personal expenditure? How do you share expenses between you for day to day living ? You need to look at what the normal bills are and what proportion of your income you are both contributing to the pot. If you earn considerably less then him yet contribute the same amount towards the bills, this is where you could be getting yourself into trouble. If this is the case then him taking on putting more into the pot or you reducing the outgoings to a level you can afford is a way forward

You both need to sit down and talk openly and honestly about finances


In our house DH is the wage earner. I earn as an when. His wages pays the electric, oil, rates, and car and house insurances. I pay the groceries, the coal and road tax and it's my earnings I save for Christmas and treats etc. Petrol is paid by whoever, whenever. He buys his own clothes, I buy mine. Big purchases are agreed together and come out of savings. The fact that he puts more into savings then me means nothing, that money was saved for us both

Now we are older we have very little outgoings but we have always managed our money this way. One joint account , one savings, and each have a personal account for our own personal spends. We both know what each other has earned and where the money has gone

Mojisola

Onmyway wrote: »

I am making steps to clear the debt but each month end up running out of money to make ends meet and so borrow to top me up.

Onmyway wrote: »

I only work part time so my husband covers the majority of the expenses. I pay for the food, children''s expenses and a few other bits.

He asked the same last night about how it has added up.

It sounds as if you need to work together as a couple on the bills rather than have 'his and hers'.

If your personal income isn't enough to cover the bills you are expected to pay, why isn't he aware of this?

Get the SOA put up - you'll almost certainly be shown ways to trim your expenditure.

You and your OH need a spreadsheet with all the household costs and income on it. Fill it in regularly and have frequent joint sessions where you both go through it and see where the money is going and whether any changes need to be made.

I can understand him feeling he can't trust you - but I can't understand why you didn't feel able to say to him that you didn't have enough money to pay 'your' bills or why he never asked about whether you were keeping up with the payments.

StopIt

Mojisola wrote: »

It sounds as if you need to work together as a couple on the bills rather than have 'his and hers'.

If your personal income isn't enough to cover the bills you are expected to pay, why isn't he aware of this?

Get the SOA put up - you'll almost certainly be shown ways to trim your expenditure.

You and your OH need a spreadsheet with all the household costs and income on it. Fill it in regularly and have frequent joint sessions where you both go through it and see where the money is going and whether any changes need to be made.

I can understand him feeling he can't trust you - but I can't understand why you didn't feel able to say to him that you didn't have enough money to pay 'your' bills or why he never asked about whether you were keeping up with the payments.

Yep, the whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" thing rarely works in a relationship!


I'd second the spreadsheet idea. It's not as daunting as it sounds and getting a grip on spending with both contributing can be a great help. This should not be left to you to sort out, nor should this be anything to play the blame game over. In a relationship, you're jointly and severally liable for all mistakes

sourcrates

StopIt wrote: »

This isn't about debt really, but about trust.


The debt is merely the symptom of a relationship where there's clearly a communication breakdown, or something preventing these people working together properly.


I will take issue with your viewpoint too. To anyone else, sure, they're in no position to judge. However if you're in a relationship with children etc, I'd hope that you'd be able to talk about just about anything, including money worries.


After all, getting into debt doesn't just affect you in this case, but the entire family. Either way, justifying a breach of trust because "Who cares" wont help. I guess you wouldn't take the same view if the breach was of a nature of infidelity etc. If you're capable of lying to your partner about one thing, what else are you lying about?


Again, this works both ways. If the OP's partner is controlling, or otherwise abusing the relationship, money again, is only a side issue.


Either way, I'd be looking at getting external relationship help if you feel it may help as there may be underlying factors to tackle. Again, your partner is not blameless, nor are you solely responsible for solving this. It's a team thing.

To me it reads as through the husband is a bit of a control freak, I may be wrong, this is just the opinion of a middle aged divorced father of 3.

Your very lucky if you have complete trust in a relationship, most people lie to there spouse, especially where money is concerned, it's true you only really know someone once the relationship is over and you see there true colours, we don't know the full story here, but having to "report to sir" with my credit report every month would certainly set alarm bells ringing for me.

StopIt

sourcrates wrote: »

To me it reads as through the husband is a bit of a control freak, I may be wrong, this is just the opinion of a middle aged divorced father of 3.

Your very lucky if you have complete trust in a relationship, most people lie to there spouse, especially where money is concerned, it's true you only really know someone once the relationship is over and you see there true colours, we don't know the full story here, but having to "report to sir" with my credit report every month would certainly set alarm bells ringing for me.

Ah, to be fair, I'd glossed over the whole "Full financial reporting" bit as it was excessive. Remember that was the OP's suggestion not the partners. if it was, I'd be ringing alarm bells too.


I'd hope most people don't lie to their partners with the regularity you suggest, but then, we have the divorce rate in this country for a reason! I speak from someone in a relationship, and hoping that honesty is a reciprocal thing (Even if said honesty ends me in the dog house at times!)


Again, we only know a scant few details and we are both jumping to judgement, which isn't why the OP is here. We can only help sort the simple stuff, which money is. Alas, this isn't Relationship Saving Expert and I'd be the first to admit I'd be utterly rubbish at that

Livelongandprosper

sourcrates wrote: »

To me it reads as through the husband is a bit of a control freak, I may be wrong, this is just the opinion of a middle aged divorced father of 3.

Your very lucky if you have complete trust in a relationship, most people lie to there spouse, especially where money is concerned, it's true you only really know someone once the relationship is over and you see there true colours, we don't know the full story here, but having to "report to sir" with my credit report every month would certainly set alarm bells ringing for me.

Perhaps your divorce is clouding your judgement here

The op suggested the credit report, nowhere does it indicate that the op's partner has asked for it

I wouldn't say most people lie to their spouse about money either. I could quite sweepingly say most couples share fianances equally, that would also not be true

However I think it would be true to say that anyone finding out their partner was running up debt which could have a devastating effect on theirs and their children's live, would be pretty flamin livid, esp if it was the second time