£16,000 debt, turning regret into positive action.

LadyP01

It's pay day!
Ended the month with £14 left so I'll be adding that onto the debt. I'm really excited about this month as it will see me go down to the 7's which will feel amazing.

Holiday is over now and we kept costs pretty low across the whole weekend, stayed within my budget.
This month I feel needs to be a quiet month might set up a challenge with my partner to only do free things together. I'll speak to him about it.

LadyP01

New month new budget.

Iv been paid and worked out my budget for the month and it's looking good. Still need to speak to the oh about doing a free activities only month which I think could be really fun so maybe lots of swimming as that's free for us in august and walks.

Iv paid off £900 to debt bringing my total down to £7707!!!!!!!! The dream is to get to £1000 debt repayment a month but I can't see it happening as I can't stretch my budget that far at the moment but £900 is a brilliant amount to reach.

This month I'm going to look Into eBay and see if I can make any extra money that way. Iv worked out my repayments for my target of being paid off in may and my last repayment will be £400 in may so my new aim is to see what I can do to get that £400 paid off earlier, it's £44 extra a month so I'm sure I can start closing that gap somehow.

So still feeling amazing about this whole debt busting :j climbing that hill at a steady pace.

LadyP01

Having a bad morning. Feeling like it's all getting on top of me.

I thought my money was all spent at one point as I hadn't put it into its allocated pot yet but sorted it all this morning and it's fine so one relief.

I'm having another debt problem I thought my oh had his light bulb moment when he confided in me over his debts. Obviously I was supportive but ever since I haven't seen a change in his behaviour he's still going out all the time and we have discussion after discussion about priorities. The truth is I feels like there's no commitment to putting our future first. He's just living in the here and now and I'm unsure what to do. I don't want to nag every time he goes out with mates as that's a.not fair and b. Will only end up with a resentment between us and eventually separation. I can't continue watching him go out spending money they needs to go towards our debts and worse I can't be sacrafising everything as a couple to support him for him to then go out with mates and spend it and that's how I see it, us working hard to get it sorted and going without and then him spending all the money he's saved off with his friends. I also know that sitting on it and letting it build up isn't healthy for us either but I don't know what step to take next, iv tried explaining every time that there's no money to go out and show him that There's no money and it ends in an argument so now I'm thinking leave it a few weeks and see what choices he makes but will it work? Is it right? I'm unsure I just don't know what next step to take.

Help from anyone who has been in this situation would be great.

Cherryfudge

I haven't been in your situation but I wanted to offer a bit of support. For a start, you yourself are making good progress (it must have been scary thinking the money had gone but you kept your head and found it - you've got your wits about you).
I'm guessing you and your OH aren't really going out to things together? Therefore him going out with his mates may be some sort of escape/head in the sand/denial. His debts are a bit of a thunder cloud on the horizon - as long as he can't feel the storm, perhaps he's hoping it will go away.

However, thinking longer term, as a couple you will need some sort of social life. Do you have a socialising pot in your budget? And do you have one for you personally? It doesn't have to be huge, but if you know you can get out of the house from time to time it will help. (Sorry, I haven't looked back through your thread and you may already have said).

You are talking of 'our' debts: are they in joint names? This sounds hard but if possible you need to keep your name off his debts if he's making them worse not better. Otherwise you'll be liable, which will put your finances and your relationship under greater strain.

You'll need to chose your time to talk to him. As you say, if you nag when he's about to go out with his friends, it will just create a problem. Maybe you could encourage him to keep a spending diary so he can see where the money is going, or ask him to comment on your spending so he knows it's not just him who is affected.

LadyP01

Hey cherry fudge! Thanks for popping by! Massive help. My close friends advice is confront him but i know that's because there just seeing it from my side and not his and I'm trying to be open minded and see if from both our sides and act accordingly.

Thankfully all our debts separate so neither one of us impacts the other. We also both have a social fund. What's happening is he's overspending on the social fund because adjusting hard.
I understand, if all my friends were going out all the time and I couldn't afford to go I'd be down about it. I'm lucky as my friends are great and if one of us has no money we make plans that are free or cheap. We all have bad months and other commitments and we understand that. Unfortunately my oh friends don't so I feel the pressure on him more.

I get angry when he's over budget and he's still going out with money that can go to his debt as it defeats the object and that's what I'm struggling to deal with. I feel it's my buisness because we're a team with a future but is it my buisness? We live together but share no bills. He spent his social fund on the first week of the month on friends and left nothing for us to even have a coffee or drink at the pub together at any point and this bothers me.

Cherryfudge

He really is thinking it will never come to the crunch, isn't he? Although he knows he has debts, he is getting away with them so far and is happy for that to go on so he doesn't have to change anything. He may also feel he'll lose face if he can't socialise at the drop of a hat.

Sometimes this sort of thinking is founded in how we grew up. I bet his Dad was similar! (Very cheeky of me as I have never met either of them but we default to what we learned subconsciously when we were small). If that's the case, it may be his parents could afford it, were happy with it or lived with debt and he's learned it doesn't have consequences. Well, he thinks it doesn't. Or it might just be that he's scared of looking the numbers in the face and this is a way of avoiding that.

Anyway... you are the one who did the budget and for whatever reason, he's not bought into it. That's hard on you because you can see all the reasons to be careful and the consequences of your choices. Having built in a socialising pot is good because of course you need to keep up friendships, get away from the house etc. Doubly hard when he hasn't left enough in the funds to go out with you. But I don't think he's thought of that. He just expects the money will come from somewhere because that's what's happened so far. Maybe book a date with him right at the beginning of next month so at least you get your time together!

We can't change our other halves. So many people here struggle with the same problem. You have made the budget and it's there for him to use if he choses to: meanwhile stick to yours and perhaps let him hear you celebrate as you pay more off! I'm not sure how you sort out bills as you don't share them (I'm not being nosey) but as long as he is paying his share I don't think that's a worry.

Just one more thought: is there some free or low-cost activity you could both go to? Geocaching or rambling or some such? It would give you time together, a non-pub based group of friends and limit his spending while you're both involved in it!

LadyP01

Hey thank you that makes me feel better I think your right about the buy in, he's says he doesn't believe it's possible to be debt free but I know it is I just want him to believe in me.

Maybe I just need to focus on mine and go ahead with what I'm doing and he needs to make his own decisions.

You were also correct about the parents thing. Both parents have always just spent money as soon as they had it so that's the behaviour he has.
Also we both out in equal amounts to rent and that pays for everything including our food.

There's lots of free things we planned to do. I guess I should see it as I'm saving money aswell, instead of we're saving money so he can go spend that money with other people and save none for me. That's how I see it and I'm being selfish and I know I am.

Cherryfudge

Perhaps when he sees you succeeding in paying off your debt, he will be more hopeful about his? It's difficult to change something until you can see there's a pay-off.

LadyP01

Been missing for two weeks. No big money spending or melt downs. I feel like it's very much second nature now and that I don't feel so anxious about my future as I can see me really getting to debt free freedom.

I decided to come on a post as it's been a while and mortgages propped up again and iv been thinking about my future. It's just nice to come on a remind myself that I am working towards that future. Even if it feels like I won't have the house I want I know that actually I will because I'll be in an amazing position. It's just a waiting game and it's worth waiting for.

I sometimes feel pressure because of my age and not having a house or being married like all my friends are but in reality one of my friends is actually married with a mortgage and kids but that's it. So am I behind? Really? No I'm doing things by my own pace. Just need to remember that

enthusiasticsaver

Don't measure yourself against others. It makes no difference whether your friends are married or own a house or whatever. Just focus on what you can do. You are paying down your debt and learning to live within a budget and saving for things rather than paying on credit. It is worrying your OH is not on board but we cannot change attitudes to money. I would just reiterate what others have said. Don't take out joint debt or joint accounts with him if he is irresponsible with money. It will affect your credit record and some day you might want to buy a house.