Buying together - bit of a shambles

jlaw4

I agree with the other replies however, i have a similar situation.

My family are gifting some of the deposit to us and then we are putting £14K in ourselves. He doesn't like that my family are helping us so much and he can't do anything more but we sat down and worked it out!

I was ready to buy a house about 2 years ago and he wasn't. it caused soooo many rows and always ended up about him not wanting to. But we stuck at it and saved. Now 2 years later we are in the process of buying our dream home because in those two years we've had huge pay rises and things like the HTB isa came out... all i wanted to say is sometimes even when it feels hopeless things always have a way of working out eventually.

Don't feel bad for your past and delaying this, its a huge financial and relationship jump. Not easy to get out of if things go wayward and its one of the most stressful things EVER. you need to support one another not tear each other up!

Good luck Im sure it will work out.

nkkingston

Money is often a flashpoint where people's values are different. You definitely want to have a long, calm conversation about why this specific money conversation is creating so much tension. What are his plans for the future? What are yours? How are you planning to achieve your separate and joint plans? Make sure you've both eaten first, make sure it's in a neutral, shared room of the house (no bedrooms or personal offices), and try and keep numbers out of the conversation for as long as possible.

Something has made him think that the best way to achieve his plans is to move the house purchase up sooner, and now he feels like you're getting in the way of that. Maybe he has a vision of the two of you and a bunch of happy sprogs in your new home, and he thinks you're having second thoughts and using your bad credit history to push him away. Maybe he wants to spend all his deposit money on fast women and loose cars and is looking for an excuse to push you away. I do wonder if his ignorance about credit reports and the way banks look at them is having an impact on his ability to trust you: he can't see why this should be a problem for him, and if it continues to be a problem for him that's your fault, and you must be doing it on purpose somehow, so to speak.

dilemma10

fairy_lights wrote: »

Why is your OH so eager to buy this summer instead of next year?
It sounds like moving up the property ladder is more important to him that buying together.

I think the lack of space we have - seriously we both have masses of clothes, he works from home from the sofa EVERY day (almost) and we just climb over each other. The living room is open plan with the kitchen and there's 1 bedroom and that's it - no garden/outside space for 2 bikes and all the other paraphernalia. Think he realised he had lots of equity and just decided to take the plunge - to be fair to him he was supportive when the broker initially said in February we just weren't ready because of my rating. However, whenever we now have any issues he takes great pleasure in ramming down my throat that it's all HIS money. Which is really making me shift my mindset away from joining forces...

dilemma10

nkkingston wrote: »

Money is often a flashpoint where people's values are different. You definitely want to have a long, calm conversation about why this specific money conversation is creating so much tension. What are his plans for the future? What are yours? How are you planning to achieve your separate and joint plans? Make sure you've both eaten first, make sure it's in a neutral, shared room of the house (no bedrooms or personal offices), and try and keep numbers out of the conversation for as long as possible.

Something has made him think that the best way to achieve his plans is to move the house purchase up sooner, and now he feels like you're getting in the way of that. Maybe he has a vision of the two of you and a bunch of happy sprogs in your new home, and he thinks you're having second thoughts and using your bad credit history to push him away. Maybe he wants to spend all his deposit money on fast women and loose cars and is looking for an excuse to push you away. I do wonder if his ignorance about credit reports and the way banks look at them is having an impact on his ability to trust you: he can't see why this should be a problem for him, and if it continues to be a problem for him that's your fault, and you must be doing it on purpose somehow, so to speak.

I know exactly what has made him move it forward - he is interested in buying a classic car and he know that by remortgaging he can get this. Sounds daft but it's true. He also knows he can afford to buy the same house on his own salary.

That's the really stupid thing about mortgages - we could get the same house just using his salary but by doubling the income and having me on there too, even with a bad rating, totally negates the situation!

I don't know what to think any more...

dilemma10

cjdavies wrote: »

If the house purchase went ahead this year with his deposit, I can see any future argument always going back to this.

This is exactly my issue too - I feel stuck in a rock and a hard place. If we go ahead using just his name / deposit with me on the deeds (somehow) I still think he will say without his deposit I wouldn't have a house.

I also think...if we jointly go ahead he will use it every time we argue.

If you ask me we should save jointly and delay it - then his equity is a bonus for him to do whatever he wants with but last night he seems to reinforce that 'you still won't have saved up enough'.

So I just can't win!

fairy_lights

Would renting for a year or two be an option? You could move somewhere bigger and he could free up the equity from the flat. Then when you're ready to buy again you would be chain free, so possibly in a stronger position.

dilemma10

fairy_lights wrote: »

Would renting for a year or two be an option? You could move somewhere bigger and he could free up the equity from the flat. Then when you're ready to buy again you would be chain free, so possibly in a stronger position.

I would say yes for me - but absolutely no for him. He has always said he has already moved around a lot - it's all or nothing with him.

As you can see - he wears the trousers!!!:mad::mad::mad::mad:

Stevie_Palimo

It is difficult for the most part with money and homes as to who pays what and put in to buy the place deposit wise, I have some friends in similar position as yourself and second alex_163163 post as a very good idea rolling forwards.

It does come down to the relationship itself and a mutual respect for each other as by rights although one may have stumped up more money the other if you are buying together it should be seen as a joint asset and a clause of the first higher amount taken to reflect this if needs be, My situation with my other half is a 50-50 share of the place despite the fact she did not put any money in and now we have a kid is more relevant that she is secure in the knowledge that if anything happens she has a decent chunk of change coming her way.

Mojisola

dilemma10 wrote: »

My other half keeps pressurizing me by saying 'You better have fixed your report by July'.

The other problem is - because of the strain of getting this sorted, we are now up and down in our relationship.

This week he has been saying it's unfair that he is putting up all of the deposit.

dilemma10 wrote: »

Either way I feel massively pressured to sort my rating out but don't know how I can do any more with it in the impossible time frames which have been brought forward!

dilemma10 wrote: »

As you can see - he wears the trousers!!!:mad::mad::mad::mad:

To join yourselves together in a property purchase when there are relationship problems to sort out is not wise.

cashbackproblems

As already mentioned the obvious thing to do would be to have a deed of trust so his interest is protected however as far as i understand in marriage this becomes invalid

It sounds like its reasonable why he wants to move this yr 12 more months of living in a box can seem like a long time. Persoanlly if i waa him i wouldnt buy with you, why should i pay 85k when after marriage you would be entitled to half if divorced. Your 2 yr mortgage contributions doesnt give any beneficial ownership of his property as you would have had to pay rent anyway and a landlord wouldnt give u a share of his property

I would see if parents can help u, wait for a few yrs or find someone who is at your level financially.