Mother-in-law troubles

thorsoak

Why is it not possible in your relationship for you to say to his mother "I am sorry, but we have X, Y, and Z from my side of the family coming over Easter to help us pack up, and we just won't have the room or the time to spend with you - can we put off your visit until we move?"

That's the conversation that I would have had with my MIL or now, with any of my DILs.

Katgrit

The_Logans wrote: »

When DH is back home I'm going to ask him to speak to her (again) about approaching him rather than me if she wants to invite herself for a visit. In a normal family relationship it wouldn't be a problem at all but given the tensions between them I don't think I am being unreasonable in trying to distance myself from the conflict.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but by being too soft you're exacerbating the situation. Why can't YOU suggest she ring back when your DH is home? Thats what would happen in a 'normal family relationship'. By forcing HIM to "speak to her" you're just increasing the tension between them and creating opportunity for conflict. In distancing yourself from the conflict you're doing nothing to disolve it. While it must be very easy to wimp out why not just take a deep breath, tell her NO she can't come because it's inconvient or tell her to speak to OH directly. By deferring and delegating you're not helping anyone.

(all typed in a caring tone of voice, not a shouty one, I know it can't be easy!)

The_Logans

thorsoak wrote: »

Why is it not possible in your relationship for you to say to his mother "I am sorry, but we have X, Y, and Z from my side of the family coming over Easter to help us pack up, and we just won't have the room or the time to spend with you - can we put off your visit until we move?"

That's the conversation that I would have had with my MIL or now, with any of my DILs.

I don't know, I just don't feel comfortable doing that. Someone said earlier that maybe I see her as an inconvenience and I guess I do. I don't like the atmosphere when she's here so I dread her coming. My DH is a totally different person in her presence. It's more that just a cold relationship. I feel sorry for her as if I was so distant from my only child I'd be heartbroken but at the same time I support my DH in how he feels about her and ultimately it's his relationship with his mother. I tried to be a 'buffer' over the years to ease things between them but it didn't work and I ended up bearing the brunt of her unhappiness and being called ungrateful, being emailed at work asking me why her son hadn't replied to her email etc. After that I decided to distance myself from things. I was getting very upset and stressed about it all, when really it was out of my hands.

The_Logans

Katgrit wrote: »

I know this is going to sound harsh, but by being too soft you're exacerbating the situation. Why can't YOU suggest she ring back when your DH is home? Thats what would happen in a 'normal family relationship'. By forcing HIM to "speak to her" you're just increasing the tension between them and creating opportunity for conflict. In distancing yourself from the conflict you're doing nothing to disolve it. While it must be very easy to wimp out why not just take a deep breath, tell her NO she can't come because it's inconvient or tell her to speak to OH directly. By deferring and delegating you're not helping anyone.

(all typed in a caring tone of voice, not a shouty one, I know it can't be easy!)

Thank you Katgrit. See my above post - I'm not wimping out. I've been smack bang in the middle of it before and it wasn't fun. I've made a conscious decision to back off and leave it to the two of them (for my own sanity!)

Katgrit

Ok, we're going to have to get you to (wo)man up. Imagine us as the boxing trainer massaging your shoulders and boosting your ego to send you back out into the ring fighting. You've got to get strong, and if that means getting nasty than so be it!

The extra info you've given us, that she pesters you at work, and has a pop at you for being ingrateful (I'm assuming that was her rather than hubby), is useful.......makes all the difference. She's trying to divide and conquer and as others have said, you need a united front. In my opinion one of two things will stop this. Either you have to tell her to stop this, in a firm but gentle way, or your husband has to REALLY tell her once and for all that this stops, in a harsher plain way.

Would you being the one to tell her be less damaging to the long term relationship? This is where your niceness is letting you down. Doesn't is annoy you (singular) when she does this? Doesn't it grate on you to have her staying? You need to use that annoyance to rile you up enough to overcome the "I feel sorry for her". Yes its a shame that she doesn't get on with her only son, but you can't let that come before YOUR (plural) happiness. Get riled up, get annoyed enough at the situation to present the united front and say NO. Until you can be strong with her she'll keep picking away at you, because you're her way in. If you've been strong and firm with her yourself previously and she's still a cowbag, well that's it, you've done all you can. Her visits annoy both of you, I wouldn't bother letting her stay.

Get riled up, let that outweigh the pity, get strong and tell her NO. No go between, no emails at work, no visits if you don't want. Be firm but nice. And don't feel bad about it!! And if you being strong doesn't work then OH needs to REALLY make the point. You go girl..... We're behind you!

pphillips

Some people just cannot say no and it seems you are one of them but there is absolutely no need to feel guilty. As someone who doesn't have any problems saying no to people I think first of all you need some self respect. My advice would be that you imagine that what the mother in law is asking is this: Would it be alright if I abused you? Can I then take all of your property afterwards? and see if that makes it any easier to say no to her.

The_Logans

Katgrit wrote: »

Ok, we're going to have to get you to (wo)man up. Imagine us as the boxing trainer massaging your shoulders and boosting your ego to send you back out into the ring fighting. You've got to get strong, and if that means getting nasty than so be it!

The extra info you've given us, that she pesters you at work, and has a pop at you for being ingrateful (I'm assuming that was her rather than hubby), is useful.......makes all the difference. She's trying to divide and conquer and as others have said, you need a united front. In my opinion one of two things will stop this. Either you have to tell her to stop this, in a firm but gentle way, or your husband has to REALLY tell her once and for all that this stops, in a harsher plain way.

Would you being the one to tell her be less damaging to the long term relationship? This is where your niceness is letting you down. Doesn't is annoy you (singular) when she does this? Doesn't it grate on you to have her staying? You need to use that annoyance to rile you up enough to overcome the "I feel sorry for her". Yes its a shame that she doesn't get on with her only son, but you can't let that come before YOUR (plural) happiness. Get riled up, get annoyed enough at the situation to present the united front and say NO. Until you can be strong with her she'll keep picking away at you, because you're her way in. If you've been strong and firm with her yourself previously and she's still a cowbag, well that's it, you've done all you can. Her visits annoy both of you, I wouldn't bother letting her stay.

Get riled up, let that outweigh the pity, get strong and tell her NO. No go between, no emails at work, no visits if you don't want. Be firm but nice. And don't feel bad about it!! And if you being strong doesn't work then OH needs to REALLY make the point. You go girl..... We're behind you!

Love this! Thank you Can you come and stay on Saturday and deal with her for me? lol