Mother-in-law troubles

The_Logans

My Husband and his Mum have a very difficult relationship. They try to get along but really they just don't like each other! When she comes to visit there is always an atmosphere of tension, I really don't like it. I get on ok with her on the surface but I have to be honest I don't like her that much as a person. I feel sorry for her in many ways, she never married and my hubby is an only child. She is lonely I think, but she is her own worst enemy in that regard.


She tries to use me as a go-between and it has caused many an argument. She'll phone when she knows DH is out and ask me to pass on a message, or ask me to ask him to phone her, or ask me to ask him when she can come and stay.


Latest is, DH is overseas for a couple of weeks. She's just back from a holiday and soon to go on another one. We're up to our eyeballs trying to pack to move house and we have family over from Canada the week after Easter. She's just emailed me to say she wants to come and visit Easter Saturday, and she basically needs an answer now as there are only 6 train tickets left for the train she wants.


I hate being piggy in the middle!

whitewing

Let her come. Then give her some jobs to do to help you with the packing.

The_Logans

whitewing wrote: »

Let her come. Then give her some jobs to do to help you with the packing.

I suspect that's what will happen!

Mojisola

The_Logans wrote: »

We're up to our eyeballs trying to pack to move house and we have family over from Canada the week after Easter. She's just emailed me to say she wants to come and visit Easter Saturday, and she basically needs an answer now

whitewing wrote: »

Let her come. Then give her some jobs to do to help you with the packing.

As above - thank her for offering to come to help you pack up ready for the move - you really appreciate it.

It's up to her whether she changes her mind about coming then.

TBagpuss

Just because she wants an answer at short notice doesn't mean you have to give her one!
And you would be absolutely free to say to her "Sorry, that's not going to work for us. We're going to be up to our eyeballs packing, it's not a good time"

In elation to the longer term issue of her using you as go between I think this is something which you and your husband need to decide on together,.
Does your husband have a mobile phone? If so, then any request to pass on messages or ask him to phone her can be met with a cheerful "Oh, it'll be better if you just phone him direct on his mobile" If she asks about vistiing, you can also have a 'stock' response - that could be "DH isn't here right now, so I can't give you an answer. Why don't you call back at [time] when you can talk to him yourself?" or even "I'll need to speak to DH about that. We'll let you know"

I don't think that in general it's unreasonable for someone to speak to one half of a couple about something like visiting, or to ask one spouse to pass a message on to the other, but if you personally are not comfortable with it in her case, then probably the way to go is to adjust your response so that she doesn't get the result she wants from speaking to you.

If what happens is that you are annoyed but that you do respond, then the message that you are giving her is that speaking to you is an effective way of getting a response.

If she doesn't get results, then she may start to change her approach. Obviously you do need to be on the same page as your husband here so that you and he are presenting a united front.

fairy_lights

I think I would say yes - if you say no she will try to rearrange the visit for another weekend so you're only going to be delaying the inevitable.
Plus I'm guessing the train times will be limited on Easter Sunday which will put a time limit on her visit.
If either her or your OH start to get snippy with each other just cram another piece of chocolate in to their mouths.

AylesburyDuck

I'd say if you need a quick answer it's going to have to be no, because you've known when Easter was for a long time why leave it so late to ask.
Stupid thinking you can put people out at the drop of a hat.

tensandunits_2

If you have a caller display on your phone you can try not picking up the phone when she rings, if you don't want to get caught up in another one of their dramas.

jamiehelsinki

If your packing to move, I would be honest and say it's not convenient and why.

The_Logans

Thank you all who have responded. This has been an issue for many years and to be honest I am just too soft! I rang DH last night (about midnight his time) - we decided to let her come for the day but not stay over as it's too much upheaval. When DH is back home I'm going to ask him to speak to her (again) about approaching him rather than me if she wants to invite herself for a visit. In a normal family relationship it wouldn't be a problem at all but given the tensions between them I don't think I am being unreasonable in trying to distance myself from the conflict.

Fireflyaway

I think you and your husband need to agree on how to deal with the situation so you can both speak to your mum in law without having to consult the other first. You need to be a team and on the same page.
Is there a real issue here though? You say they don't get on, but is it just a bit of a cold relationship rather than something terrible? You don't mention that she is rude or doing anything nasty in particular. Do you maybe see her as an inconvenience? I know she is your mum in law but why shouldn't she ask you to come over? Its your house too and marriage makes you part of the family. Maybe she finds you more approachable and you could help to bring your husband and his mum closer? At least she wants to visit . some parents couldn't care less.