Managing challenging behavior from colleague

Youcandoit

Just wanted a bit of advice really so here goes. Over the last few years I have worked as part of a small team managed by a lady boss. One of my colleagues has always been temperamental - having strops at the smallest issues, being rude to people in general, withholding information that could have been useful to the team etc...the list goes on.

Anyway my lady boss managed her behavior in a passive way and tried to smooth over the cracks. Unfortunately she has now retired and my colleague has just become impossible to work with, we are now at the point where we don't speak much as she is so rude to me and constantly picks faults with tiny issues. I have approached my new boss about her behavior but he is new to management and just tells me to ignore her and we all know what she is like!!!!

She is good at her job but yesterday had a proper meltdown (tears, sobbing). Another colleague saw to her and even though I am a caring person I could not find any sympathy. I have the feeling that she has some aspects of Aspergers (my lady boss did say unofficially she was on the spectrum) so I just wondered if anyone has any tips or advice on how to handle this type of behavior?

Just to add when she is in a bad mood she slams drawers and makes as much noise as possible - some days I nearly jump out of my skin!!!

*Robin*

Labelling ASD was not common except for those "on the far end of the spectrum" until fairly recently. There must be thousands of adults walking around who perhaps have an idea that they are not NT [neurotypical] but who muddle along, more or less successfully.
My late husband was one of them, and I am probably another.

You say this woman is rude; she probably thinks of herself as direct. She is in all likelihood just as frustrated with your NT behaviour; not saying exactly what you want / need - how does she know that slamming drawers when she's under stress is giving you a headache / making you jump if you don't tell her? She is giving you a very obvious sign that she isn't coping with something - yet her distress is being ignored! She doesn't see your reaction [or lack of it] as politeness; to her it is uncaring and hurtful.

So be direct. Tell her when you don't understand her signals, ask her to explain. Listen to her explanation without interrupting. Tell her when she upsets you - suggest better strategies for getting the work done without conflict. Go together to your supervisor if you can't agree a unified approach to a problem by each speaking to the other and listening patiently in return.

Your ASD colleague is very unlikely to lie or tell half-truths. She can be relied upon to complete her tasks to the best of her ability - and perhaps has little tolerance for other team members who she sees wasting time, chatting when they should be working, etc.

Of course maybe none of the above is relevant; your colleague might simply be a bluddy-minded old so-and-so who is taking out her personal problems on her workmates in order to preserve peace at home. Without talking to her honestly, you'll never know.

tensandunits_2

Youcandoit wrote: »

Just to add when she is in a bad mood she slams drawers and makes as much noise as possible - some days I nearly jump out of my skin!!!

If she wants to behave like a spoilt child let her get on with it. Speak to her only when necessary.

pollypenny

I worked with one if those. Alternately creeping to the boss or crying with stress, most if it alcohol induced.

Ignore her if possible. Just smile sweetly if you have to.

TBagpuss

OK, be very wary of armchair dignoses of ASD. I'm not clear whether your former boss's comments were based on her diclosing an actual medical diagnosis or recest for acccommodation under the Equality Act, or whether she was making assumptions, but either way, be cautious of assuming that someone is on the spectrum unless they themselves tell you!

That said, there are some things which you can do which may be helpful to your colleague, and to you in dealing with her, whether or not she is on the spectrum.

- Be open and direct. If she is rude, address it then and there. Depending on the type of rudeness, this could be simply saying in the moment "Wow, that's really rude! Please dont speak to me like that" or it could be "I don't know if you realise, but that is a very rude way to address this issue, if you have a comment or question about my work, please raise it with me without making persoanl comments" (or as appropriate)

- If she is being noisy, banging drawers etc then again, address it when it happens. Someting like that is very subjective as to whether people notice / care so she may be doing it because she is in a bad mood, but that doesn't mean it is aimed at you or that she uis trying to disturb you. So I would go with "Pelase could you not slam your drawers. I get that that you're annoyed but it is really disruptive and is giving me a headache"

With the fault picking, I think this depends a litle bit on the type of work you are doing, and on whether you are equals or whether she is senior to you. Asssuming that she isn't senior to you, and provided that the little things she is picking at are not things which really matter, I think you can address that with her -
"Jane, I've noticed that you are often very critical of very minor issues in my work, for example (give a couple of recent examples). Those are not things which affect my work, so moving forward, can you only raise issues of they are serious, or example [give example]. depending on the type of issue, you might bed to include "the things you pooint out aren't faults, it's simply that you and I have different ways of doing [task]."

if there are things which are cusing work probelms, such as witholding relevant information, this is trickier and depends a lot on what sort of information it is. One way of dealing wit hit may be to create a paper trail. e.g. e-mail her (and other relevant collegues] early on to ask for information. If it later comes to light that she witheld it, then address that at the time with a further e-mail "Jane, I've just discovered that you knew [missing information]. Was there reason you didn;t sahre that information when I emailed on [date] asking for relevant information about this project? You not providing that information has meant [more work / duplication fof work / client being asked to provide information they've already given / time consming task]. pelase could you try to make sure that you do shre relevant information in future?"

Again, depending on what srt of things you are talking about, you could approach your boss. Try to go with a solution as well as with the problem.

e.g. "there have been several recent incidents (give examples) where Jane has not shared relevant information which has resulted in [consequences, particualrly any which meant the firm wated time or resources, or annoyed a client]. I've asked Jane to share this kind of information ut she doesn't sem willing, Can I suggest that [new process - maybe a central record / spreadsheet / whatever, accessible to all employees, where this kind of info could be recorded] - or is there another way we can stop this from happeneing?"

If those things don't help, then your next step might be to speak again to yor manager, explain specifcally what has ben happeneing, that you have been trying to deal with it but that it is not worlking and that her behaviour is not OK and is afecting you and your ability to work. Ask him to address it.


If that doesn't work, then follow your firm's internal complaints / grievance process, particualrly if your colleague's behaviour is agressive or unpleasant to you. Be aware that tyou may need to explicitly state that you wnat to make a formal grievance complaint, and that this will means that your colleague will be told that you are the person who has complained.


Does this behaviour only affect you, or are their other people equally fed up with her ways? If it is a common problem, then your boss is more likely to take it seriously and to try to address it is there are several people all aising similar concerns - it is harder to brush it off as '6 of one and half a dozen of the other' in that situation.

hazyjo

We have a colleague like that. You never know what mood you're gonna get. Someone gives her work and she huffs and grunts and slams it on her desk. Other times (usually when she wants something), it's all 'thanks so much, hun'.

We avoid giving her work or asking for help cos it's not worth the grief. Everyone, including our vile line manager, know what she's like and she has had warnings.

I sometimes snap back at her but the best thing is to ignore her when she's nasty. Weirdly, she's one of the most sensitive people I know. If the senior Partner ever gives her anything, she cries (he is quite scary).

Some people just don't realise they come across as rude or aggressive. She's the first person to slate others for being like that!

Best advice, take no notice.

Jx

spadoosh

I would put soft close buffers on her drawers and play copy cat. Im about as mature as a teenager though.

Youcandoit

Thank you for the replies - Robin/ TBagpuss your posts were really informative. I have kept the peace for a long time and tried my damn hardest to get on/be nice with her nto no avail) but she now seems out of control. My main issue is that we work in a public area and I find myself apologising for her behaviour when people say she is being rude. TBH my new boss is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and I really don't want to go down the grievance route just yet.


It's my own sanity I am worried about as one day soon I feel I will lose the plot big style with her!

professor~yaffle

If she's being rude to the customers (or patients or whoever it is) you might just have to wait for someone to put in a complaint about her. The manager can't sweep it under the carpet if or when that happens. British people aren't that good at complaining, though, they tend to put up with things. We had someone in our local library who was rude to the customers. I just stopped going there in the end.

BrassicWoman

"lady boss"? what is this, 1820?

professor~yaffle

BrassicWoman wrote: »

"lady boss"? what is this, 1820?

Unlikely to be 1820

Presume the boss's gender is relevant here, because the female one knew exactly what was happening, whereas the male one doesn't care much about what 'the women' are arguing about, he just wants a quiet life!