Relationship dilemma

lalaluna88

Hi, I don't usually post on forums like this but I'm desperate for some outside perspective please. Sorry this might be a long one.

I've been with my partner for 2 years, the relationship developed quickly and I figured out quite early that my partner has very low self esteem. I'd not long come out of an abusive relationship so mine wasn't exactly sky high but I accepted it and it's something I continue to work on. He reluctantly admits he has low self esteem and opinion of himself but doesn't see it as his problem to work on. I've tried to boost his confidence, and compliment him regularly but it has no effect. I've suggested counselling but he just scoffed at the idea. He feels he's a victim regardless of the circumstance and refuses to take responsibility for almost anything.

I don't mean to sound arrogant but I think we also differ on maturity levels. I choose battles carefully and look for the positives in situations. He picks fights with everyone, sulks like a teenager and holds grudges over the smallest of things. I have to be careful with how I word things as he takes things really personally.
He has a good full time job with a decent wage but never has any money, he borrows money for big and small purchases and leaves himself short repaying them, then expects me to bail him out and react enthusiastically when he looks up expensive places to rent?

Things have come to a head this last week, I've asked for space so I can think more clearly about whether we have a future together. He's really upset and is struggling to understand why I need space.
I recognise that I'm too passive, as a result of my passiveness resentments grown as I can't communicate and assert myself as needed. This is something I'm desperate to work on. I also need to work on my social life, my partner wants to only spend time with me and I feel restricted and smothered. Again, I'm not assertive enough to express my need to have friends.
However, for the relationship to go anywhere I'm not the only person that needs to work on themselves and this is where I'm stuck. Like I said, he doesn't take any responsibility for his actions but I cant go through life mothering a full grown man who's supposed to be my equal. I can't tell him to grow up, it's not really productive and nobody wants to be told that, but his lack of maturity and self esteem is smothering our relationship.
Any thoughts on how I should approach this, or would it be better if we go separate ways?

BJV

Do you want to be a mother or a partner?

No one here can honestly tell you what you need to do, only you can. That said it sounds to me like you have made your mind up and are looking for back up. Forget what ever anyone else says do what you think is right. The fact that you said you need space and that resentment is growing is not a good sign.

Take some time, have some space and think about what makes you happy after all you can not make anyone else happy if you are not yourself.

[Deleted User]

You are only 2 yrs in feeling like this. Time to move on.

It doesnt matter how you perceive things if its not working for you and he doesnt see any need to change its a non starter.

iammumtoone

You can't change how someone else is. You can only change your reaction to them.

Ozzuk

You haven't listed many positives here so we can only see one side of how you feel. I'd tend to agree with the above though, you seem mismatched, life's too short to be with the wrong person, better to be single.

I would however give it a chance first, find out what his thoughts are on the relationship and its future, what would make him happy, agree some step changes. People can sometimes need a kick to make more of an effort in relationships and things can improve, sometimes they can't and you really don't want to be stuck constantly trying to change someone.

mgdavid

How on earth have you managed 2 years with this guy - you must be a saint! Time to move on and find someone who deserves you.

TBagpuss

I have to be careful with how I word things as he takes things really personally.

This jumped out at me as it can be a red flag for an emotionally abusive relationship / gaslighting - you are starting to see his bad temper and inability to take responsibility as somehow your fault, and that it is down to you to change your behaviour to fit round his 'sensitivity'

Coupled with the fact that he is dismissive of you when you try to discus the issue, won't go to counselling or address the problems and that he is not prepared to even acknowledge the problems in the relationship, I think that you will have to accept that he is not going to change.

So your choice is, are you willing to stay in this relationship knowing that this is the way it will be, or are you going to cut your losses and move on?

It is possible that if you do make that decision,and end the relationship, that tat may be a bit of a wake-up call for him, and that that will motivate him to try to change. If that does happen, you can decide at that point whether and on what terms you are willing to consider a reconciliation.

In your post, you haven't mentioned anything positive.

What you have said is that:
- He is financially irresponsible and expects your to bail him out.
- He is dismissive of your concerns and options and is not prepared to even discuss these, let alone change his own behaviour for you or for the relationship
- He is unwilling to socialise with your friends and makes you feel smothered
- he manipulated you by sulking, holding grudges and taking offence, to the extend that you are changing your actions to try to avoid this reaction
- he knows that you were in an abusive relationship but is not supportive of your wish to learn to be more assertive
- you feel 'desperate' and 'smothered'

Take a look at that list and ask yourself what is the other side? What can you put in a list of positives about this relationship/ do they outweigh the negatives?

Honestly? I think you should get out. If you want to pursue a relationship with him then dial it right back. Start slowly with dates and move on from there. Make clear that you need a relationship where the two of your are mutually respectful and supportive of each other, not one where you support him and he ignores or undermines you.

As he is unwell, you can also suggest that he seek medical help for his depression. Counselling may help him. But him suffering from depression is not a free pass that means you have to stay with him or tailor your life to his (unreasonable) expectations.

Its possible that he is dragging your down because he is drowning, but if so, it may be time to accept that you can't hold him up, it is time to save yourself and swim for shore (metaphorically speaking!) However, it is also possible that he is behaving like this because so far, he has got away with it, and he cares more about having things the way he likes them than being in an equal relationship.

Finally, you might find it helpful to see whether you can access some support. RELATE will see you by yourself , even if he won't go with you. You might also ind it useful to talk to a support group about domestic abuse - if you went unto this relationship very quickly after escaping your abusive relationship you might find it useful to work with someone around the effects on your of the abusive relationship, and whether you are still affected by that in terms of judging what is normal and acceptable in a relationship, and whether, and how safe it is, for you to stand up for yourself.

onomatopoeia99

There seem to be no positives in this relationship. Why are you in it?

If you want it to survive, you need to communicate. You say he doesn't understand why you need space. So tell him. Directly, no minced words, no deprecating, tell him exactly how he makes you feel.

-taff

Are you with my ex? Except he didn't have a job and everything was up to me to sort out because he wouldn't take any responsibility for anything.

Depends on whether you see you being a mother to him is going to be what happens. If it is, leave.

If you think he can change, then stay. Then he'd have to go about getting help for his own problems. Would he?

krlyr

I've recently ended a 7.5 year relationship for similar reasons - throw in a general anxiety disorder and depression on his part, then him joining a dating site/going on dates to try to boost his self-esteem..and I reached the point of walking away.

From my experience, I would say either he needs to seek some help or you need to change the situation by removing yourself from it. You cannot fix him, he has to want to fix himself, in the case of my ex it was something he realised too late, after the damage was done. He then sought the counselling, worked on himself, etc. but the trust was broken and I couldn't face putting up with the hard slog through it on top of the betrayal.

It's not easy, either way. I'm now facing selling up our house and starting over at 30, but it was also a huge weight off my shoulders, having dealt with his anxiety for the past 5 years. What helped me a lot with coming to my decision was seeing a relationship counsellor on my own - she questioned me, not in an accusatory way but in a way that made me think about what I was getting out of the relationship vs what I was putting in, some realistic expectations for the future and so on. Something you could perhaps consider for yourself (and I was surprised at how much it helped me as I'm not really a "therapy person")

lalaluna88

Thank you for your replies.
I'm going to speak to him tonight. Im going to be as honest as I can and hopefully not tiptoe about. I think I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to change, however he has to get outside help be it counselling or similar otherwise I'm walking, I'm not convinced the motivation is going to be there without outside intervention.
How long is reasonable to see any changes? I don't want to be hasty but also don't want to be taken for a mug?