Advice/opinion on contact travel

ELLASCORNER

i was hoping to get a fresh perspective on my current situation with regards contact for child to see his father. Son lives with me and his father lives 2 and a half hours away. about a year ago when ex didn't see son that often as lived quite far away i suggested that with reasonable notice i could do half the driving to encourage more contact. fast forward a year and ex now sees son more with the intention of every other weekend and half school hols which is great for son. ex has changed job and CMS payments have reduced by 60% to reflect the reduction in pay which is fair - no problem at all with that. However i have just purchased a house and as such my outgoings have increased massively. I cannot afford the more frequent journeys at my own cost and family members have suggested telling ex that although happy to still help with the driving that he will have to contribute to my travel costs - it seems extreme but i genuinely don't feel there is another option - happy to be corrected here??
any thoughts??

Gilead

On a moral and practical basis I would keep the current arrangement as it appears to be working in every area apart from the travel expenses for you. I am not sure if you have a written agreement around custody arrangements or not - if yes do does it stipulate pick up points? I think meeting half way is fair, an extreme alternative is he drives to your house to collect your son, and you drive to his house to collect him at the end of the visit.

Your ex had a reduction in wages, so things could be tight for him as well. Best to put son's needs front and centre and say long term it is best he has a mother and father in his life so don't place any unnecessary obstacles there.

ELLASCORNER

sorry i don't think i made it clear enough - i genuinely can't afford to make the journeys - the drop off/pick up arrangements in place were fine - it all is aside from my affordability. i've been doing it for a few months and can't afford it.

TBagpuss

Both morally and legally you should both be working together to ensure that your child has tim with both of you. Why do your family think he should bear the heavier burden? Both of you have less spare cash than you did, why would it be fair to expect him to subsidise you, rather than vice versa?

If it is truly impossible to make savings elsewhere to meet your share of the contact expenses then clearly that is something you will need to discuss with your ex, to try to work out an arrangement that is manageable for boh of you, however, it would be reasonable to go into that with the approach "I appreciate that I am asking you for a big favour" not "I think it's fair for you to pay this".


I'd also siggest that you look at your income and expentiture and see whether you can make cuts elsewhere . How much does the round trip actually cost you, in cash terms?

ELLASCORNER

no written agreement with custody arrangements in place

TBagpuss

Just to add, if you are willing t opost your income and outgoins on the debt ree board there are lots of people who will be happy to suggest ways of saving money.

it's also relevant to look at the benefit to your son - it may be that he would get more befot out of maintaining the contact with his dad than of having you put money away for holidays away, or paying for lots of after school activities, for instnace, so do think about where you are currently spending money for his benefit and whether you need to prioritise the contact more.

ELLASCORNER

I have tried making cuts where possible but am reluctant to start cutting down on activities for son ie swimming, football etc
i'm not suggesting he take the financial burden but neither would i like to start cutting back on hot baths and school trips to cover the cost myself. I can afford my outgoings and the additional i have undertaken ie the mortgage. its the additional contact and trips that i cant.
i will speak to ex :-)
thank you

FBaby

Who moved away? I know that in essence it shouldn't matter, but ultimately, that person does bare more of a responsibility of the situation for having done so, so it could a factor that makes the difference?

How old is your child?

tensandunits_2

ELLASCORNER wrote: »

sorry i don't think i made it clear enough - i genuinely can't afford to make the journeys - the drop off/pick up arrangements in place were fine - it all is aside from my affordability. i've been doing it for a few months and can't afford it.

How much money are we talking about, here? It seems unfair to expect the child's father to subsidise the costs associated with you getting a new house.

mgdavid

ELLASCORNER wrote: »

....... i've been doing it for a few months and can't afford it.

so how have you managed for the few months so far?
I suspect the devil is in the detail - how do you calculate the travel costs? Just fuel, or total running costs for the car? What do you reckon it's costing you per month?

silvercar

tensandunits wrote: »

How much money are we talking about, here? It seems unfair to expect the child's father to subsidise the costs associated with you getting a new house.

This^^^. You would assume you made a calculation when deciding what size mortgage/ house expenses you could afford. Also these days mortgage lenders are stringent in checking budgets when working out affordability. To say that you have bought a new home, therefore he should now pay for travel is not reasonable.