Saw more messages between BF and ex. He told her he wants them to be together...

trey101

You're all right. Thanks for knocking some sense into me. I was massively in denial (it's hard, he seems to really care about me) but I think starting to see things properly now. It's clear he still loves her. There's no other explanation for it.

I'm distancing myself emotionally a bit. He's still being as attentive as ever though... makes it really hard to not want to give him a chance when he's so sweet to me, y'know? I know he talks to her a lot but he gives me his attention all day everyday... it's all I've ever wanted in a BF. Any idea why he'd be so attentive and wanting to spend all his time with me when he clearly isn't over her?

FBaby

Some people are just very good at giving attention, it's in their nature and they make everyone feel love.

Or he could genuinely love you both.

If you find it hard to let go without being sure it is the right thing to do, then you have no choice but to confront him even though it will mean having to admit that you've been snooping on his phone.

indiepanda

trey101 wrote: »

You're all right. Thanks for knocking some sense into me. I was massively in denial (it's hard, he seems to really care about me) but I think starting to see things properly now. It's clear he still loves her. There's no other explanation for it.

I'm distancing myself emotionally a bit. He's still being as attentive as ever though... makes it really hard to not want to give him a chance when he's so sweet to me, y'know? I know he talks to her a lot but he gives me his attention all day everyday... it's all I've ever wanted in a BF. Any idea why he'd be so attentive and wanting to spend all his time with me when he clearly isn't over her?

Maybe until such time as she makes it clear she completely forgives him for leaving and getting into a new relationship so quickly he isn't willing to take the chance of leaving you and ending up on his own?

Maybe there is part of him that is enjoying being in a relationship with a man rather than a woman for a change?

Maybe he remembers how challenging it was being with her when her depression was at it's worst (you did say she had been ill?) and although he loves her he has reservations about going back to someone with health issues? I could understand if that were the case - my dad has had to cope with my mum's depression throughout their marriage and I think it's been incredibly hard for him (not saying it's been easy for her either).

Could be any number of reasons, but there are plenty of people who seem quite capable of leaving a double life, married to one person and appearing to be happy but having a long term affair with another - possibly even having two families (ok, the two families one is going to be guys, but I was trying not to imply this is mainly men - I've known women who have had affairs too).

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

Some people are just very good at giving attention, it's in their nature and they make everyone feel love.

Or he could genuinely love you both.

If you find it hard to let go without being sure it is the right thing to do, then you have no choice but to confront him even though it will mean having to admit that you've been snooping on his phone.

Or it could be that he really wants to make your relationship work despite wanting to be with someone else because he ended the relationship with her.

Or he could be confused about who he wants to be with.

Or he could be trying to fool you into thinking there's nothing going on between him and his ex.

Ozzuk

Pollycat wrote: »

Or it could be that he really wants to make your relationship work despite wanting to be with someone else because he ended the relationship with her.

Or he could be confused about who he wants to be with.

Or he could be trying to fool you into thinking there's nothing going on between him and his ex.

Or it could be guilt...

trey101

Got an update folks. I've been keeping an eye on their contact.

I have good and bad news.

The bad news is their contact has become much more regular the last week or so. They've been talking everyday, really long text conversations, most of their talk about what they'd been up to, and random things like books, drama shows, etc. And the odd inside joke or two.

Now the good news. Yesterday she finally asked him about their conversation last week, clearly wishing for him to expand on what he said about him wanting them to be together. He said he was sorry he brought it up, that what he said was stupid and that he didn't mean it as it sounded. She clearly seemed annoyed/upset and he apologised to her again and said he isn't trying to toy with her emotions and that would be messed up, that he truly wasn't thinking about what he was saying at the time and implied that she took it the wrong way (that he wanted to get back together with her).

What are everyone's thoughts on this turn of events? This is definitely a good sign I need not worry, yeah? I definitely feel a lot more secure now.

FBaby

So what happens next? You continue to monitor his secret life daily until there is another message that leaves you with doubt and you are right back to where you were a few weeks ago?

Do you realise how unhealthy your relationship is that all this is happening in the background? How long are you going to keep invading his privacy? If you feel more secure now and you believe he is totally committed to you, isn't it time to stop checking his phone?

Pollycat

trey101 wrote: »

Got an update folks. I've been keeping an eye on their contact.

I have good and bad news.

The bad news is their contact has become much more regular the last week or so. They've been talking everyday, really long text conversations, most of their talk about what they'd been up to, and random things like books, drama shows, etc. And the odd inside joke or two.

Now the good news. Yesterday she finally asked him about their conversation last week, clearly wishing for him to expand on what he said about him wanting them to be together. He said he was sorry he brought it up, that what he said was stupid and that he didn't mean it as it sounded. She clearly seemed annoyed/upset and he apologised to her again and said he isn't trying to toy with her emotions and that would be messed up, that he truly wasn't thinking about what he was saying at the time and implied that she took it the wrong way (that he wanted to get back together with her).

What are everyone's thoughts on this turn of events? This is definitely a good sign I need not worry, yeah? I definitely feel a lot more secure now.

It could be anything.

He could have found out that you're checking out his private messages and be toying with your emotions.

Do you feel secure enough to stop reading his texts and messages?

FWIW, I think he's pulling both your chains.

seven-day-weekend

There is no trust within this relationship, only (a somewhat obsessive and) seemingly one-sided love.

You need to TALK to your partner, not keep spying on him. Ask him where you stand, where he stands, and what his relationship is with his former partner. Only then can you move forward in whatever direction you need.

TALK.. Don't just assume from spying on his phone.

trey101

I think I'm happy to stop looking at his phone now.

I honestly get why it was a worrying situation at first, I was really concerned that he wanted to get back together when I posted this thread last week, and I agreed with what you all had to say completely. I was seriously considering ending things... That's why I wanted to check the messages, to see if anything more would be there to confirm my decision to end it.

But now he's told her how he really feels and it's confirmed the messages he sent her weren't as bad as they seemed to us all.