neighbour in hospital refusing visits

Hermia

Mojisola wrote: »

Unless it wasn't his wish.

I can understand a relative not wanting to go the hospital - but to leave someone there with no visitors at all is really sad, especially if the person is in their last few days.

Everyone I know who died in hospital was either semi-conscious in their last days or feeling waaayyy too sick for visitors. I know four people who died of cancer who were very adamant there were to be no visitors at the end and made sure the hospice/hospital staff sent people away. The hospice nurse I spoke to said she often feels like a bouncer because it is such a common request.

The thing is the OP said this neighbour doesn't seem particularly friendly or grateful normally so I really think a card it all that is necessary.

ripplyuk

Never mind neighbours or friends, I wouldn't even want my mum or my partner visiting me in hospital. There's nothing worse than having to 'entertain' people and keep up the chat with them, when you're feeling awful and in a lot of pain. I think it's selfish of people to expect that. And it does seem like a lot of the time, these visits are more to make the visitor feel better about themselves rather than the patient.

OP, I'd do as suggested earlier. Send a card with your phone number. Let them know you're thinking of them.

Torry_Quine

It does surprise me that some people wouldn't want their closest relatives to visit them. It could be seen as selfish by the patient not to

elsien

hazyjo wrote: »

Oh God I totally agree! Especially if it's your parent (or your OH's parent)! But I still think you'd have to be very close to a neighbour to visit them in hospital. Our lovely old neighbour died in a nursing home and had been in hospital for a while before that, but we really didn't feel it appropriate to visit - we did send our best wishes, but it just didn't feel right to see her in bed in hospital. She had always been so proud and impeccably dressed. In her 80s with terminal cancer. Never saw her without perfect hair and makeup.


She used to go on about not wanting a funeral and how she had told everyone not to come when she died and she just wanted a state cremation (or whatever it is) and nobody should pay. She was adamant - used to say it every time we saw her. Didn't want a fuss and was appalled that people would take time out of their day or weekend to attend as everyone lived all over the country. Sad really. Lovely lady. We used to visit her a lot at home.


Jx

My grandmother was similar in regards to not wanting a fuss and saying she was going to ban everyone from her funeral. She tried to clean the house once while waiting for an ambulance so they wouldn't think she was a dirty person.
However she welcomed visitors both in hospital and in the nursing home until she died. She was bored witless most of the time and was happy to see anyone if it broke the tedium.
I asked her once how she felt about people seeing her stuck in bed and needing to be hoisted for personal care etc. Ever pragmatic, she was of the opinion that she'd lost her home and her dignity, there was nothing she could do about it, so anything that made the days go more quickly was fine by her - the more the merrier.

I guess it's about finding ways to check what the person wants rather than presuming. Because sometimes they change their view when they're in the situation.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It does surprise me that some people wouldn't want their closest relatives to visit them. It could be seen as selfish by the patient not to

Surely if they're ill enough to be in hospital, they're entitled to be as selfish as they like, rather than making other people feel better about themselves? It's one time when it IS all about the person in the hospital bed.



When I had Offspring #1, all I wanted was a nice evening in hospital with the OH and our new baby before having visitors the following day (I knew I was going to be in there for a week). Instead of which, we were haunted by his sister for five hours. I was in considerable pain post op, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't have pain killing medication because it would have meant I was non compos mentis when she was there, she just kept talking about her job in a supermarket, the other people there, people she used to know, how long would it take for me to get rid of the baby fat and my figure back, I shouldn't have a recommended blood transfusion because I'd get AIDS and die, and he couldn't spend the time holding his new baby. The following morning, Offspring #1 ended up going into an incubator right up until the moment of discharge. so I never, ever got a minute alone with her and her father. Or that blood transfusion, as they said it was wasn't compulsory, it was a borderline case and they'd run out of O Rh- due to an emergency admission that second morning.

She still copped a strop when she was told at 11pm that she had to go. Which was the same point at which my OH was told to leave, I was exhausted, still in pain and then had to stay awake with my newborn when, had she actually not been a self centred cow, I could have had pain relief, got some sleep whilst OH was still there and not felt so bloody ill for months afterwards.

But she got the bragging rights with her colleagues that she was the only person to come and see the baby on the day it was born. Because not wanting her (or anybody else, including parents) to turn up made me selfish?



The patient decides. Not relatives, not friends, not random neighbours. In all cases.

Torry_Quine

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Surely if they're ill enough to be in hospital, they're entitled to be as selfish as they like, rather than making other people feel better about themselves? It's one time when it IS all about the person in the hospital bed.



When I had Offspring #1, all I wanted was a nice evening in hospital with the OH and our new baby before having visitors the following day (I knew I was going to be in there for a week). Instead of which, we were haunted by his sister for five hours. I was in considerable pain post op, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't have pain killing medication because it would have meant I was non compos mentis when she was there, she just kept talking about her job in a supermarket, the other people there, people she used to know, how long would it take for me to get rid of the baby fat and my figure back, I shouldn't have a recommended blood transfusion because I'd get AIDS and die, and he couldn't spend the time holding his new baby. The following morning, Offspring #1 ended up going into an incubator right up until the moment of discharge. so I never, ever got a minute alone with her and her father. Or that blood transfusion, as they said it was wasn't compulsory, it was a borderline case and they'd run out of O Rh- due to an emergency admission that second morning.

She still copped a strop when she was told at 11pm that she had to go. Which was the same point at which my OH was told to leave, I was exhausted, still in pain and then had to stay awake with my newborn when, had she actually not been a self centred cow, I could have had pain relief, got some sleep whilst OH was still there and not felt so bloody ill for months afterwards.

But she got the bragging rights with her colleagues that she was the only person to come and see the baby on the day it was born. Because not wanting her (or anybody else, including parents) to turn up made me selfish?



The patient decides. Not relatives, not friends, not random neighbours. In all cases.

His sister was very wrong.

If for instance someone is not expected to recover then not letting close relatives visit could be stopping them saying their goodbyes. It is however an individual decision and depends a lot on how the relationship is

Katgrit

IMHO I'd check directly with the ward. The go-between neighbour may not be giving you an accurate version of events.

My Grandad went into hospital in the early hours last weekend. My Nan is very upset that the Neighbours haven't been over to see how he is, and as she's in her 90's she upset they haven't checked on her either, to see how she's been managing on her own. (Shes blind, so can't get round to their front door unaided to uodate them herself).

Nan was so upset she had told us we weren't allowed to inform the Neighbours of Grandads improvements as "They don't deserve to know". Not wanting their 30 year friendship to crumble I nipped over to chat. Turns out that My bloomin Mother had been over to tell them Nan was getting stressed making the house decent for visitors, and hence they'd been worried about adding to this stress and had decided best not to bother her. As they work full time they also worry very much about going across after dark as they don't think it's safe for a blind 90yr old to be answering her door to possible unknowns. Nan point of view = why are the Neighbours suddenly being so uncaring? Neighbours point of view = We've been told not to bother her.Misunderstandings are responsible for so much bad feeling!

Nan has also been telling us not to visit Grandad. Because she feels its a chore for us to be sat bored and feeling awkward round the bed of someone so poorly (when there's nowhere else we'd rather be when our lovely Grandad is so ill) and because it costs too much for parking! Shes just too polite and decent to ever consider putting someone else out by expecting them to visit.

I'd be tempted to pop along at visiting time with a card, bag of chocolate buttons, little tube of posh hand cream or something else she might find useful, and ask the nurses to hand them over. That way at least she'll know you care. She sounds quite isolated regardless of her stay in hospital so go-between Neighbour may have made out that's she's the only one that can be trusted. It just sounds a bit odd to me.

susan1

Being totally cynical is there money involved. Is the person saying stay away being truthful.