Compulsive borrower to compulsive saver?

ada-or-ardor

I agree with moneyfacts, you need professional help. You have an addiction. It's very unlikely you will cure yourself: that's why support groups etc exist. It would be just awful if you blew the rest of the new 6k loan again.....

Does your OH know about your debt and gambling?

Best of luck.

Ada

Hillwalker17

Thank you both for your comments. I completely agree that I need help. I suppose it's like telling an alcoholic that they need to stop drinking. The person wants to but often slips up, having binges. I want to be like cantcope (user on here) who is over 10 years gambling free, looking back and thinking how much better his life is :cool:

I tried to download Gamcare onto my android phone. I paid £30 for the subscription but the app crashes and it won't install (I really want it to), so I need to find an alternative. The first month is £30, and then its another £100 for the year, which in the grand scheme of my gambling debts, is nothing at all. I need to email the company as I don't want them taking payment when the app won't work.

My partner knows about my past gambling issues and the debts from it. She doesn't know about this new stuff. I want to tell her, but am fearful she will leave me, chuck me out the house and i'll have nowhere to go. Reading that last sentence makes me sound so selfish... which I suppose I am

She knows I've got a about £1k a month to pay off in debts, but believes it's all finished at the end of 2017. I will be paying these two new loans until early 2019 so I need to get them either paid off earlier or tell her. She will be expecting me to have more spare cash next year.

I checked online banking today for loan 2 and it's balance is down £500 from my over payment yesterday. A simple transfer of another £2k to the loan means it's balance should be around £700 ish.

So that leaves me £500 ish to pay off for loan 1 and about £700 for loan 2. Once they are fully paid it just leaves me with the two new loans to concentrate on.

I didn't manage to withdraw any cash today and I didn't have time to read (partner roped me into house chores).

Day 2 achieved all ok with no gambling issues. I'm popping into work from 10-2 tomorrow to finish off a project for Monday and my office boss has said I can get 4 hours paid overtime for it. No problem I said :rotfl:

I know I can do this...I wan't to do this.

HW17

ada-or-ardor

Well done hillwalker on 2 days already. Youve got this. Maybe you could find a gambling forum too, for more specific gambling support and more users during the inevitable times of temptation. Or even look into local Gamblers Anonymous groups near you. It's no sign of failure to admit you need some real help, in addition to deleting apps etc.

Definitely contact the app company.

I understand why you would be scared to tell your partner, but a) it might make you more accountable and b) she probably deserves the ugly but honest truth in my opinion. If i were in her situation, sure I'd be angry and disappointed but i wouldn't end my relationship over it. If i found out some other way and found I'd been lied to...... That would be a whole different ball game.

Just my humble opinion :-)

Good luck!

[Deleted User]

Sorry, Hillwalker, I've been catching up on your posts but had very little time or opportunity to reply. I've changed internet service providers and am having a few set-up issues:(.


Well done on taking it one day at a time:T and taking the trouble to post regularly on here. I strongly believe that accountability for our actions (even though it's only to virtual friends via this or other online facilities) is a massive step towards taking back control of our lives:T.


I agree with ada to some extent over the telling your partner issue. I know from my debt troubles that I had become more and more bad-tempered, tetchy, irritable, anxious (all the traits that I hated and didn't want:o). I still never breathed a word about my debts to my partner (I still haven't) and trying to act as if everything was normal and manage my lifestyle as if nothing had changed was a huge strain over several years. I'm amazed that I didn't make myself really ill over it:eek:


Things have eased so much since being on a DMP as, although still doing everything I can to live a frugal life and get my debts paid off asap, I feel I'm in control of my debts rather than them controlling me IYKWIM. I personally feel I've passed the stage where I knew I must tell my partner (even though I never actually did it:o) and I don't intend to do so now. I feel I've got away with it, the worst part anyway, and will soldier on to the bitter end with him completely in the dark. I'm not proud of this but it was how it needed to be for me:o


I think you should have a long think though about what happens after your partner expects you to be debt-free and you aren't. Your partner is already aware of some of your debts so your situation and mine are completely different. How are you going to explain your constant frugality and lack of money for more years than she expects? It looks as if some of your expenses are joint ones (unlike us where responsibility for spending in the relationship has always been clearly defined and separate) and this may cause issues if/when your partner expects you to contribute more. I suppose you could leave the discussions over that for a later date but you'll have to address them one day.


The best aspect of being on a DMP (and I'm not advocating one for you, you're not in need of such a drastic remedy yet) is that there's no access to credit. Absolutely none. It's not just a case of cutting up credit cards, creditors have closed accounts and rendered them useless. So, no more overdrafts or personal loans either as my credit score is trashed:o. The only money I can spend is money that I actually have. The prospect of this at the start of the DMP was genuinely terrifying but I came to terms with the situation pretty quickly and feel so much more relaxed about money now. I certainly can't make random and inadvised spending choices;). If you can stick to never using your cards you'll really make headway on clearing your existing debts but please, please, please don't apply for any more loans! You're in the fortunate position (well, maybe that's a debatable point in your case) where lenders are still willing to lend money to you but alarm bells might start to ring for lenders one day and you'll be suddenly left with nowhere to turn for extra money. Start adapting your lifestyle to cope without that financial crutch.


I'm sorry this post might sound a bit preachy:o (certainly not my intention) and I genuinely want to help you. You've got all your life ahead of you with so many wonderful possibilities to take advantage of. Please don't blow them:)

Hillwalker17

Hello everyone. I'm alive and don't worry, I've not gone AWOL :rotfl:

I was gutted that I couldn't log on over the weekend. Saturday was a really busy day for me as I had to stay at work longer than expected to finish something and by the time I got home, some family came round for dinner. They didn't leave till it was late.

Today me and the Mrs went for a drive and we took some lunch with us (all very MSE) I was nice to relax and we got absolutely soaked whilst walking in the rain on the beach

Thanks for the input Ada, I believe your right with the partner aspect. If tables were turned, I would expect the truth, especially after being together so long. The only difficult I find with it is that I have obviously been lying for so long, so much will come out and I reckon she would end it. She did say last time that if it happens again it would be over

carbootcrazy - Thanks so much for your post. I totally agree with the accountability factor whilst posting on here. It's motivation and support that you wouldn't normally get. I totally see your point too about the partner aspect. You know what it's like hiding things and the stress that can come from it. It's one of those things which I don't want to tackle but at some stage it might have to be done.

The Mrs expects me to be debt free at the end of this year, but I have another 15 months after that of loan payments. I think the only way to manage that would be to save as much as I can between now and the end of the year, and use that savings to either pay off the loans or pretend I save it next year. I suppose either way it's going to be something which I have to address. We are also going to up our joint payments next year to £1K a month, which would result in us jointly saving about £500 a month. This would be our first real effort at saving together. I should just be able to make that £1K payment, along with my loans, but it means I wouldn't be able to save much myself.

I've taken your advice on board - trust me. I know you speak sense as you have "been there". I won't be applying for any more credit now everything is settled and calm. I still find it absolutely bananna's that lenders can offer you £15.5K loans when I had a credit card neary maxed, 3 other loans and a pretty dismal credit score. No wonder the majority of the country is in a mess :rotfl:

I still have the credit card account to close down along with paying off the two loans, but this shouldn't be a drama.It will be good to get these away and to concentrate on either saving or overpaying the loans.

Good news - I managed to get the Gamblock App working. It basically resets the phone, deleting any apps it thinks is related to gambling and blocking all gambling sites. It even blocked my fantasy football app :mad:

I've still got the £900 emergency fund and I've got another £30 set aside for a weekend away in April.

I have two bank accounts. Bank 1 is where all my bills come out off and I transfer £1050 over here every month to cover everything. There is about £1500 in there, but about £1200 of it will be used for paying off the 2 loans.

Bank 2 is an old account, which I use for card payments etc. I will now use this as my everyday card spending account. It has about £230 in it and this should last for about 2-3 months if I use it to cover my fuel, everyday spending and online purchases. This way the balance of bank 1 should creep up without me knowing. I know I said I might destroy the debit cards, but i'm still considering this as I shouldn't the one belonging to bank one.

Days 3 and 4 smashed and i'm happy with progress. Absolutely knackered so i'm calling for a lie in tomorrow.

HW17

[Deleted User]

Well done so far, HW:T. Great post by the way:beer:


Just one word of caution about credit cards if you don't mind:o. By all means cut them up if you feel you can't trust yourself to have them available to use but whatever you do don't actually pay off and then close all of them:eek:. If you need a new one anytime in the future (and it's likely that you will) it might be harder for you to get one if you've a poor credit score and a lot of outstanding debt. Not saying you won't get one but those available might be the higher-interest type and you'll be back on the repayment spiral again:eek:


Wishing you a happy and successful week ahead:beer:

Cherryfudge

Hi Hillwalker

I've just read your diary - well done for taking lots of positive steps to tackle your finances!

A few things stand out to me: you are tackling the finances but I'm not sure that, despite acknowledging the gambling is a problem, you are actually doing absolutely all you might to tackle it. The blocker on your phone is a great idea and so is posting on here. However, you haven't, as far as I can see, done anything to make yourself accountable in the outside world (joining a support group, telling your partner). Sorry if I'm wrong here, I don't know you and don't have any right to tell you what to do so these are just my thoughts.

Other than that: is your weak point your late nights when no one can see you and your resistance is down? Could you leave your phone/laptop at work? Is there a way you can block Internet access after your partner has gone to bed or is out of the house? Could you make a habit-tracking chart to give yourself positive strokes for every daily habit that sets you in the right direction? Is there a trusted person apart from your partner that you could talk to about how to start telling her? Once you've talked out loud to one person, telling her may come more easily.

I think you said you gamble when bored. I was going to suggest you take up running then thought again - if you're really a hill walker and that's not a cunning disguise (;) ), then that would be a good option for you: all those endorphins, vitamin D and physical tiredness will help you resist the urge to sabotage yourself, which is exactly what you're doing. Somewhere inside there are two Hillwalkers battling it out and one is a cunning devil who will try to stop the other. Walking's not likely to be much of an option late at night but a good book goes a long way to correcting that and helping you wind down.

It's going to be a long hard fight but you've done the very difficult first bit. The next steps, especially bringing it into 'real life' are going to be hard too, but folks here will cheer you on and have lots of helpful suggestions.

Best of luck and please keep posting

Hillwalker17

carbootcrazy - I agree with your thinking about the credit card, closing it could be costly and I might not get another one. I only have the one and its got a £1250 limit (balance is £0). The card is destroyed but i'm not sure what i'm going to do with the account. I think the fact that I "should" be able to save about £300 a month for the rest of the year means I won't require credit. I also have the emergency fund to fall back on too I suppose

Good thinking though and appreciate the thought. I will have a think about my options in the next few weeks

Hi Cherryfudge and thanks for posting. I previously got counseling for the gambling, but absolutely hated it, to the fact that it was making the problem worse. I far rather speak to random people on here and look forward to the advice they give. If I can continue things the way they are going, its all going in the right direction. The block on my phone is great, even though I haven't had to use it yet.

I like your suggestion about running. I've never been a runner at all, but I do walk a lot. I have a 4 year German Shepard so i'm out normally twice a day. I do the occasional bit of walking uphill, but nothing like those big hills they call "Munro's" or whatever. Where I stay (North of England area), it's more flat :rotfl:

I do love reading a good book and i'm about half way through a good one at the moment. I'm away to bed now to get in a few chapters before I fall asleep. Monday is normally a long and stressful day at work and today didn't disappoint

Hopefully tomorrow is better. It will soon be a week :j

HW17

Hillwalker17

Afternoon :j

After reading other peoples diary's, I see some people go by "no spend days" or NSD's for short. Its when someone doesn't spend any money, other that the planned direct debits etc. I think I will start aiming for a NSD a lot more, with a view to saving my money.

Bank 2 stands at exactly £230 and I aim for this to last until at least the end of June. At least today was a NSD and I haven't got any plans to spend money for the rest of the week. Just home from work as the boss told me I could get off at 2pm seeing as though I was in on Saturday

Going to spend the rest of the afternoon doing house chores, walking the hairy beast (dog :rotfl:) and reading another few chapters.

We have rain and hailstones at the moment. I sure hope it dries up for the weekend. No wonder the dog is hiding behind the couch, probably thinking there no way hes going out in that weather.

Quick question for the readers - how many bank accounts and savings accounts do you have. Is it normal to have a few?

HW17

DancingUnicorn

Hi, I've just had a read of all your diary entries and, despite your setback, I think you've taken some hugely positive steps in your journey.

I'm a bit of a beginner at this myself, but I found my biggest downfall would be spending on my card. Often the amounts don't show up properly for a few days and it's so easy to spend little and often that I lose track of what I'm spending. I now withdraw all but about £5 (acts as a buffer) from my account (minus direct debits) and use this as my spending money for the month. I like to keep this in £20's as much as I can because it's much easier to think "I don't want to break into a £20 for that...".

Personally I'm in a DMP but as you can afford your debts I wouldn't recommend that for you. However, I would really think about savings vs debt repayments. Do you need a huge pot of savings? Or would £1k do for now? You worry about your partner finding out when your payments aren't finished at the end of the year, but if you use your extra money for repayments rather than savings it'll be paid off a whole lot quicker.

I had a gambling problem once. And I really do mean once. I lost around £800 (I was living off a student loan at the time so it was a huge amount for me) and I was so ashamed of myself I never gambled again. Have you thought of keeping a physical diary of the feelings you have when you lose? Perhaps when you're tempted you could look at these and think about how awful you felt frittering away that 10k(or part of).

I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey, and hope the light at the end of the tunnel comes closer for you each day.