clearly didnt learn the first time. i hate myself for being in this situation again!

nkkingston

Yes, this is starting to look worryingly like financial abuse (if not other kinds as well). Take a step back and ask yourself, if a friend came to you and said she was worried about money because her husband was using her prior financial decisions and poor mental health to manipulate her, and he had complete control of her income but still put his outgoings ahead of hers, what would you say?

Assuming a best case scenario, where your partner's money worries are manifesting as him being an !!!!!! (and ignoring all evidence of his previous !!!!!! behaviour), you need to work together to build a household budget. You need your own basic bank account, into which your income and your benefits are paid, Make sure to tell HMRC that your situation has changed, because the last thing you want now is benefits overpayments to challenge! He has his own account for the same. You open a joint account into which you both pay an agreed amount proportional to your incomes and household responsibilities (taking the kids to school, cooking, cleaning... imagine if you were paying someone to do all of that! If you're not splitting those chores fairly, then that needs to be accounted for) which covers all essential household expenditure - this includes not only all bills and food costs, but toiletries, essential clothing and children's items. Ensure that you have enough left over to meet your credit commitments. Ideally, you should also have enough left to have some "fun money", because if you are denied that while your partner can buy what he wants it's going to create tension and make you feel like you're being punished, which is bad for your mental health and breeds resentment.

If he isn't willing to work with you to build a budget, if he behaves like your deserve to be punished and he deserves to be rewarded, if he insists you keep handing over all of your money, it's time to start thinking about a life without him. You've got two beautiful kids, and you want to think about the behaviours they're going to learn watching you.

ElleWoods

Agree with the other posters that your debt isn't the main issue here - a partner is meant to support you and build you up, but this man seems hell bent on knocking you down then blaming you for it. He's being mean, controlling and abusive (financially, mentally and emotionally). Why are YOUR wages, benefits and maternity pay being paid into HIS account? Do you have a bank account? If so, contact ALL the benefits agencies, your employer(s) etc and get YOUR money paid into your account. If you don't have an account. open one and do this. Then I suggest you talk to your partner about opening a joint account for joint bills to be paid from, into which you both put a certain amount of money in each month to cover the bills, rent etc. But no way should your money be going into his account for him to control. If you carry on as you are you'll be in an even worse position financially.

Just something else that occurred to me while reading your post - I assume your partner works (full time?), so are you now having to pay out for childcare for the three children now you're working 7 days a week? If so, who's paying for it - you, him or jointly?

You can absolutely sort your debt @swhite, but at the minute you're fighting a battle to control your own money that you shouldn't have to be fighting. From one single mum in debt to another, you'd be better off on your own than with this person that puts you down, controls you and treats you like something he's scraped off the bottom of his shoe.

HairyHandofDartmoor

I agree with all the other posters, you MUST have your wages and benefits paid into YOUR account not his. He has all the control at the moment and you are not receiving emotional or financial support from him.

You deserve better.