clearly didnt learn the first time. i hate myself for being in this situation again!

angelpye

Thats great news! Communicating with OH will hopefully get easier now your worst fears have not been fulfilled. Amazing how once you got your head into it you have been able to drive down the debt so much.

allthe7s

Im very pleased hes taken it well

swhite91

well... it didnt last long with my partner being understanding about my situation.

yesterday he offered to pay off my highest debt of £1980 to my catologue account as they are the only one still adding interest and charges, i have a payemt plan of £100 a month but then they add £60 interest and £12 charge so it would take me years and loads of interest to pay that off, i told my partner i was very grateful and i will pay him back £100 a month till all my debt is paid off and then il up it to £200 till its all paid back, (hes using the money for the deposit for the house to lend me)

that was yesterday... comes to today and we were supose to phoning up the catologue to pay it off but since hes got home from work all he has done is have a go at me! i got paid my maternity pay today (£484) and ive paid some of it to debt collection companys i still have £300 left but i have a few direct debits totaling £100 coming out on monday

he asked me why i havent transfered the full £484 to him and asked why ive only got £300 left! i told him what ive paid today and he didnt believe me! i had to show him my online banking!

then he had another go at me about lending me this money for the catologue so ive told him not to bother then if hes just gonna be using it against me for the next year i would rather not bother to be honest

im stressed out enough as it is looking after a 8 week old baby plus my older two 8 and 6 years old and worrying about this debt ive got! i feel so down about it all and all he is doing is making me feel 10x worse

i dont know what to do, im trying to sort this mess out and hes just putting me down even further about it

nkkingston

I think it's best not to accept money from him for the debts, especially if he's going to run hot and cold about it. The interest is a pain, but it's better than the fighting with him about it. At the end of the day, he needs to back off and let you handle this, while he handles himself - it's clear he's still got a lot of issues around money he needs to work through as well (if you've never been in debt, it's easy to pretend your issues are just 'good habits', but if you're checking your partner's bank account because you don't understand what's going on with their money, you have to accept you've got issues too). He needs to work on supporting you emotionally - that's what will ultimately help you beat the debt, not financial support.

enthusiasticsaver

Was your partner paying child support for the 2 children you already had between February 2016 and when you got back together in May? It just strikes me he might be much better with money because he still presumably works full time and and you have children to look after so probably have reduced income. Do you work (after your maternity leave finishes)and how do you distribute bills etc?

He obviously does not trust you with money, hence the conversation today about your maternity pay but I am guessing the catalogue and credit card debts are undoubtedly things for the children? Have you calculated and done a full Soa?

StopIt

swhite91 wrote: »

well... it didnt last long with my partner being understanding about my situation.

yesterday he offered to pay off my highest debt of £1980 to my catologue account as they are the only one still adding interest and charges, i have a payemt plan of £100 a month but then they add £60 interest and £12 charge so it would take me years and loads of interest to pay that off, i told my partner i was very grateful and i will pay him back £100 a month till all my debt is paid off and then il up it to £200 till its all paid back, (hes using the money for the deposit for the house to lend me)

that was yesterday... comes to today and we were supose to phoning up the catologue to pay it off but since hes got home from work all he has done is have a go at me! i got paid my maternity pay today (£484) and ive paid some of it to debt collection companys i still have £300 left but i have a few direct debits totaling £100 coming out on monday

he asked me why i havent transfered the full £484 to him and asked why ive only got £300 left! i told him what ive paid today and he didnt believe me! i had to show him my online banking!

then he had another go at me about lending me this money for the catologue so ive told him not to bother then if hes just gonna be using it against me for the next year i would rather not bother to be honest

im stressed out enough as it is looking after a 8 week old baby plus my older two 8 and 6 years old and worrying about this debt ive got! i feel so down about it all and all he is doing is making me feel 10x worse

i dont know what to do, im trying to sort this mess out and hes just putting me down even further about it

I know this forum is meant to be "Non-Judgemental" but my god, how can people in relationships be so callous?


Bully for him that he's so "Good" with money, but if that's the case, who is paying for all of the baby equipment, clothes, let alone factoring in the value of your time looking after your children while he is at work?


If it wasn't for the fact that it would only cause an argument, I'd be asking "How much is our baby worth" and if the answer is "More than anything" reply with "then value that, instead of trying to destroy me over debts that I am already feeling horrible about".


A relationship should be about working together at everything, including financially. This guy is not "good" with money if he lets the mother of his children struggle while pretending he doesn't need to be a part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.


You shouldn't be facing this debt alone, nor should your partner be taking such a tone. You should be forming a plan to get yourself debt free together, but I would not blame you for going it alone. And no, that doesn't mean him pretending that sorting out the household finances involves "lending" you anything.


*rant mode off*

enthusiasticsaver

I agree with stopit. Unless you have been out buying yourself designer handbags etc I would wager a good proportion of the recent debt you incurred was for things for the children and general living. As you seem to have separate finances even though you have 3 children together it is important to make sure you have sufficient income for general household and expenditure on the children and yourself. Does he pay the bills and give you a certain amount for food etc? Do you not have a joint account?

swhite91

hello all, i havent posted here in months but i thought i would update you all, things have got worse so to speak, not regarding the original debt though i have managed to pay some of it off but not alot due to being on maternity since last november, in august i had an unexpected CCJ form from a debt from a old loan 5 years ago which i was on a payment plan for, i had to raise £1000 in 14 days to pay it off to avoid a CCJ which resulted in me selling everything i owned of value (my phone, laptop and some jewellery) to pay it, unfortunantly i literally did not have a single penny to pay any of my 3 credit cards and now they have added £24 of charges on each, my partner still has the £5000 in his savings and wouldnt lend me the money ( just £60) last month to pay my cards to avoid the charges so now my debt total has gone back up again!

last week of august i got sick of being on matenity with little money and my partner constantly moaning about money even when we were managing to pay all the household bills, i went back to work a month early on first week in september (16 hours) and i also started to apply for another job to get more money coming in, luckly after 2 days of applying for jobs i had a phone call offering me a job interview and i got the job adding another 22.5 hours a week just above min wage to my income, i thought great! we should be perfectly fine now and i should be able to blast my debt down over the next year! although i am now working 38.5 hours a week over 7 days so i never get a day off, my partner is still giving me greive!
I have all my wages and benefits paid into his bank account and he had all the household direct debits coming out of his bank and on 20th we split whatever is left between us, we both get paid weekly aswell including benefits we get about £3k a month with £1500 expenditure so now we have apparently £1.5k left a month which we spilt, i have worked all this out on a spreadsheet,

so theres me thinking great i can pay a good chunk off my debts tomorrow and get my credit cards back in the green! i just asked him this morning roughly how much will i get tomorrow so i know what im paying off he said £200? i said i need more than that the min payments on my cards are now at £60 each on 3 of them not to mention i need £100 for the rest of the payment plans im on that i couldnt pay last month! he says hes got no money and he said he cant even pay his bills till next week so he will be "late" paying them? i asked late as in giving you late payment charges and he said no just late for when i normally pay them because i have to give you all the money we have tomorrow? he has £5000 in the bank hes not behind on anything and hes moaning because he cant pay his bills this week even though they are not due any payments for another 2 weeks?
im stressed up to my eye balls! ive got charges coming out of everywhere, im looking after 3 kids including a 8 month old during the day im going to work at night and im working all day every weekend and all ive asked for is help to sort just my cards out so they stop charging me and making my debt worse!

i would undertsand if he was in the same boat but hes far from it! i thought with me getting another job and bringing more money in he would lay off me a bit but nothings changed! im knackered after working 18 days straight and taking kids to school and looking after my 8 month old not to mention looking after the house aswell!, i dont understand what he wants from me!

i can feel my depression slowly working its way back and i dont want it to! hes making me feel like this by being so unsupportive and judgmental and it not what i need right now, im doing the best i can, ive told him how much this is stressing me out and he just brushes it off and doesnt take me seriously! i know he loves me and i love him but i dont know what else i can do?

if i had a full on meltdown infront of him telling him all this he would just say "its your own fault" yeah thanks for that like i dont know that! im trying and trying and i feel like its 1 step forward 2 steps back

StopIt

I'm just going to say this because frankly, money issues aren't your problem here.


Your OP said that he left you, and this affected you. When you got back together, it looks like he took full control of the relationship as he realised that you wouldn't cope with him leaving again.


This has resulted in frankly, abusive behaviour here. Your money should be paid into your accounts, and any money needed for fixed costs be sent via standing order. The rest is yours to deal with what you need to deal with.


You say you know he loves you. How? Because I'm not seeing the love in forcing a parent of a 8 month old and 2 other children into working full time, taking their money and then messing you around financially despite controlling your money totally.


Draw a line in the sand. Get your control of your money back. Demand that your partner actually steps up and contributes to your household emotionally as well as financially. If he doesn't step up, you need to ask yourself if the relationship is worth your mental health, because that's going to be the cost if you don't take back control.

EssexHebridean

OK - first step - open a basic bank account aside from any organisation you already bank with.
Get your salary and benefits paid into there.
Transfer the agreed amount for your share of the household expenses into his account if that is where they come from - but do NOT keep giving this man all your income every month - he's not sticking to the rules you've agreed between you, so you need to take it that all deals are off, and start arranging things so that you're not left in this position again.

I think you also need to start ignoring the £5k you say is in the bank - he clearly regards this as "his" money so for the time being at least it makes the most sense for you to do the same - it's just stressing you out more than you are already, otherwise.

You have to take back some control though - and start seeing your financial committments as being of equal importance to his - so you take your total income and work out everything that needs to come out of that - CC payments etc - BEFORE transferring anything else for household expenses.