Cherry takes the reins

Cherryfudge

We got there in the end - met up with DS2, J and L (and the dog) for a good walk up on the moors, then J and L treated us to ice creams and DS2 took us on a drive to a 'milk place' on a farm. There's a nicely set up kiosk/cabin with vending machines where you can buy flavoured milk or hot drinks. Despite it being out in the country, quite a few people came through while we were there.

Then it was back to our house where we were joined by A and DGD and had curry or chilli for dinner. followed by birthday cake. A realised it was DGD's bed time so they left while the ret of us played taboo and the dishwasher worked overtime. DS2 stayed on a while after the others went home to collect some more things from his old room.

In general a very good day though I was tired out in the morning and now can't sleep, and my mood's been odd. I think I was too tired to be at my best, and work issues have been on my mind, so I was happy enough while talking to the children but felt tearful when they weren't there to distract me. If it goes on, I might go back to the work counselling service as this is something that hasn't been addressed in any of the counselling I've had, and at present it's quite prominent, but I suspect it's coming to the fore because I'm transitioning out of that workplace.

On a more positive note, it was delightful having everyone round. DGD got her first taste of curry and seemed to enjoy it, though she knows what she likes best: 'More cheese!' The dog was allowed to finish off some rice though, when I was juggling with lighting the birthday candles in a small space and knocked a spoonful of yogurt flying, she was very happy to clear that up for me too!

DH has bought a few groceries but I'm not searching out the details right now. I've had some ibuprofen to try to even out a headache that's been hanging round (not bad enough to bother me when I'm awake but a bit noticeable when I'm trying to sleep) and try to stop my skin being oversensitive which is annoying and was keeping me awake - along with DH's breathing which is much faster than mine and not restful at all! I hope when I get back to bed he'll be more deeply asleep and I can wind down too.

Cherryfudge

I meant to add that I got rid of some more of the stuff from the bottom of the larder before running out of time and stashing the rest back where it came from.

The fridge is still pretty full - Dh forgot to check if we had yogurt so he bought more to go in his curry. The balance is hovering around four pints! J and L took some of the chilli home. I've put a couple of portions in the freezer and we are having leftover curry and chilli for Sunday dinner, with some oven-baked potatoes I did the other day. We also have more coriander than we can use so some has already gone in the freezer in a single portion and the rest might follow unless I can find an immediate use for it.

I also presented DS2 with a plant to give his girlfriend, from one I've divided into four. I know it's going to a good home and I need to have window sill space if I'm to grow seeds next year. (I've got a way to go yet).

We remembered to give DS2 a bundle of scarves that we think might be his, and a petrol can that's been hanging around with a small amount of petrol in. Our car is diesel, so more use to him than us.

So a little space gained, nothing dramatic but steps in the right direction.

Cherryfudge

I slept till nearly ten and had a quiet day, so I feel less worn out. I watched church from the sofa and when Dh got in, we finished up yesterday's feast for our main meal. He went to look at a classic car display in town then his usual walk in the afternoon and I decided I needed to be active if I'm to sleep all right tonight. I've done a load of washing (tumble dried, sadly, because the dryer was smelly damp and this cures it) and done about an hour of lightweight gardening.

So much for window sill space: I've potted up a red geranium cutting that had snapped off and a couple of tiny shoots of goodness-knows-what that had been sitting in water for too long. They may not take but I like to give them a chance.

Other than that I've copied out the vegetarian chili recipe for my folder of tried and tested meals.

It's not as warm as yesterday but still pleasant enough for a short walk at dusk, making the most of the light which is now all gone by seven.

DD has sent some nice photos from yesterday, and at this end nothing's been spent and the nearest to MS has been washing and hanging up some sage that I'd pruned, ready to make stuffing (which I hardly ever have so maybe I'll pack the dried results in jars and present it to the children).

Cherryfudge

So I found my notes from the previous CBT training and tried to put them into practice (a structured writing down of how to solve practical problems). Isn't much different from what I do anyway, though the whole process is slowed down by itemising it. I made my 'problem' the need for sleep last night, as I still felt edgy. When I focussed, I think some of it was skin irritation as I'd used a gorgeous shower gel in the bath. Said shower gel is finished now but perhaps the residues of it in the water were making my skin itchy. And then I had quite a few midge bites. Anyway, another bath, anti-histamines, listening to music, avoiding the news and emails...I had eleven ideas and implemented the lot, and yes, I slept but I'm still struggling because the whole focus of the problem has switched from worry management to grief management. Floods of tears and dreams about being back at work... not good.

I've had a chat with DH and he's drafted me an email to see if they can do the redeployment process either as a written format or by proxy. The thought of another meeting is getting me down to the point where I'm wondering if it would be better just to resign. I'd lose the 10 weeks' pay (though I'd still get half pay for 4 weeks) and I'm not sure where I'd stand regarding continuity of service as a couple of pieces of paperwork are still to go through for the relief job and I don't think I count as employed in a relief post till I actually have a student.

In better news, I've just been asked for more details about the digital skills course I enquired about. Ironically, the person who sent the email was the one who processed some of my papers for the relief post and would have been a colleague had I been successful in the admin application (I haven't heard that I've not been selected, but the fact they've re-advertised the post probably means I don't meet their requirements!).

I've also emailed the TA recruitment people to remind them I'm interested in the local posts but after thinking about and discussing them, I could only consider them if available as a job share. (Recent exhaustion has shown that I need to limit how much I do physically)

Oh, and DH showed me an advert for an admin job in the church we used to go to. Not enough hours on its own, but very likely within my scope. I know the person who's currently in the post so I'm going to WhatsApp her and ask for the low down!

This afternoon's jobs are to put together a CV for the teaching assistant lady, email employment support and the union so I get a full idea of how I stand if I resign, text my friend about the church job and possibly send the email DH has drafted.

I will get a move on so I can enjoy some of this lovely warm weather out of doors.

Floss

Sounds like you've directed some of that grief about your old job into positive progress on your future. Fingers crossed the church admin role comes off along with the digital skills course, as both could open new doors.

Cherryfudge

Thank you Floss.

I've spent the afternoon on the computer: I messaged my friend about the church admin job and she's sent back some more, saying yes, it's the job she's doing and she has an option to reapply for it. So I've no idea what her intentions are! She's very bright and I can imahgie she does it very well. I don't intend to compete with her so I will wait a while and see if she says anything else.

Other than that, I emailed Employment Support for advice and my current manager for a link to the work wellbeing service, and that took most of my time up. Oh, and I drafted an email to the Union rep which I'll review tomorrow, and haven't even started on the CV. And the person from Talking Therapies rang to re-arrange (sounds familiar, @in_need_of_direction?)

DH was working at the shop (didn't buy anything this time) and finished the curry for his tea. I opened some tuna which I had with salady things, then we had another twilit walk. It's lovely when it's nearly dark but so warm. I can pretend we're somewhere abroad!

Nothing bought today unless Dh got fruit while he was out.

WelshmansDaughter

I realize this may not be quite your thing but have you considered something to help get your emotions out? You've mentioned some already, but I suspect there is some anger and frustration still lurking 

Cherryfudge

WelshmansDaughter said:

I realize this may not be quite your thing but have you considered something to help get your emotions out? You've mentioned some already, but I suspect there is some anger and frustration still lurking 

I did consider demonstrating some of the moves I learned from clients on one of the senior management, @WelshmansDaughter Yes, you are right, I'm not as angry as I was, but that and frustration are still around.

WelshmansDaughter

Feeling like you didn't really have a choice about going back to your job because it wasn't safe would be a hard feeling to work through 

Cherryfudge

Tiring Tuesday, AKA Granddaughter Day, has come and gone. I slept till 9 this morning so I'm still catching up from last week, but with plenty of distractions my mood has been okay.

There were the usual handful of shops to visit on the way to and from their house so I have some groceries and a hot chocolate that I know DD likes which will go in her Christmas stocking, plus a (hopefully watertight) storage jar for Epsom salts. One slight lifestyle upgrade there: cheap glass jar in place of rolled up plastic bag!

Absolutely no progress re work, which is a relief.

I resisted a few unnecessaries including a Kindle book that seemed quite promising but the reviews all seemed to think it didn't live up to the promise. It's not available on either of the library apps, but never mind.

I've done eleven and a half thousand steps, so I will have worn off some of the pizza supper at my friend's tonight. We had quite a positive evening, though overshadowed as one of the group is close friends with a couple in Israel. The news is just too bad to read at the moment, it was one of the things that upset me a couple of nights ago.

The good news is that DH has had his Flu and cold jabs, the weather has stayed mild and A has told me where to get refills for liquid soaps. (Somehow I'd not seen what I was after in the supermarket but that's where they are). DGD is still a delight, though she's getting more wilful. Inevitable, I suppose. She wanted me to sing 'Twinkle little star' and paid special attention because I added the second verse. Determined to bring that child up cultured!  

She also took a fancy to the frozen blueberries I was adding to yogurt. I don't know what the fascination was, but she managed four helpings over the course of the day, and repeated last week's feat of peeling a satsuma. That's two ways to entertain a child that probably isn't in the books.

Expenditure:
(DH - diesel, pastries and £6.50 housekeeping)
Housekeeping £10.44
Gift £2.29
Household £2

MS:
Various buys didn't happen.
Favourite cappuccinos 50p cheaper.