Help to deal with a controlling Mother.

Primrose

That is very sad about your son, but just remember, the future is still ahead of you and now that you're slowly beginning to turn things around a lot of things might be possible going forward that for many years have seemed a closed book. Take a day at a time and who knows what might be possible. Your mother seems to have a lot to answer for. She may have been doing it for the right reasons in her mind but now you are slowly taking control of your life again, a lot of things may be capable of being handled very differently with you being able to make the decisions, not her.

Loz01

If you feel down then think of how much you've achieved since you started this thread only a few weeks ago!! Your life is taking a completely different turn and soon enough you can hopefully be living in your own place and taking up hobbies/interests/courses etc that you want to do!

RuthnJasper

SigHI wrote: »

The hardest part in reading that thread is that I have a son. He was 7 when it all happened and after my dad died, he went to live with some of our extended family. Some of the money was left to pay for him to go to Boarding school and he's now either at Uni or doing a year's work experience - I'm not sure. We don't had contact for a long time - lots of reasons but the main one being that my mother never really accepted him - another subject that got met with the silent treatment and reminders of how much I messed my life up.

I have a lot to sort out. I can only cope with one thing at a time. They are still trying to arrange getting my clothes and stuff.

You have found the courage to make the first step towards being free and that is immensely brave of you.


It will take time, and seem almost impossible sometimes. But you are clearly smart, articulate and I believe you will make it through this. You're getting help from the right sources and clearly have some good friends who care about you very much.


You could always begin a letter to your son, maybe write a little bit at a time and then put it away for a while and do a bit more when you feel ready. Then, when you feel that it's finished, send it to him. That's just an idea.


I'm sure you love him and that you will be able to grow in strength until you're ready to try and mend what is broken in you and your son's relationship.


There can be an odd bunch on some of the threads in this forum but, having said that, there are a great many people - a lot of whom have posted advice and support to you in this thread - who really, genuinely, wish you well and are rooting for you. You can always come on here to have a rant (within the site guidelines, hehe) and people will understand and try to encourage you.


When it seems like too much, try to tell yourself "I'll just give it ONE more day." however hard it seems. There's only one of you in the world and you're too good to lose.


Rooting for you.

SigHI

Good Morning.

There can be an odd bunch on some of the threads in this forum but, having said that, there are a great many people - a lot of whom have posted advice and support to you in this thread - who really, genuinely, wish you well and are rooting for you. You can always come on here to have a rant (within the site guidelines, hehe) and people will understand and try to encourage you.




I smiled at this post because the support worked who directed me to MSE website actually caught me googling another forum to ask for advice. It's the one for Mums - she said it was full of people much like my mother and showed me this one instead. Just having a week of unmonitored internet use has opened my eyes.

I'm doing okay. I've been reading other people's stories on here and all the legal and benefit advice. I'm trying not to imagine the conversations I want to have with my mum but I do have a lot of questions that need answering. Now isn't the time though. Some other people are going to try to persuade her to cooperate but I don't want to see her for now. It's hard to explain how many little things she does in a day to make me feel small or how many rows get started just because I won't do as I'm told.

Last night, I was here alone and I didn't shut the front door properly and I fell asleep with it open. If I'd been at home I wouldn't have heard the end of it. She'd have gone on for weeks that I can't look after myself, can't be trusted etc but all I got here was 'Okay, this can't happen again. Let's show you again how the catch works." And this morning there is a little note on the door saying 'Remeber to put the catch down.'

Primrose

I think being exposed to a whole new way of managing behaviours and issues has been truly eye opening for you and will help you understand how your mother's behaviour has so undermined your confidence. Yes, we all do silly little things all the time but when you look at them in context they become minor issues, and hopefully over time you will learn new habits, like learning to check door security every night, or when you go out, as a matter of course.


Your mother of course needs to learn new behaviours too, but as you say, that is HER issue if she ever has the courage to face up to them, but I think keeping well away from her, at least physically until you've got your confidence back and are well and truly engaged in your new life, is sensible. I think once you feel more empowered you will find a different way of dealing with her. Your mother sounds as if she needs some behavioural counselling of her own. Possibly once you're independent, she may finally understand that she needs this if she is to have any kind of relationship with you going forward, but as you say, all this is for the future.


Just continue building on all the good things that are happening to you. Rome wasn't built in a day but I'm sure the next part of your life will be greatly enhanced and very different from what has happened in the past. And I'm betting you won't forget to check the door catch tonight either ! You will be perfectly capable of looking after yourself. Your mum has just de-skilled you over the years by taking away your self confidence and not given you the change to learn from your own mistakes as we all have to do.

elsien

SigHI wrote: »

Last night, I was here alone and I didn't shut the front door properly and I fell asleep with it open. If I'd been at home I wouldn't have heard the end of it. She'd have gone on for weeks that I can't look after myself, can't be trusted etc but all I got here was 'Okay, this can't happen again. Let's show you again how the catch works." And this morning there is a little note on the door saying 'Remeber to put the catch down.'

I did the same the other week except it was both the front and back door, and I don't have health problems that affect my memory. Happens to the best of us.
Glad to see that things are starting to go better for you and you're getting some proper support.

SigHI

I've spent the morning having my hair cut and coloured! I can't stop playing with it or looking in the mirror!!! I have a side parting and a fringe that falls over my droopy eye. I feel 20 again. Everyone keeps saying how amazing I look. I've looked at other people with disabilities before and wondered how they managed to have such strong identities while still needing help.

I', not mad, I'm not mental and I'm not weak. 've just got to keep telling myself that.

And now I need a sleep!

Primrose

Good move for your morale and self esteem. I'm beginning to sense you 're finally discovering what it feels like to be let out of your cage. When your mother finally catches up with you again she won't recognise you or the new woman you have become!

gizwal

SigHI wrote: »

I've spent the morning having my hair cut and coloured! I can't stop playing with it or looking in the mirror!!! I have a side parting and a fringe that falls over my droopy eye. I feel 20 again. Everyone keeps saying how amazing I look. I've looked at other people with disabilities before and wondered how they managed to have such strong identities while still needing help.

I', not mad, I'm not mental and I'm not weak. 've just got to keep telling myself that.

And now I need a sleep!

I never normally go on these type of threads but this really made me smile! Such a small thing as getting your hair can make you feel a million dollars.
Good luck in your new life xx

ERICS_MUM

You go girl, there will be no stopping you now ! I can't tell you how pleased I am with the progress you've made.

Xxx