Help to deal with a controlling Mother.

SigHI

Please help me! For various reasons I have lived at home with my mum for the last 15 years. I have been trying to leave for some time now but she wilfully sabotages every attempt I make.

I know that she is worried about money if I leave. She claims a lot of benefits for me. Also, she will be alone. She doesn't have many friends as she is really quite nasty. The only people who come to the house are my carers and support workers and she treats them like dirt. My dad died 10 years ago and even though he did everything to please her, she hasn't got a good word to say about him.

It's really hard for me to stand up to her as she has looked after me for so long, but she throws it back at me all the time and drags up the past. I was in an accident a long time ago which left me left me with a lot of problems but she treats me like I'm an imbecile. She tells people i"m a lot worse than I am and arranges things behind my back.

I can't deal with her and I don't know what to do.

Pollycat

How old are you?

What attempts have you made to move out and how is she sabotaging them?

Are your support workers helping you to find accommodation?
If they are, what do they say when it all falls through?

Do they think you are emotionally & physically & financially capable of living on your own?

Primrose

I think you need to provide more details before people can offer advice.
How old are you?
Do you work?
Are your earning sufficient to be able to support yourself living independently?
Do you have any friends who could help and support you while you make an effort to move out and move on?

SigHI

Sorry for not being able to respond immediately. Today was a perfect example of what I have to put up with.

I'm 39. I'd like to work but am currently on some disability benefits. I have some money left to me by my father but the main problem id that my mum is in complete contol of my benefits. The trouble is she is lying about things especially to other people. I do have some memory problems because of my accident. She winds me up then tells people that I'm not right.

If I leave she will have to move to a smaller house but I don't want to keep living here. She's not helping me get better. If I get too friendly with my carers she complains about them. toady she took my ipad while I was making breakfast and we spent the whole day arguing. she said I must have lost it. I am at a friend's house now

neneromanova

First thing, get a new bank account and ring the benefits place and change the payments to go to your new bank account. Ask your friend if you can get the mail delivered to theirs just for a short time then change it again when you move you.

Primrose

It sounds to me as if you're actually a victim of your mother,s emotional abuse. I think you need to speak privately to your support workers , explain what's happening and ask for their help in getting free of your mother!s influence. You have a right to privacy when talking with your care workers. I think you would also benefit from some assertiveness training. Can you get to your local library and get out some books on the topic or look on your iPad to see if there are any free online guides.

Is it possible for you to stay with your friend for a couple of weeks while you get some of these finance/admin things set up? And keep your iPad safe somewhere so she can't prevent you from accessing the internet

thorsoak

This website might help you:- http://www.peoplefirstinfo.org.uk/staying-safe/abuse-and-neglect-safeguarding-adults/what-is-abuse-and-neglect,-and-why-does-it-matter.aspx

Fireflyaway

Yes this does sound like emotional abuse which is of course now illegal.
You don't have to put up with this and sounds like you have tried to stick it for a long time so you can't be accused of turning your back on your mum. Has your mum always been this way? Could she be depressed or have early dementia or is she just not very nice?
Start to make financial plans. Start putting money away and get going on your CV. Do you get out much? Sounds like you need some breathing space. Could you volunteer to beef up your CV and get away from the bad atmosphere at home?
Once you are ready you need to be strong and be prepared your mum might try to make you feel guilty. Living away could actually improve your relationship though.

elsien

Is your mother your appointee - you say she gets lots of benefits for you, but the disability benefits are yours not hers, even if you need help managing them. Do you have a social worker - could you discuss this with them and say you no longer want your mother handling your benefits? Have you told them you want support to be able to move and live more independently?

Pollycat

SigHI
I think you've had some good advice and suggestions.
Your mum really shouldn't be treating you in this way.

Can you come back and answer some of the questions posters have asked.

SigHI

Hello again. I do want to say thank you to anyone who gave me an answer. It's all a big mess and I don't think there's any going back.

My mum knew where I was staying and came an d dumped a load of my stuff on the doorstep. My friends mum went to speak with her really nicely to say that it doesn't have to be like this but she just went crazy. She said she was going to the Police because I attacked her which is blatently not true.

My friends family think that it is all about money and maybe she spent all of my Dad's money. They rang Adult Social Care for me and I think they said I was going to be given a new case worker. I've got a really bad headache again so I've been asleep on and off - that's what makes my memory and recall so bad

No one els apart from my mother has ever seen me have the fits she says I suffer from and if I say 'I didn't have a fit' she says yes you did , you just don't remember it.

About working. I have been doing cleaning jobs with several ladies from the church for the last year and I help with the cooking and serving drinks at a drop in centre which I really like. I need to have someone with me most of the time because I can't remember more than a couple of things at once and occasionally i completely forget where am I and how to find stuff but these aren't fits as such. It's just because of the brain injury and I get better and at stuff by doing it again and again.


My mum says the people at the church only want to help because they want to take my money so I don't know who to trust sometimes but apparently I can stay here for now. They are taking me to the doctor next week and are going to take me to see a solicitor but they are saying that mum might have broken the law so the police might be invoved anyway even if she doesn't report me for assault